Tiamat's Kittens: If I Ever Lose My Faith
May. 25th, 2006 05:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aithne[The resolution of the previous story. Some satisfying character development in here.]
Sondirra:
The thing about Jordan kept bugging me as we took the long way around the peninsula, flying in separate groups but either camping or sleeping in inns together at night. We'd gotten to Khatanga, and I happened to sit next to Dillon at dinner. We were talking about the flight, and I don't know how the subject of Jordan came up, but it did. "I swear someone's replaced him with someone who looks just like him, but is actually nice. Remember that fight when you got the arrows in the eye? Jordan pretty much buttonholed me right about the end of the fight and told me that you were going to need me more than anyone else. It was true, too. Without some healing, you wouldn't have bled to death, but you'd have gone into some serious shock. Too far into shock and there's not a whole lot we can do but keep you warm and hope you shake it."
I blinked. "Jordan sent you over?"
"Yeah. He didn't tell you? Weird."
I kept thinking about that for the rest of dinner. The thought occurred to me that maybe there were still things left unsaid, and I was the person who needed to say them. I owed Jordan some thanks. Both for that, and for saving my and Palil's lives.
After dinner, I said to Palil, "I'm going to go talk to Jordan. Wish me luck."
"Talk to him? Whatever for?"
"I need to thank him. He's done some good things for me--and us--lately. It would be really ungrateful of me not to thank him."
She snarled. "He doesn't deserve a kind word, much less thanks for anything. Anything he could do now is tiny against what he's done to you in the past. Leave it, Sondirra."
She was sitting on the bed, and I sat down next to her and put my arm around her shoulders. "Palil, love, it's just going to itch at me until I say it. You know me." I touched her mind gently with mine, and pulled back in surprise as I felt simmering resentment inside a fragile shell of calm. "Palil? What's wrong?"
She just looked at me for a moment. Then she said, in a small voice, "Go, do what you need to do. It's really none of my business."
Hurt and not quite sure why, I got up, grabbed my cloak, and went to find Jordan.
He was alone in the room he and Gannon were sharing, and the door was ajar. I pushed it open and stuck my head into the room. "Got a minute?" I asked.
He looked up. "Sure. Captain."
I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me. "It's just me right now, Jordan. Not the Captain. Um...I was talking to Haven, and he mentioned that you and Gannon were the ones who caught me and Palil when Kane almost killed us. He also said you were the one who took out Kane. And Dillon said that you were the one who sent him over when I got those arrows in my eye. I just wanted to thank you, is all. I appreciate it."
He'd stood when I'd come into the room, and now he was looking down at the floor. After a moment, he raised his eyes to meet mine. "No thanks necessary, Sondirra. It's my way, in a very strange sort of way, of saying sorry."
"Sorry for what?" I asked.
"Sorry for treating you the way I did in school, sorry about tormenting your teammates, sorry about just about everything. It was mean and rude."
Despite what Gannon had said, it was about the last thing I expected Jordan to ever say to me. I felt incredibly awkward right then, like if I moved I'd break something fragile. "That's...not something I'd never thought I'd hear from you. And as I recall, I was really good at being nasty to you, myself. I escalated. I regret that, now."
Jordan shrugged. "I started, you escalated, I escalated back. Somewhere in there we became enemies. I didn't want that, but I couldn't stop it either."
I nodded. "Me, neither. And when I got old enough to know better, I...just didn't stop." Even though I'd known I should, I'd known I was crossing lines left and right.
"Me either. Sorry." He grimaced a bit. "Sorry about Palil, too. She will probably never forgive me. She keeps a long grudge."
Didn't I just know it. "I'm working on her. She might come around, I don't know. I'm sorry, too. I could have done things to stop it, but I just didn't. And then the insulting and the hitting was the only way I could ever sort of interact with you, and now that's gone, as well."
He let out a breath, and his shoulders sagged. "And here we sit staring at each other, not knowing what to really say. We have never just talked. It was insults, and then the hitting."
I just looked at him for a moment, then grabbed a chair and pulled it over. Jordan did the same. I plopped down on my chair, and sighed. "No, we haven't. And I have no idea where to begin."
"Me either." There was that self-deprecating smile again, a strange expression on his handsome face. "Well I do, but courage on the battlefield is one thing. Courage in other aspects fails me quite a lot."
Did I just hear the king of ego admit that he's scared of something? Oh, my. "Well, if you were going to begin somewhere, where would you begin?" I asked. Maybe if I provided an opening...
Jordan took a breath. "I guess I would have to begin with that I have always had feelings for you. At first I didn't know what they were, then I wanted them to go away. So I thought I could beat it out of you, and maybe you would beat it out of me. It didn't happen."
I smiled, a bit unsteadily. "I'd...kind of figured that out, just recently."
"I thought you might have guessed, or Gannon told you."
"Both, actually. I figured it out, then I went to ask Gannon what the hell was up with you lately."
Jordan rolled his eyes a bit. "And Gannon would tell you, because he likes me to learn these life lessons the hard way."
"He pretty much said as much, actually," I said.
"Yes, he is like that. Can't blame him. I am probably getting to him. I don't mean to be. Or to you, as a matter of fact."
Weirdly, as the conversation went on, I was starting to feel steadier, as the air was clearing and all the unsaid things were being said. "I know. I just hate having things hanging around unsaid. I can deal with the fact that you have feelings for me. The only thing I wonder is if it's a good idea for us to try to be friends because of that. I, um...would kind of like to be friends with you."
That was a smile of not-quite-believing happiness on his face. "I would like that too. It's just seeing you with Oberan closed a door I thought was open. Seeing you with your one nighters was fine, I knew it probably didn't mean anything. But seeing you with someone for a longer time... It told me the door was closed, and I would have to walk on by."
How to say this, without getting his hopes up too high or promising something that I wasn't nearly ready to even think about? "I know. I wouldn't exactly call that particular door closed forever, you know. For now, yes. But I've got no idea where this thing with Oberan is going, if it's going anywhere."
He searched my expression and my eyes for a second before he responded. "I think it may be hard for you to forgive me and Palil would never let it happen, even to just be friends. I would apologize to Palil, but I think I would get a breath weapon to the face for it."
I shook my head. "No, you wouldn't. I wouldn't let her do that. I didn't know exactly how much she disliked you, but now I do, and I can talk to her. I wish Garnet were here, though. She was the only one who could really get Palil down off of her high horse. I can try, though."
"It's all right, Sondirra. I know I deserve it. I could have killed you a few times with some of those wounds. But I think it would have killed me more. I probably would have died inside without you."
That left me lost for words for a second, and I looked away from him. "I saw you, you know. That last time, when you gave me that nice wound in my leg. You went for help. If you'd have left me, I would probably have come close to dying. At the time, I wondered why you'd gone for help, since you knew you were going to get in trouble for it. I think you stopped deserving Palil's grudge the moment you figured out that you wanted to apologize to me."
"I have wanted to for many years, just didn't have the words. And I still have the scar from the headmaster for that leg wound."
I looked at him. "Looks like you found them. We'll have to compare scars, one of these days--that wound left a really interesting one."
Jordan grimaced. "Oh, you should see all the whip scars on my back for stuff I did to you and your teammates."
"Serious? We thought you were mostly getting away with it." There had been a lot of grumbling about it, too. I'd resented that, that Jordan could do the stuff he did and he never seemed to catch any shit for it, at least until the end.
He smiled, and there was a fair amount of old pain in that smile. "Oh, no. I never got away with it. Gannon made sure of it. They were more lenient if I confessed first. If Gannon did, it was worse. So that's why I left right after something happened. I was off to the headmaster."
I stared at him. "You're joking. No, you're not. So that's why you were always scarce when we went looking for you."
He turned around then, and lifted his shirt up. Crisscrossing the fair skin of his back were scars, some thin and gone silver, some still faintly red and puckered. "Wish I was." He pulled his shirt down and sat back down. "My own fault. Can't blame anyone but me for that."
I whistled low, shook my head. "I'm just amazed you kept doing it."
"Me too, sheer stubbornness, I think."
"Well, we've all done stupid things in our time. Trust me on this one." I grinned. "Remember how, after you gave me that leg wound, I was down for a couple of weeks? I'm seriously irritating when I'm bored. I spent the entire time singing "100 Bottles of Vodka on the Wall" to Palil. In her head. Loudly. Off-key. It wasn't until after that that she got such a serious grudge against you." I had no idea whatever possessed me to think that was a good way of passing time.
"Thanks, I think." He took a breath. "Well, if you think it would help Palil get over it--I will talk to her, as long as you are with me. I am not sure I would want to talk to her alone."
"Yeah, I think you talking to her alone might be a bad idea. Though, honestly, if she killed you now she'd have to make a report about why she'd done so, and she hates paperwork almost as much as I do. I'll go with you if you're willing to talk to her, though."
"Sure, better late than never, I suppose." He looked like he wasn't sure that this was a good idea. Honestly, neither was I, but it needed to be done.
I reached out. Palil? You free? I have someone who wants to talk to you.
Who?
A flash, a drop of the conversation that I'd had with Jordan into her head. He wants to apologize. I think you should let him.
She was silent for a moment, sorting through the memory, then: No.
Palil, please, it's important.
NO!
But that was a really familiar stubborn tone she was taking. I knew how to deal with it. Palil, love, it's important to me. Give him a chance to say his piece. Please? For me?
Reluctance, giving way. All right. I don't promise I'll be nice.
Just don't hurt him. I focused back on Jordan. "Okay, she's willing to listen, at least. Surprising her by walking in with you would have been a bad idea."
"I assumed that. Gannon wishes me luck, but he is going to go hide. He figures after I die he can probably hide long enough that Palil will give up."
I laughed at that, then the laughter faded; he was serious. "Man, I didn't know Palil's reputation for viciousness had gotten quite that bad. She's really quite sweet, if you're on her good side."
Jordan winced. "It's not really what she can do, it's what she makes you think she will do."
That was my Palil. "I have to grant you that one. Her bite's worse than her bark, even. I'm pretty sure I can keep her from killing you, though." I got up and grabbed Jordan's elbow, pulling him upright. "Let's go talk to her," I said, and started walking him to the door.
He didn't fight me. Much, anyway. When we got to my and Palil's room, she was sitting at the desk in the small room. Her arms were crossed, but other than that she looked calm. Way too calm, really. I started to get uneasy; I could see the cold anger in her eyes. I stayed right next to him, and was shocked when something about that seemed to make her even angrier. I shot a look at her, and she looked back; then she relaxed a bit.
Jordan cleared his throat and said, "Palil, I know you are probably still going to hate me or hold a grudge. That's up to you. I just wanted to say I was sorry for all things I did while we were growing up. It was mean and stupid. I know you probably won't believe me, but I just thought I should say it."
She narrowed her dark violet eyes, just a touch. "And you being sorry is supposed to make a difference to me? You still did what you did."
He shook his head. "Didn't think it would, Palil. You don't forgive easily. I understand that. But all people change, even you might someday. And some day you might do something that you wish you could take back. I hope they forgive you."
Palil took a long breath in, and I saw, suddenly, a little bit of why most people seemed to think she was so intimidating. That deadly calm gathered itself, and her eyes fixed on Jordan's face. If I hadn't been bonded to her, I'd have had no idea what she was about to say or do. "Sondirra claims you've changed. I'm not so sure. Maybe you're pretending to have changed, for whatever reason. I'm not nearly as easily convinced as she is. Because she argues for you so strongly, I'll give you a chance to prove it to me. I'll be watching you." She paused, and a little smile curved her lips. "But I tell you this, Jordan. If you ever hurt my bondmate again, I will make you wish you'd never been born."
I hissed at her, "Palil, stop that!" She looked at me, surprise and annoyance coming through our bond.
Jordan nodded, then unbuckled his sword belt, sliding his scabbarded sword off of it. He laid it on the desk next to her. She didn't move a muscle, except to follow him with her eyes. "It's the one that I have carried since school. It was created a great many relatives ago. Keep it until you forgive me. If ever."
Then he turned and walked away, closing the door behind him.
It was almost as if a physical blow had pushed her off balance. She stared down at the sword, and I could feel nothing but utter bafflement from her. "What?" she said, her voice strangled.
"I told you! God, Palil, can't you see he's changed?"
"I see no such thing," she said, suddenly rising up from her chair. "I see you with your vision clouded because your little childhood crush has suddenly declared that he likes you. I see Jordan claiming he's changed, but I think he's pretending. I think he wants into your pants, and he's figured out this is the only way he might get there. The minute you start caring about him, he'll be back to his old ways and you'll be hooked."
I stared at her, completely stunned. "You think I'm going to sleep with him? Palil! He fucking just gave you his sword! You don't do that just because you want to sleep with someone!"
"You want to sleep with him. You've wanted to ever since you were old enough to notice boys. Remember, I'm in your head. He would use you and throw you away."
"I am not planning to sleep with Jordan. I just want to be friends with him! Is that so hard for you to understand? Yes, he was an asshole for years, but so was I. We were both responsible for it getting so bad. We have a chance as adults to be friends. I am not letting you ruin that chance for me just because you're jealous!"
"Jealous?" Palil asked. Her voice had gotten low and sweet all of a sudden, and I winced. "You think I'm jealous, Sondirra?"
I set my mouth. I was not going to back down on this. "I think you're jealous of anyone who cares about me. You're even kind of jealous about the time I spend with Oberan, and you're the one who was pushing me towards him! You only slacked off because you started sleeping with Olin, and you had someone to take your mind off of it."
That hit bone, and I was immediately sorry I'd said it. "Don't you dare bring Olin into this," she said, her voice still low. "Who's jealous now, that I got someone you wanted to sleep with?"
The hells? "Palil, what the hell are you talking about? I hit on him. Once. Years ago. I was bored and horny and he looked good. I'm not jealous, I'm happy for you! Why are we fighting about this?"
"Why are we fighting about any of it?" Her voice was starting to climb in volume now. For someone on the small side in her small form, she could sure make a lot of noise when she wanted to. She was probably audible out on the street. "Why are we fighting about any of this? Why won't you admit that Jordan's up to no good, and he'll never change? Why are you being so damned stubborn?"
Nobody has ever accused me of having the ability to stop a fight once it's started. "Why are you? What are you so damned afraid of, Palil? What's scaring you so bad? You're never angry like this unless something's scaring the hell out of you!"
It happened in what seemed like the time between one heartbeat and the next. One second, Palil was standing across the room from me, eyes wide with shock and anger. The next, her eyes had gone blank and cold, and she had me by the waist and was lifting me up into the air, and I knew without knowing how I knew that she was about to throw me into the wall. I screamed, "Palil! Goddamnit, Palil! Don't do this!"
She froze.
Rational thought entered her eyes once more.
And she dropped me.
I landed and went to one knee; when I looked up, the door was hanging open and she was gone. There were people at the door; I looked up, my vision blurry with tears, and saw that it was my teammates. Behind them, Paloma stood on her tiptoes. They must have been outside the door, they must have heard me and Palil shrieking at each other. I took a shaky breath. "I'm fine, guys. Seriously." I wiped my eyes on my sleeve. "Did anyone see where Palil went?"
"Outside," Beamer said. "I think Paquita went after her."
I felt for my bondmate with my mind; she had retreated from me, thrown up all the shields she knew about, and at the moment I couldn't get close. I thought she might be flying, though. "She's probably heading for the mountains. She'll be back by morning."
"What happened?" Bambi asked.
I gave them a shaky smile. "We were having a discussion. It didn't go well. If you guys don't mind, I think I need to be alone to get myself settled down so I can talk to her rationally. Okay?"
They looked dubious, but retreated and closed the door anyway. I went over to the desk and picked up Jordan's sword. I drew it a few inches; it was fine old steel, well cared for. The sword is the soul of a warrior, I remembered Yuri telling us. Soul and steel.
I stashed the sword in the bottom of Palil's pack, next to the wrapped Capricorn shortsword. Then I laid down on the bed and gave in to tears, muffling my crying with a pillow. I hurt, oh, I hurt. I still thought I was more in the right than she was, but I'd badly hurt the person I loved most in the world, and so I wept hot tears into the pillow, trying to stay as quiet as I could.
The tears only lasted a few minutes. Then I washed my face and spent a couple of minutes composing myself. I needed something to take my mind off fighting with Palil, and I needed to talk to Jordan, so I decided to combine the two and see if I could find him.
I caught up with him after asking a couple of his teammates where he'd gone. "I think he was heading towards the Wall, actually," Lida said. "Do you really--"
"I'm fine, I just need to tell him something. Thanks!" I took off towards where I thought he'd be heading, and I was right. I fell in beside him. "You surprised Palil," I said.
He looked over at me, then jerked his chin at the fountain we were just passing. We went to sit on the edge of it, water splashing behind us. "I thought it might be the only way. If she has to think about it, she might actually change her mind. If she doesn't have to think about it, she will always see me as a bully."
"It's still going to take a while for her to make up her mind one way or another." Wow, is it ever, if tonight's anything to go by. "But it was a good move, Jordan."
Jordan shook his head. "I don't really expect her to change. I don't think I would in her position. Why did you?"
I chuckled. "You really want to know why?"
"Yes, I would."
I looked away from him, off down the street, as I replied. "Because not having you poking and insulting me threw me off-balance, and I had to figure out why. A constant in my life had just disappeared, and I missed it. That got me to thinking, did I miss the irritation, or did I miss the person behind it? I was really surprised when I figured out it was you I missed. Then I talked to Gannon about it, and I believed him when he'd said you'd changed. I'd seen it myself, but dismissed it because I was letting Palil's dislike of you overrun my own judgment."
I glanced over at him. He was looking a little rueful. "To be really honest, I haven't changed. This is the real me. What you saw before was the mask. I just took it off."
I thought about it, and surprised myself by saying, "Maybe, down deep, I always knew that. I thought you hated me, but underneath there was always me wondering if that was the only thing going on."
Jordan smiled. "No, just the opposite."
And that was a subject I didn't want to go into right now. "Yeah, well, can't blame me for getting the wrong impression," I said, lightly. "So. Friends, now? Maybe?"
"Friends," he said, and held out his hand.
I reached out and took it, shook it, then decided aw, what the hell and pulled him into a hug. "There. Friends," I said.
He was startled at first, but then he returned the hug. It didn't last overly long, but it was definitely an I love you so much it hurts sort of hug. Before he let me go, he said, "I will always have your back."
I sat back and said, "And I've got yours. Now, I'm thirsty. Want to go for a drink? We can tell each other stories about what the first six months of the real military was like."
He got up, stretching. "Sure! It's a beautiful back, by the way. I could watch it all day." He grinned and took off running towards the nearest pub, calling over his shoulder, "Come on, slowpoke!"
I laughed and followed him. There would be time enough to worry about Palil later. Right now, I had a few bridges to keep mending.
Palil
High and higher I climbed, using my wide wings to their finest advantage as I flew away from Khatanga and up into the mountains. The moon was waning but the sky was clear, and there was more than enough light to see by as I found a snowy, rocky ridge and dropped down onto it. I folded my wings, dropped to my belly, and thumped my head down into the snow. My mind and heart were in such disarray that I couldn't think, couldn't do anything except lie there and hope that the cold would make it easier to think.
Wings sounded above me, cracking as a dragon backwinged and dropped neatly onto the ridge. I lifted my head; it was Paquita. Her scales shone dimly as she settled down, looking down at me. "Go away," I snarled, and put my head back down into the snow.
She rustled her wings, amused. "You want to talk about it, or just pout?"
Pout? I wasn't pouting. I was...I was...Damn. I was pouting. I sighed and raised my head. "Talk about it. I guess. This is such a mess."
"What happened?" she asked, settling down in front of me and wrapping her tail around the front of her.
Where to even begin? "There's kind of a long story to it, but basically, Jordan's pretty much always been an asshole to us, and to Sondirra in particular. He used to wait for her places and attack her. Nearly killed her a couple of times. That spread to the rest of us. Now she claims he's changed his ways and wants to be friends with him. We fought about that, and then she said something to me that made me just...lose it." I clamped my wings tight to my body at the memory. "I almost hurt her."
"Don't you believe her?" Paquita asked.
"No. I don't think Jordan's capable of changing. I think there's something else going on here, and Sondirra's way too willing to take what's said to her at face value sometimes." My wonderful, open-hearted, open-handed bondmate, so willing to let bygones be bygones.
"And you think that if she does take him at face value, she is going to get hurt?"
I raised my head. "Very much so. I mostly think he's trying to get into her pants, and once he gets what he wants, he's going to make her life miserable."
"And how, pray tell, is he going to make her life miserable?"
I thought about everything I'd ever wanted to do to Jordan, every little bit of devious plan I'd ever had to destroy his soul without ever harming a hair on his head. "There are worse things you can do to someone than physically beating them. Get them to fall for you, then convince them slowly that they're without value, that you can do whatever you want to them and they can't stop you."
"And you think Jordan is going to do this to her? Does she do this a lot? Get together with people that hurt her?"
I blinked. Why did it seem like Paquita was defending Jordan? "She doesn't, but....this is Jordan. He's a bully through and through. Always has been. And Sondirra's sort of liked him for a long time, even though he was awful to her."
"Are you absolutely sure? Why don't you believe he can change? Because you can't? You have him pegged and now he is becoming the square peg in the round hole and he won't fit?" she asked, her voice low.
My tail lashed. "Have you ever seen someone who was out and out nasty suddenly deciding one day to change? Because I haven't. Besides, there are some things that shouldn't be forgiven."
"I have seen someone change, several someones. What did he do that was so horrible? He obviously didn't kill her."
I hissed, remembering. "You should see the scars she has from him. One of the last times was one of the worst. He gave her a wound in her leg that, if it hadn't been caught by the clerics right away, would have meant she'd have needed to use a cane to walk for the rest of her life. And he was always just...nasty. Insulting her. Calling her names. I could never figure out why it didn't bother her more."
Paquita blinked her gold eyes at me, and then said slowly, "I have read your files. Did you know it was Jordan that ran over two miles to get the cleric to heal Sondirra?"
"And? He knew he what the penalty would have been for crippling a classmate." Contemptuous, I added, "He just wanted to save his own hide."
"Then why was he caught every morning in the infirmary, sitting by her bed, holding her hand while she slept?"
I jerked my head upward in surprise, spreading my wings. "He what?"
"It's in his file. He was tossed out of the room every morning by the head cleric at #2."
I shook my head. "All right, that's....really strange. Why would he have done that?"
Paquita narrowed her eyes. "Because he cares for her. More than you think."
No. No, no... "Sondirra...told me that the reason he was so awful was because he hated feeling what he did for her. But...no. I can't believe it. I don't want him to care about her." I paused, listening to myself. I sounded like a whiny dragonet. I dipped my head. "That sounded childish, didn't it?"
"Yes, yes it did. What more evidence do you need? He gave Dillon a direct order to take care of Sondirra when she went into shock over her eye." She fixed me with a stern glare, and reflexively, I brought my wings forward. "He saw you fall in the fight with Kane and saved you both, plus got Kane. And Cowan just told me he turned over his sword to you."
Word about that was spreading, was it? Well, when she put it like that... "Do people really change like this? So suddenly?"
"Oberan did."
I tilted my head. "Harbin mentioned something about that, once."
She nodded. "Oberan was the cockiest person to come out of #2 in awhile. It's true he was good, and we were some of the best. But he killed his wife and lost some of his team. Good friends all. I have never seen a man change so suddenly."
The weight of what Paquita was telling me was starting to bend my resolve, and I tried to fight it. "I guess they do, then, since I've seen the result." I looked away, flushed cold, but brought up the words from the darkest corner of my reluctant heart. "When I nearly hurt Sondirra before it was because she asked me what I was afraid of."
"And what are you afraid of? Jordan hurting her--or you losing her?"
It took me a while to respond. "Losing her. To him. To anyone. To death."
Paquita raised her wings slightly. "You are bonded for life, Palil. I am scared of losing Cowan to death as well, but to another person--no. We are stuck with each other. No matter how many lovers, wives, children he could have. I will still be the one in his head."
"I've seen a lot of the ways a bond can go bad, though. Just because you're bonded to someone, doesn't mean you have to like them. She's the only person I've ever loved, and the only person I know for sure loves me."
"It's no doubt bonds can go bad, and some really bad. But I don't think you will be one of them. You have a strong bond and you are a lot alike. You are bound to disagree sometimes." She stretched out one clawed hand in the snow, raked the icy crust restlessly. "It's how you make up that will set you apart from the bad bonds. If you get angry and let it grow, you may end up that way. If you take the time to see her side and let her make her own decisions good or bad, you won't."
I thought about it, then said, in a voice that hesitated more than I thought it should have, "I suppose...I should trust her, shouldn't I? Just because she always jumps in with both feet and without looking doesn't mean she's wrong. I'm always surprised how often she's right."
"Instinct. She has it." Paquita tilted her head, shaking out her wings. "No one said you have to like him or even trust him. Just let her try. And if he hurts her, or you are right in the end, I can have him shipped Chelyabinsk for permanent assignment." Her voice was just a little bit smug. "Fifty years from now he will be dead. And two hundred from now you will say, Jordan, oh yeah I remember him."
It was a good point. "True. He is human, after all."
"Yes, he is. I feel sorrier for Gannon. He will be alone in fifty years. Knowing what it was like once, but never again."
I thought about the loneliness, about the dark fear of Sondirra dying and leaving me alone. What would it be like, to know for certain that my bond was going to be just an eyeblink at the beginning of my life? To love, knowing that you were going to have to live without them for most of your life? "And all the dragons who bond with humans. There are days when I think the people who say humans should be kept away from the hatching grounds are right, at least in part."
"Sometimes I have to agree, but I have talked to many dragons that will disagree with you. Too many say they wouldn't have done it differently."
I curled my tail around myself. "Better to have loved and lost, eh?"
Paquita nodded. "So they say. So let Sondirra love and lose, if that is her choice. But for now all she wants is another friend. That too much to ask?"
The problem with Paquita was that she was way too reasonable. I sighed. "No....no, it's not, really. I don't know if I'll ever forgive him. But I'll trust Sondirra."
"You don't have to forgive him. You don't have to like him. You just have to trust Sondirra. And if you are right you can be smug and tell me I told you so."
I bared my teeth just slightly. "And if I'm right, there's always Chelyabinsk."
Paquita chuckled. "Yep, I promise I will send him there the moment he does something funny." She cocked her head at me. "You sound like she is going to rush out, dump Oberan and bear Jordan's children."
"Well, not right away." How could I explain this? How could I explain the web I'd seen the moment I realized that Jordan had feelings for my bondmate, the tumble of events towards a conclusion that was getting more likely? "I can see it coming, though. It might not happen, it's not going to happen exactly like that, but...Jordan and Sondirra are a lot alike, in some ways. More alike than Oberan and she are," I admitted, reluctantly.
"And it's true, since the death of his wife, Oberan has had trouble with relationships. He's a bit distant."
"I've seen that. It's not bothering Sondirra now, but I'm afraid it's going to. Sondirra does everything with her whole heart. Having someone hold back with her frustrates her sometimes."
Paquita nodded. "And it might break them up. But remember again, Oberan is just getting over that death. They may come back together again in two hundred years."
"True. Sondirra and I are both very, very young, yet," I said. Twelve years was nothing. A breath. A heartbeat. An eyeblink. "With luck, there will be time."
"Yes and if Jordan some day becomes her lover, it will probably just be a blip in her lifetime. Nothing more than a story to tell a millennium from now."
I tried to imagine the two of us a thousand years from now, sitting in an inn somewhere, laughing as we reminisced. "The amusing story of how it turned out that the class bully was really in love with her all along."
"Yes, and probably nothing more. Unless you get a bunch of half drow running around, but that's just too weird to contemplate."
I laughed then, and was surprised to find myself capable of doing so. "We met a half-drow once, but he was actually half-elf, half-drow, I think. But, yes, that's a really bizarre thought."
Paquita's expression suddenly sobered, her wings dropping back, looking at me. "And don't give him the sword back until you really mean it. That way, he knows where he stands at all times. If you give it back, be prepared to accept him as part of your family."
My family? Jordan, as part of my family? I tried to imagine it. "I won't, and I'll keep it in mind. I don't know if I ever will. Then again, I didn't think there was any way anyone was going to be able to talk me into even giving him a chance."
"You are doing it for Sondirra, not him." She gave me a sudden, canny look. "Do you feel the same way about Gannon?"
I blinked. "No, of course not! Gannon's not bad at all. I feel kind of sorry for him for having picked a bond like Jordan, but I never blamed him for any of what happened. "
"Why?" she asked, quietly.
"Because he never did anything. He was never the one mouthing off or going after Sondirra. He couldn't control what Jordan was doing."
"But he is his bond. He should have known even before Jordan did anything. Why the double standard?"
I'd never tried to reason this out, really, and I struggled with it, going over the past in my mind. "He probably did, but what could he have done, except maybe sit on Jordan until he wore himself out?"
"True but still it went on. Jordan bullied his own bond?"
Well, I supposed it was possible, but... "I never really thought about it. Gannon always sort of faded into the background around Jordan. Are you trying to tell me that Gannon was an active participant in Jordan's behavior?"
She shook her head. "No, just wondering why you hate Jordan so much but lay nothing on Gannon, the dragon. You nearly threw Sondirra through a wall. Gannon can easily do the same. He is a red after all. Second only in strength to me." She bared her teeth briefly, her wings dropping in a smile. "Why didn't he stop him?"
"That's actually a very good question. Gannon probably could have, if he'd really wanted to. I suppose I never thought about it. Gannon and I aren't friends, really, but we're not unfriendly either. And, well, he's one of us. He mostly stayed in the background, when we were growing up." What was Paquita getting at, here?
"So because he is a dragon he gets the benefit of the doubt, or did Gannon know something that you didn't? Because he is Jordan's bond."
"He...must have known how Jordan felt about Sondirra," I said, kicking myself for not thinking about it sooner. Of course Gannon knew.
"Hmmm imagine that," Paquita said, smug.
I snorted at her. "And he let it continue because he knew that it likely wouldn't end up that Jordan actually killed her?"
"Or hoped it would sort itself out and they would become friends or more. Did you ever consider talking to Gannon about it?"
I nodded. "Once or twice, actually, when we got older. Actually, I tried to a couple of times. He was never around when I went looking for him..." I blinked. "...and I'm starting to wonder why, exactly, that was."
"Why don't you find out? MI is all about the talking."
I stared at her. "You think I should go talk to Gannon about it?"
She smoothed down the whiskers on her muzzle with one clawed hand. "Don't you? He would give you a better understanding of Jordan than I can or even Sondirra."
Paquita was often irritatingly right. She was so good-natured that it was impossible to resent her for it, though. "It's probably a good idea. I don't really want to do it, but I know I should, and that's enough to make me go do it."
She spread her wings and laughed. "Good, glad you thought of it. Now go and get all the facts before you do something stupid."
I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Mom."
"That's Colonel Mom to you," she said.
"All right, all right, I'll get my butt moving." I got to my feet, shaking out my legs and tail. Up close, the size difference between Paquita and I was startling; she was over twice my size.
She extended a wing and brushed the top of my head. "It will be all right, Palil, don't worry about it so much."
I nodded. "It's my job to worry. But I'll keep it in mind." Then I turned, crouched, and leaped out and away from the ridge, diving for a few seconds to gain speed then spreading my wings to catch the wind coming up the ride.
I thought about what I was going to say to Gannon all the way back to Khatanga. I clicked my teeth together, thinking, but in the end decided to start with a question and see where it went from there.
I got down, changed, and found some clothing to put on. Gannon was in the room he and Jordan were sharing, and, thankfully, alone. "Could I talk to you?" I asked.
He gestured at a chair. "Yes, Captain?"
"I'm here as me, not in my official role. You can speak freely. Look, I've had Sondirra tell me all sorts of things about Jordan recently. I was hoping you could tell me more." I added, ruefully, "And, no, I'm not out after revenge."
I'd startled him, and he frowned. He looked tired, Gannon did. Like he was carrying something very heavy he had no hope of putting down any time soon. His human form sort of drooped, and his wasn't the sort of frame that usually drooped well. "That's good to know. What do you want to know?"
Well, it was useless beating around the bush. "Why didn't you ever stop Jordan, when he was being such a bully? Or do anything, really?"
He jaw tightened. "It's not going to be what you want to hear, I don't think."
I made a helpless gesture. "I've gotten a lot of practice today hearing things I didn't want to hear."
There was something familiar about how he was holding himself. He was...not afraid of me, I realized, but braced for the possibility that I was going to take a violent dislike to what he was about to tell me. It bothered me that I saw it in him, and it especially bothered me that it was familiar. What have I been doing to the people around me? I wondered.
He voice was slow, when he found it. "I did stop Jordan a great many times, just not with Sondirra. Every time, though, that he fought with Sondirra I turned him in to Yuri. He has scars on his back from the times he was whipped because of that."
Scars? I thought. And then-- "Why didn't you stop him with Sondirra?"
"Because I hoped that he would make Sondirra hate him."
I pressed, "All right, why did you want Sondirra to hate him?"
"I didn't want them to get together." His words were coming more reluctantly, now, and I could tell I was getting close to something that very much did not want to tell me.
Slightly exasperated, I said, "I'm still missing a why here, Gannon."
He looked at the floor. "Because Jordan loves her, more than I can take."
"...oh. He's obsessed?"
Gannon looked up, and there was pain written on his features. "No. He loves her more than he does his bond. I didn't want to be second."
"I...know the feeling." That horrible, cold, empty fear, that someone would ever come before me in my bond's life. "I'm sorry."
"So I let him, I sometimes encouraged him." I blinked. He had...egged Jordan on? "I'm sorry for that, Palil."
I looked at the red dragon sitting across from me, and thought briefly about getting angry. Maybe I would have, if that confession had come any sooner in the day. As it was, I just felt a tremendous sadness. So much pain, so much fear, on all sides. "Well, in some ways I'd probably be happier now if it'd worked. But it didn't. Sondirra refused to hate him, even when I did."
"Me, too. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Sondirra. Just what she stands for to Jordan."
I gave him a smile that I tried to make comforting but I'm pretty sure just came out tired. "Well, no matter what happens...you're his bondmate, not her. You're the one in his head. So someone wiser than I am told me recently."
"I know, but sometimes it doesn't feel like that."
"Have you talked to him about it?" I asked.
Gannon nodded. "Oddly, we have. And he feels he has no chance with Sondirra. He hates what he did. He is just asking for some time to get over her." He gave me a sharp look. "I think differently, and so do you. Don't you?"
I nodded. "Yes, I do. It's why I reacted badly when she tried to tell me he'd changed."
"He has and hasn't changed. What you see now is Jordan. The real one. That which was, never was him."
Softly, I said, "Coming from you....I guess I have to believe it." I turned in my chair and tucked one knee up against my chest.
"Hard to imagine, isn't it?"
"Incredibly. I guess, in a way, it might make it easier for me, though. If the person I hated so badly was just an illusion, a front."
"Well, it's hard for me to imagine the ice queen, no offense, would talk to me about how she was feeling, or me answering her. We all change." Gannon had a hesitant smile on his lips.
"I guess we do. Even me."
"He isn't bad. But I can understand if you don't want to give him a chance. He has earned your contempt."
I took a long breath. "I honestly don't know right now, Gannon. For the moment, I'm trusting Sondirra's judgment. Her intuition is very good. We'll see what happens. This might get rough for both of us. Look...if you ever need to talk about stuff, I'm here."
"Me too, Palil. We are in the unique situation of having something like this in common." He smiled again, and this time it was much less tentative. "And if this goes where I think, we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other. 'Tis best to be friends."
"I think so." I sighed. "All right. I need to go find my bond, and apologize to her."
"Don't be too hard on yourself, Palil. Go. I passed to Jordan that you were back, and he says Sondirra took off as soon as he told her, so she should be waiting for you."
"They were together?" I asked.
Gannon nodded. "Went out for a drink and to do some talking. Though 'talking' appears to have consisted of telling slightly exaggerated stories about their respective first six months in the military." He gave me an amused glance. "Unless Sondirra wasn't kidding about the chainmail bikinis."
"Actually, she wasn't. At all." I grinned. "All right. See you later." Gannon raised has hand and waved, and I was off, heading down to my own room.
Before I reached the door, I paused, and tentatively reached out with my mind. Sondirra?
To my enormous relief, Sondirra said back, Palil... Hesitant, she then sent, Can we talk?
I opened the door. My bond was sitting on the bed, looking at me with a strange expression in her eyes, happiness and trepidation and stubbornness. "Sondirra..." I started, then trailed off. I felt choked by everything I wanted to say, needed to say. "Sondirra, love, I am so sorry. I'm an idiot, and I reacted all out of proportion. I..." Words failed me.
Fortunately, Sondirra did not. She crossed the room then, threw her arms around me, hugged me tight. "It's okay," she said. "I forgive you. I tried to push too hard, too soon. I knew you had a grudge against Jordan, and I forgot how bloody stubborn you can be. We both can be."
"I still overreacted." I loosed myself from her, sat down on the bed, and she dropped down beside me. "I had Paquita talk to me about it."
"Did she? I'd hoped so, when Beamer said she'd followed you. What did she say?"
I gave my bond a rueful smile. "A lot of things. Including reminding me of the fact that even though you tend you jump into things without looking, you generally land well. You have good instincts, especially for people. I trust your judgment."
She put her arm around my shoulder. I continued, "She also told me a few things about Jordan that I didn't know. And...she made me admit what exactly I was afraid of."
"What?"
"Losing you," I said. "Love, you have no idea how much the prospect of you being gone, or of no longer being the most important person in your life, scares me. Jordan scares me, because of that."
She looked confused. "You think he's some kind of threat to our bond?"
"I wasn't thinking, that was the whole problem. You are I are stuck with each other. No matter who else is in our lives, we always have that."
She chuckled and gave me an affectionate hug. "Palil, you'll always be my main girl. No matter what. So...are you going to give Jordan a chance, maybe?"
"Paquita convinced me that this might be a real change. Or...not so much a change. A dropping of a person he wasn't. Gannon said about the same thing. I'm not very good at forgiveness, Sondirra. But I'll keep my eyes open and try not to judge him for the person he was back then. I may not succeed. I'll keep his sword until I know for sure, and then I'll decide what to do with it."
Sondirra looked surprised. "Wow, what did Paquita say to you? That's a lot farther than I thought anyone would get with you."
"A lot of things. But.." I paused. Should I tell her this? It might only hasten the inevitable. Yes. Learn from her example. Open your hands. "She's seen the records from our training days. That time he gave you the leg wound, we knew Jordan ran for help, a couple of miles in record time. But I didn't know that he got caught in your room every single morning you were in the infirmary by the morning cleric rotation. He was sitting by you and holding your hand while you slept."
She made a soft noise, a breath inward. "They wouldn't let you in, you were too big for the rooms. I thought I was going to die of all the lonely."
"I know. Jordan was doing what he could to keep you company. I don't know if I'll ever like him, or trust him. But...I'll try to give him a chance. You being friends with him might be good for him--for both of you. I talked about a few things with Gannon, as well." I wouldn't tell her about what he'd said, about her being more important to Jordan than his own bondmate was. "He and I got a few things clear between us."
Sondirra smiled. "Palil, I'm glad. I'm proud of you."
I looked at her, my wonderful bond, the only person in the world I loved, my light. A woman who threw her whole being into whatever she did, who fought like she was dancing, who danced like it was the only thing that mattered. The most remarkably forgiving person I'd ever known.
About then, I realized I was crying. Sondirra pulled me into her arms, whispering, "Sssh, Palil, it's all right. My brave girl. My dark angel, my brilliant and wise winged love. I will always, always love you. Always, always, always."
Accompanying her words was a love and joy so pure it was painful, and the realization that when I'd almost hurt her earlier today, so sick with terror that I'd lashed out at her, she hadn't been afraid for herself, but for me. Afraid of what I'd do to myself if I hurt her, or even killed her. If I'd lost control for just a split second longer, if I'd used my full strength against her--
"But you didn't," she said, resting her cheek on the top of my head. "You heard me when I yelled. You heard me and you pulled yourself out of your fear long enough to recognize what was happening and realize that we both needed to calm down. I don't think it'll happen again, Palil. I really don't."
"If I hurt you--" I choked.
"You won't," she said. "You never hurt me, even when you were three days old and about as graceful as a drunk ox. You're not going to start now." She was absolutely certain, and I wrapped myself in that certainty.
"Thank you," I murmured. I opened my eyes, and realized that the moon was setting. "Sondirra? Weren't you supposed to go spend the night with Oberan?"
"I told Cowan to tell him that I needed to work something out with you. Paquita will probably fill him in. He won't mind. Where was Olin, tonight?"
"He probably heard about us fighting and assumed I would be either busy or not fit company tonight. We should probably get some sleep, though. Want to come up to the mountains with me?"
"Sure, let me grab a couple of blankets."
So we ended up in a sheltered valley above Khatanga, curled up together like we had when we were younger, under the stars. I almost could have sworn I saw a huge shape blotting out the stars once or twice--Chaim out hunting, or on patrol, I thought.
I curled a little tighter around my sleeping, blanket-wrapped bond. I will always have this. No matter what happens in the future. I will have the memory of this.
Then I slept, as well.
Sondirra:
The thing about Jordan kept bugging me as we took the long way around the peninsula, flying in separate groups but either camping or sleeping in inns together at night. We'd gotten to Khatanga, and I happened to sit next to Dillon at dinner. We were talking about the flight, and I don't know how the subject of Jordan came up, but it did. "I swear someone's replaced him with someone who looks just like him, but is actually nice. Remember that fight when you got the arrows in the eye? Jordan pretty much buttonholed me right about the end of the fight and told me that you were going to need me more than anyone else. It was true, too. Without some healing, you wouldn't have bled to death, but you'd have gone into some serious shock. Too far into shock and there's not a whole lot we can do but keep you warm and hope you shake it."
I blinked. "Jordan sent you over?"
"Yeah. He didn't tell you? Weird."
I kept thinking about that for the rest of dinner. The thought occurred to me that maybe there were still things left unsaid, and I was the person who needed to say them. I owed Jordan some thanks. Both for that, and for saving my and Palil's lives.
After dinner, I said to Palil, "I'm going to go talk to Jordan. Wish me luck."
"Talk to him? Whatever for?"
"I need to thank him. He's done some good things for me--and us--lately. It would be really ungrateful of me not to thank him."
She snarled. "He doesn't deserve a kind word, much less thanks for anything. Anything he could do now is tiny against what he's done to you in the past. Leave it, Sondirra."
She was sitting on the bed, and I sat down next to her and put my arm around her shoulders. "Palil, love, it's just going to itch at me until I say it. You know me." I touched her mind gently with mine, and pulled back in surprise as I felt simmering resentment inside a fragile shell of calm. "Palil? What's wrong?"
She just looked at me for a moment. Then she said, in a small voice, "Go, do what you need to do. It's really none of my business."
Hurt and not quite sure why, I got up, grabbed my cloak, and went to find Jordan.
He was alone in the room he and Gannon were sharing, and the door was ajar. I pushed it open and stuck my head into the room. "Got a minute?" I asked.
He looked up. "Sure. Captain."
I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me. "It's just me right now, Jordan. Not the Captain. Um...I was talking to Haven, and he mentioned that you and Gannon were the ones who caught me and Palil when Kane almost killed us. He also said you were the one who took out Kane. And Dillon said that you were the one who sent him over when I got those arrows in my eye. I just wanted to thank you, is all. I appreciate it."
He'd stood when I'd come into the room, and now he was looking down at the floor. After a moment, he raised his eyes to meet mine. "No thanks necessary, Sondirra. It's my way, in a very strange sort of way, of saying sorry."
"Sorry for what?" I asked.
"Sorry for treating you the way I did in school, sorry about tormenting your teammates, sorry about just about everything. It was mean and rude."
Despite what Gannon had said, it was about the last thing I expected Jordan to ever say to me. I felt incredibly awkward right then, like if I moved I'd break something fragile. "That's...not something I'd never thought I'd hear from you. And as I recall, I was really good at being nasty to you, myself. I escalated. I regret that, now."
Jordan shrugged. "I started, you escalated, I escalated back. Somewhere in there we became enemies. I didn't want that, but I couldn't stop it either."
I nodded. "Me, neither. And when I got old enough to know better, I...just didn't stop." Even though I'd known I should, I'd known I was crossing lines left and right.
"Me either. Sorry." He grimaced a bit. "Sorry about Palil, too. She will probably never forgive me. She keeps a long grudge."
Didn't I just know it. "I'm working on her. She might come around, I don't know. I'm sorry, too. I could have done things to stop it, but I just didn't. And then the insulting and the hitting was the only way I could ever sort of interact with you, and now that's gone, as well."
He let out a breath, and his shoulders sagged. "And here we sit staring at each other, not knowing what to really say. We have never just talked. It was insults, and then the hitting."
I just looked at him for a moment, then grabbed a chair and pulled it over. Jordan did the same. I plopped down on my chair, and sighed. "No, we haven't. And I have no idea where to begin."
"Me either." There was that self-deprecating smile again, a strange expression on his handsome face. "Well I do, but courage on the battlefield is one thing. Courage in other aspects fails me quite a lot."
Did I just hear the king of ego admit that he's scared of something? Oh, my. "Well, if you were going to begin somewhere, where would you begin?" I asked. Maybe if I provided an opening...
Jordan took a breath. "I guess I would have to begin with that I have always had feelings for you. At first I didn't know what they were, then I wanted them to go away. So I thought I could beat it out of you, and maybe you would beat it out of me. It didn't happen."
I smiled, a bit unsteadily. "I'd...kind of figured that out, just recently."
"I thought you might have guessed, or Gannon told you."
"Both, actually. I figured it out, then I went to ask Gannon what the hell was up with you lately."
Jordan rolled his eyes a bit. "And Gannon would tell you, because he likes me to learn these life lessons the hard way."
"He pretty much said as much, actually," I said.
"Yes, he is like that. Can't blame him. I am probably getting to him. I don't mean to be. Or to you, as a matter of fact."
Weirdly, as the conversation went on, I was starting to feel steadier, as the air was clearing and all the unsaid things were being said. "I know. I just hate having things hanging around unsaid. I can deal with the fact that you have feelings for me. The only thing I wonder is if it's a good idea for us to try to be friends because of that. I, um...would kind of like to be friends with you."
That was a smile of not-quite-believing happiness on his face. "I would like that too. It's just seeing you with Oberan closed a door I thought was open. Seeing you with your one nighters was fine, I knew it probably didn't mean anything. But seeing you with someone for a longer time... It told me the door was closed, and I would have to walk on by."
How to say this, without getting his hopes up too high or promising something that I wasn't nearly ready to even think about? "I know. I wouldn't exactly call that particular door closed forever, you know. For now, yes. But I've got no idea where this thing with Oberan is going, if it's going anywhere."
He searched my expression and my eyes for a second before he responded. "I think it may be hard for you to forgive me and Palil would never let it happen, even to just be friends. I would apologize to Palil, but I think I would get a breath weapon to the face for it."
I shook my head. "No, you wouldn't. I wouldn't let her do that. I didn't know exactly how much she disliked you, but now I do, and I can talk to her. I wish Garnet were here, though. She was the only one who could really get Palil down off of her high horse. I can try, though."
"It's all right, Sondirra. I know I deserve it. I could have killed you a few times with some of those wounds. But I think it would have killed me more. I probably would have died inside without you."
That left me lost for words for a second, and I looked away from him. "I saw you, you know. That last time, when you gave me that nice wound in my leg. You went for help. If you'd have left me, I would probably have come close to dying. At the time, I wondered why you'd gone for help, since you knew you were going to get in trouble for it. I think you stopped deserving Palil's grudge the moment you figured out that you wanted to apologize to me."
"I have wanted to for many years, just didn't have the words. And I still have the scar from the headmaster for that leg wound."
I looked at him. "Looks like you found them. We'll have to compare scars, one of these days--that wound left a really interesting one."
Jordan grimaced. "Oh, you should see all the whip scars on my back for stuff I did to you and your teammates."
"Serious? We thought you were mostly getting away with it." There had been a lot of grumbling about it, too. I'd resented that, that Jordan could do the stuff he did and he never seemed to catch any shit for it, at least until the end.
He smiled, and there was a fair amount of old pain in that smile. "Oh, no. I never got away with it. Gannon made sure of it. They were more lenient if I confessed first. If Gannon did, it was worse. So that's why I left right after something happened. I was off to the headmaster."
I stared at him. "You're joking. No, you're not. So that's why you were always scarce when we went looking for you."
He turned around then, and lifted his shirt up. Crisscrossing the fair skin of his back were scars, some thin and gone silver, some still faintly red and puckered. "Wish I was." He pulled his shirt down and sat back down. "My own fault. Can't blame anyone but me for that."
I whistled low, shook my head. "I'm just amazed you kept doing it."
"Me too, sheer stubbornness, I think."
"Well, we've all done stupid things in our time. Trust me on this one." I grinned. "Remember how, after you gave me that leg wound, I was down for a couple of weeks? I'm seriously irritating when I'm bored. I spent the entire time singing "100 Bottles of Vodka on the Wall" to Palil. In her head. Loudly. Off-key. It wasn't until after that that she got such a serious grudge against you." I had no idea whatever possessed me to think that was a good way of passing time.
"Thanks, I think." He took a breath. "Well, if you think it would help Palil get over it--I will talk to her, as long as you are with me. I am not sure I would want to talk to her alone."
"Yeah, I think you talking to her alone might be a bad idea. Though, honestly, if she killed you now she'd have to make a report about why she'd done so, and she hates paperwork almost as much as I do. I'll go with you if you're willing to talk to her, though."
"Sure, better late than never, I suppose." He looked like he wasn't sure that this was a good idea. Honestly, neither was I, but it needed to be done.
I reached out. Palil? You free? I have someone who wants to talk to you.
Who?
A flash, a drop of the conversation that I'd had with Jordan into her head. He wants to apologize. I think you should let him.
She was silent for a moment, sorting through the memory, then: No.
Palil, please, it's important.
NO!
But that was a really familiar stubborn tone she was taking. I knew how to deal with it. Palil, love, it's important to me. Give him a chance to say his piece. Please? For me?
Reluctance, giving way. All right. I don't promise I'll be nice.
Just don't hurt him. I focused back on Jordan. "Okay, she's willing to listen, at least. Surprising her by walking in with you would have been a bad idea."
"I assumed that. Gannon wishes me luck, but he is going to go hide. He figures after I die he can probably hide long enough that Palil will give up."
I laughed at that, then the laughter faded; he was serious. "Man, I didn't know Palil's reputation for viciousness had gotten quite that bad. She's really quite sweet, if you're on her good side."
Jordan winced. "It's not really what she can do, it's what she makes you think she will do."
That was my Palil. "I have to grant you that one. Her bite's worse than her bark, even. I'm pretty sure I can keep her from killing you, though." I got up and grabbed Jordan's elbow, pulling him upright. "Let's go talk to her," I said, and started walking him to the door.
He didn't fight me. Much, anyway. When we got to my and Palil's room, she was sitting at the desk in the small room. Her arms were crossed, but other than that she looked calm. Way too calm, really. I started to get uneasy; I could see the cold anger in her eyes. I stayed right next to him, and was shocked when something about that seemed to make her even angrier. I shot a look at her, and she looked back; then she relaxed a bit.
Jordan cleared his throat and said, "Palil, I know you are probably still going to hate me or hold a grudge. That's up to you. I just wanted to say I was sorry for all things I did while we were growing up. It was mean and stupid. I know you probably won't believe me, but I just thought I should say it."
She narrowed her dark violet eyes, just a touch. "And you being sorry is supposed to make a difference to me? You still did what you did."
He shook his head. "Didn't think it would, Palil. You don't forgive easily. I understand that. But all people change, even you might someday. And some day you might do something that you wish you could take back. I hope they forgive you."
Palil took a long breath in, and I saw, suddenly, a little bit of why most people seemed to think she was so intimidating. That deadly calm gathered itself, and her eyes fixed on Jordan's face. If I hadn't been bonded to her, I'd have had no idea what she was about to say or do. "Sondirra claims you've changed. I'm not so sure. Maybe you're pretending to have changed, for whatever reason. I'm not nearly as easily convinced as she is. Because she argues for you so strongly, I'll give you a chance to prove it to me. I'll be watching you." She paused, and a little smile curved her lips. "But I tell you this, Jordan. If you ever hurt my bondmate again, I will make you wish you'd never been born."
I hissed at her, "Palil, stop that!" She looked at me, surprise and annoyance coming through our bond.
Jordan nodded, then unbuckled his sword belt, sliding his scabbarded sword off of it. He laid it on the desk next to her. She didn't move a muscle, except to follow him with her eyes. "It's the one that I have carried since school. It was created a great many relatives ago. Keep it until you forgive me. If ever."
Then he turned and walked away, closing the door behind him.
It was almost as if a physical blow had pushed her off balance. She stared down at the sword, and I could feel nothing but utter bafflement from her. "What?" she said, her voice strangled.
"I told you! God, Palil, can't you see he's changed?"
"I see no such thing," she said, suddenly rising up from her chair. "I see you with your vision clouded because your little childhood crush has suddenly declared that he likes you. I see Jordan claiming he's changed, but I think he's pretending. I think he wants into your pants, and he's figured out this is the only way he might get there. The minute you start caring about him, he'll be back to his old ways and you'll be hooked."
I stared at her, completely stunned. "You think I'm going to sleep with him? Palil! He fucking just gave you his sword! You don't do that just because you want to sleep with someone!"
"You want to sleep with him. You've wanted to ever since you were old enough to notice boys. Remember, I'm in your head. He would use you and throw you away."
"I am not planning to sleep with Jordan. I just want to be friends with him! Is that so hard for you to understand? Yes, he was an asshole for years, but so was I. We were both responsible for it getting so bad. We have a chance as adults to be friends. I am not letting you ruin that chance for me just because you're jealous!"
"Jealous?" Palil asked. Her voice had gotten low and sweet all of a sudden, and I winced. "You think I'm jealous, Sondirra?"
I set my mouth. I was not going to back down on this. "I think you're jealous of anyone who cares about me. You're even kind of jealous about the time I spend with Oberan, and you're the one who was pushing me towards him! You only slacked off because you started sleeping with Olin, and you had someone to take your mind off of it."
That hit bone, and I was immediately sorry I'd said it. "Don't you dare bring Olin into this," she said, her voice still low. "Who's jealous now, that I got someone you wanted to sleep with?"
The hells? "Palil, what the hell are you talking about? I hit on him. Once. Years ago. I was bored and horny and he looked good. I'm not jealous, I'm happy for you! Why are we fighting about this?"
"Why are we fighting about any of it?" Her voice was starting to climb in volume now. For someone on the small side in her small form, she could sure make a lot of noise when she wanted to. She was probably audible out on the street. "Why are we fighting about any of this? Why won't you admit that Jordan's up to no good, and he'll never change? Why are you being so damned stubborn?"
Nobody has ever accused me of having the ability to stop a fight once it's started. "Why are you? What are you so damned afraid of, Palil? What's scaring you so bad? You're never angry like this unless something's scaring the hell out of you!"
It happened in what seemed like the time between one heartbeat and the next. One second, Palil was standing across the room from me, eyes wide with shock and anger. The next, her eyes had gone blank and cold, and she had me by the waist and was lifting me up into the air, and I knew without knowing how I knew that she was about to throw me into the wall. I screamed, "Palil! Goddamnit, Palil! Don't do this!"
She froze.
Rational thought entered her eyes once more.
And she dropped me.
I landed and went to one knee; when I looked up, the door was hanging open and she was gone. There were people at the door; I looked up, my vision blurry with tears, and saw that it was my teammates. Behind them, Paloma stood on her tiptoes. They must have been outside the door, they must have heard me and Palil shrieking at each other. I took a shaky breath. "I'm fine, guys. Seriously." I wiped my eyes on my sleeve. "Did anyone see where Palil went?"
"Outside," Beamer said. "I think Paquita went after her."
I felt for my bondmate with my mind; she had retreated from me, thrown up all the shields she knew about, and at the moment I couldn't get close. I thought she might be flying, though. "She's probably heading for the mountains. She'll be back by morning."
"What happened?" Bambi asked.
I gave them a shaky smile. "We were having a discussion. It didn't go well. If you guys don't mind, I think I need to be alone to get myself settled down so I can talk to her rationally. Okay?"
They looked dubious, but retreated and closed the door anyway. I went over to the desk and picked up Jordan's sword. I drew it a few inches; it was fine old steel, well cared for. The sword is the soul of a warrior, I remembered Yuri telling us. Soul and steel.
I stashed the sword in the bottom of Palil's pack, next to the wrapped Capricorn shortsword. Then I laid down on the bed and gave in to tears, muffling my crying with a pillow. I hurt, oh, I hurt. I still thought I was more in the right than she was, but I'd badly hurt the person I loved most in the world, and so I wept hot tears into the pillow, trying to stay as quiet as I could.
The tears only lasted a few minutes. Then I washed my face and spent a couple of minutes composing myself. I needed something to take my mind off fighting with Palil, and I needed to talk to Jordan, so I decided to combine the two and see if I could find him.
I caught up with him after asking a couple of his teammates where he'd gone. "I think he was heading towards the Wall, actually," Lida said. "Do you really--"
"I'm fine, I just need to tell him something. Thanks!" I took off towards where I thought he'd be heading, and I was right. I fell in beside him. "You surprised Palil," I said.
He looked over at me, then jerked his chin at the fountain we were just passing. We went to sit on the edge of it, water splashing behind us. "I thought it might be the only way. If she has to think about it, she might actually change her mind. If she doesn't have to think about it, she will always see me as a bully."
"It's still going to take a while for her to make up her mind one way or another." Wow, is it ever, if tonight's anything to go by. "But it was a good move, Jordan."
Jordan shook his head. "I don't really expect her to change. I don't think I would in her position. Why did you?"
I chuckled. "You really want to know why?"
"Yes, I would."
I looked away from him, off down the street, as I replied. "Because not having you poking and insulting me threw me off-balance, and I had to figure out why. A constant in my life had just disappeared, and I missed it. That got me to thinking, did I miss the irritation, or did I miss the person behind it? I was really surprised when I figured out it was you I missed. Then I talked to Gannon about it, and I believed him when he'd said you'd changed. I'd seen it myself, but dismissed it because I was letting Palil's dislike of you overrun my own judgment."
I glanced over at him. He was looking a little rueful. "To be really honest, I haven't changed. This is the real me. What you saw before was the mask. I just took it off."
I thought about it, and surprised myself by saying, "Maybe, down deep, I always knew that. I thought you hated me, but underneath there was always me wondering if that was the only thing going on."
Jordan smiled. "No, just the opposite."
And that was a subject I didn't want to go into right now. "Yeah, well, can't blame me for getting the wrong impression," I said, lightly. "So. Friends, now? Maybe?"
"Friends," he said, and held out his hand.
I reached out and took it, shook it, then decided aw, what the hell and pulled him into a hug. "There. Friends," I said.
He was startled at first, but then he returned the hug. It didn't last overly long, but it was definitely an I love you so much it hurts sort of hug. Before he let me go, he said, "I will always have your back."
I sat back and said, "And I've got yours. Now, I'm thirsty. Want to go for a drink? We can tell each other stories about what the first six months of the real military was like."
He got up, stretching. "Sure! It's a beautiful back, by the way. I could watch it all day." He grinned and took off running towards the nearest pub, calling over his shoulder, "Come on, slowpoke!"
I laughed and followed him. There would be time enough to worry about Palil later. Right now, I had a few bridges to keep mending.
Palil
High and higher I climbed, using my wide wings to their finest advantage as I flew away from Khatanga and up into the mountains. The moon was waning but the sky was clear, and there was more than enough light to see by as I found a snowy, rocky ridge and dropped down onto it. I folded my wings, dropped to my belly, and thumped my head down into the snow. My mind and heart were in such disarray that I couldn't think, couldn't do anything except lie there and hope that the cold would make it easier to think.
Wings sounded above me, cracking as a dragon backwinged and dropped neatly onto the ridge. I lifted my head; it was Paquita. Her scales shone dimly as she settled down, looking down at me. "Go away," I snarled, and put my head back down into the snow.
She rustled her wings, amused. "You want to talk about it, or just pout?"
Pout? I wasn't pouting. I was...I was...Damn. I was pouting. I sighed and raised my head. "Talk about it. I guess. This is such a mess."
"What happened?" she asked, settling down in front of me and wrapping her tail around the front of her.
Where to even begin? "There's kind of a long story to it, but basically, Jordan's pretty much always been an asshole to us, and to Sondirra in particular. He used to wait for her places and attack her. Nearly killed her a couple of times. That spread to the rest of us. Now she claims he's changed his ways and wants to be friends with him. We fought about that, and then she said something to me that made me just...lose it." I clamped my wings tight to my body at the memory. "I almost hurt her."
"Don't you believe her?" Paquita asked.
"No. I don't think Jordan's capable of changing. I think there's something else going on here, and Sondirra's way too willing to take what's said to her at face value sometimes." My wonderful, open-hearted, open-handed bondmate, so willing to let bygones be bygones.
"And you think that if she does take him at face value, she is going to get hurt?"
I raised my head. "Very much so. I mostly think he's trying to get into her pants, and once he gets what he wants, he's going to make her life miserable."
"And how, pray tell, is he going to make her life miserable?"
I thought about everything I'd ever wanted to do to Jordan, every little bit of devious plan I'd ever had to destroy his soul without ever harming a hair on his head. "There are worse things you can do to someone than physically beating them. Get them to fall for you, then convince them slowly that they're without value, that you can do whatever you want to them and they can't stop you."
"And you think Jordan is going to do this to her? Does she do this a lot? Get together with people that hurt her?"
I blinked. Why did it seem like Paquita was defending Jordan? "She doesn't, but....this is Jordan. He's a bully through and through. Always has been. And Sondirra's sort of liked him for a long time, even though he was awful to her."
"Are you absolutely sure? Why don't you believe he can change? Because you can't? You have him pegged and now he is becoming the square peg in the round hole and he won't fit?" she asked, her voice low.
My tail lashed. "Have you ever seen someone who was out and out nasty suddenly deciding one day to change? Because I haven't. Besides, there are some things that shouldn't be forgiven."
"I have seen someone change, several someones. What did he do that was so horrible? He obviously didn't kill her."
I hissed, remembering. "You should see the scars she has from him. One of the last times was one of the worst. He gave her a wound in her leg that, if it hadn't been caught by the clerics right away, would have meant she'd have needed to use a cane to walk for the rest of her life. And he was always just...nasty. Insulting her. Calling her names. I could never figure out why it didn't bother her more."
Paquita blinked her gold eyes at me, and then said slowly, "I have read your files. Did you know it was Jordan that ran over two miles to get the cleric to heal Sondirra?"
"And? He knew he what the penalty would have been for crippling a classmate." Contemptuous, I added, "He just wanted to save his own hide."
"Then why was he caught every morning in the infirmary, sitting by her bed, holding her hand while she slept?"
I jerked my head upward in surprise, spreading my wings. "He what?"
"It's in his file. He was tossed out of the room every morning by the head cleric at #2."
I shook my head. "All right, that's....really strange. Why would he have done that?"
Paquita narrowed her eyes. "Because he cares for her. More than you think."
No. No, no... "Sondirra...told me that the reason he was so awful was because he hated feeling what he did for her. But...no. I can't believe it. I don't want him to care about her." I paused, listening to myself. I sounded like a whiny dragonet. I dipped my head. "That sounded childish, didn't it?"
"Yes, yes it did. What more evidence do you need? He gave Dillon a direct order to take care of Sondirra when she went into shock over her eye." She fixed me with a stern glare, and reflexively, I brought my wings forward. "He saw you fall in the fight with Kane and saved you both, plus got Kane. And Cowan just told me he turned over his sword to you."
Word about that was spreading, was it? Well, when she put it like that... "Do people really change like this? So suddenly?"
"Oberan did."
I tilted my head. "Harbin mentioned something about that, once."
She nodded. "Oberan was the cockiest person to come out of #2 in awhile. It's true he was good, and we were some of the best. But he killed his wife and lost some of his team. Good friends all. I have never seen a man change so suddenly."
The weight of what Paquita was telling me was starting to bend my resolve, and I tried to fight it. "I guess they do, then, since I've seen the result." I looked away, flushed cold, but brought up the words from the darkest corner of my reluctant heart. "When I nearly hurt Sondirra before it was because she asked me what I was afraid of."
"And what are you afraid of? Jordan hurting her--or you losing her?"
It took me a while to respond. "Losing her. To him. To anyone. To death."
Paquita raised her wings slightly. "You are bonded for life, Palil. I am scared of losing Cowan to death as well, but to another person--no. We are stuck with each other. No matter how many lovers, wives, children he could have. I will still be the one in his head."
"I've seen a lot of the ways a bond can go bad, though. Just because you're bonded to someone, doesn't mean you have to like them. She's the only person I've ever loved, and the only person I know for sure loves me."
"It's no doubt bonds can go bad, and some really bad. But I don't think you will be one of them. You have a strong bond and you are a lot alike. You are bound to disagree sometimes." She stretched out one clawed hand in the snow, raked the icy crust restlessly. "It's how you make up that will set you apart from the bad bonds. If you get angry and let it grow, you may end up that way. If you take the time to see her side and let her make her own decisions good or bad, you won't."
I thought about it, then said, in a voice that hesitated more than I thought it should have, "I suppose...I should trust her, shouldn't I? Just because she always jumps in with both feet and without looking doesn't mean she's wrong. I'm always surprised how often she's right."
"Instinct. She has it." Paquita tilted her head, shaking out her wings. "No one said you have to like him or even trust him. Just let her try. And if he hurts her, or you are right in the end, I can have him shipped Chelyabinsk for permanent assignment." Her voice was just a little bit smug. "Fifty years from now he will be dead. And two hundred from now you will say, Jordan, oh yeah I remember him."
It was a good point. "True. He is human, after all."
"Yes, he is. I feel sorrier for Gannon. He will be alone in fifty years. Knowing what it was like once, but never again."
I thought about the loneliness, about the dark fear of Sondirra dying and leaving me alone. What would it be like, to know for certain that my bond was going to be just an eyeblink at the beginning of my life? To love, knowing that you were going to have to live without them for most of your life? "And all the dragons who bond with humans. There are days when I think the people who say humans should be kept away from the hatching grounds are right, at least in part."
"Sometimes I have to agree, but I have talked to many dragons that will disagree with you. Too many say they wouldn't have done it differently."
I curled my tail around myself. "Better to have loved and lost, eh?"
Paquita nodded. "So they say. So let Sondirra love and lose, if that is her choice. But for now all she wants is another friend. That too much to ask?"
The problem with Paquita was that she was way too reasonable. I sighed. "No....no, it's not, really. I don't know if I'll ever forgive him. But I'll trust Sondirra."
"You don't have to forgive him. You don't have to like him. You just have to trust Sondirra. And if you are right you can be smug and tell me I told you so."
I bared my teeth just slightly. "And if I'm right, there's always Chelyabinsk."
Paquita chuckled. "Yep, I promise I will send him there the moment he does something funny." She cocked her head at me. "You sound like she is going to rush out, dump Oberan and bear Jordan's children."
"Well, not right away." How could I explain this? How could I explain the web I'd seen the moment I realized that Jordan had feelings for my bondmate, the tumble of events towards a conclusion that was getting more likely? "I can see it coming, though. It might not happen, it's not going to happen exactly like that, but...Jordan and Sondirra are a lot alike, in some ways. More alike than Oberan and she are," I admitted, reluctantly.
"And it's true, since the death of his wife, Oberan has had trouble with relationships. He's a bit distant."
"I've seen that. It's not bothering Sondirra now, but I'm afraid it's going to. Sondirra does everything with her whole heart. Having someone hold back with her frustrates her sometimes."
Paquita nodded. "And it might break them up. But remember again, Oberan is just getting over that death. They may come back together again in two hundred years."
"True. Sondirra and I are both very, very young, yet," I said. Twelve years was nothing. A breath. A heartbeat. An eyeblink. "With luck, there will be time."
"Yes and if Jordan some day becomes her lover, it will probably just be a blip in her lifetime. Nothing more than a story to tell a millennium from now."
I tried to imagine the two of us a thousand years from now, sitting in an inn somewhere, laughing as we reminisced. "The amusing story of how it turned out that the class bully was really in love with her all along."
"Yes, and probably nothing more. Unless you get a bunch of half drow running around, but that's just too weird to contemplate."
I laughed then, and was surprised to find myself capable of doing so. "We met a half-drow once, but he was actually half-elf, half-drow, I think. But, yes, that's a really bizarre thought."
Paquita's expression suddenly sobered, her wings dropping back, looking at me. "And don't give him the sword back until you really mean it. That way, he knows where he stands at all times. If you give it back, be prepared to accept him as part of your family."
My family? Jordan, as part of my family? I tried to imagine it. "I won't, and I'll keep it in mind. I don't know if I ever will. Then again, I didn't think there was any way anyone was going to be able to talk me into even giving him a chance."
"You are doing it for Sondirra, not him." She gave me a sudden, canny look. "Do you feel the same way about Gannon?"
I blinked. "No, of course not! Gannon's not bad at all. I feel kind of sorry for him for having picked a bond like Jordan, but I never blamed him for any of what happened. "
"Why?" she asked, quietly.
"Because he never did anything. He was never the one mouthing off or going after Sondirra. He couldn't control what Jordan was doing."
"But he is his bond. He should have known even before Jordan did anything. Why the double standard?"
I'd never tried to reason this out, really, and I struggled with it, going over the past in my mind. "He probably did, but what could he have done, except maybe sit on Jordan until he wore himself out?"
"True but still it went on. Jordan bullied his own bond?"
Well, I supposed it was possible, but... "I never really thought about it. Gannon always sort of faded into the background around Jordan. Are you trying to tell me that Gannon was an active participant in Jordan's behavior?"
She shook her head. "No, just wondering why you hate Jordan so much but lay nothing on Gannon, the dragon. You nearly threw Sondirra through a wall. Gannon can easily do the same. He is a red after all. Second only in strength to me." She bared her teeth briefly, her wings dropping in a smile. "Why didn't he stop him?"
"That's actually a very good question. Gannon probably could have, if he'd really wanted to. I suppose I never thought about it. Gannon and I aren't friends, really, but we're not unfriendly either. And, well, he's one of us. He mostly stayed in the background, when we were growing up." What was Paquita getting at, here?
"So because he is a dragon he gets the benefit of the doubt, or did Gannon know something that you didn't? Because he is Jordan's bond."
"He...must have known how Jordan felt about Sondirra," I said, kicking myself for not thinking about it sooner. Of course Gannon knew.
"Hmmm imagine that," Paquita said, smug.
I snorted at her. "And he let it continue because he knew that it likely wouldn't end up that Jordan actually killed her?"
"Or hoped it would sort itself out and they would become friends or more. Did you ever consider talking to Gannon about it?"
I nodded. "Once or twice, actually, when we got older. Actually, I tried to a couple of times. He was never around when I went looking for him..." I blinked. "...and I'm starting to wonder why, exactly, that was."
"Why don't you find out? MI is all about the talking."
I stared at her. "You think I should go talk to Gannon about it?"
She smoothed down the whiskers on her muzzle with one clawed hand. "Don't you? He would give you a better understanding of Jordan than I can or even Sondirra."
Paquita was often irritatingly right. She was so good-natured that it was impossible to resent her for it, though. "It's probably a good idea. I don't really want to do it, but I know I should, and that's enough to make me go do it."
She spread her wings and laughed. "Good, glad you thought of it. Now go and get all the facts before you do something stupid."
I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Mom."
"That's Colonel Mom to you," she said.
"All right, all right, I'll get my butt moving." I got to my feet, shaking out my legs and tail. Up close, the size difference between Paquita and I was startling; she was over twice my size.
She extended a wing and brushed the top of my head. "It will be all right, Palil, don't worry about it so much."
I nodded. "It's my job to worry. But I'll keep it in mind." Then I turned, crouched, and leaped out and away from the ridge, diving for a few seconds to gain speed then spreading my wings to catch the wind coming up the ride.
I thought about what I was going to say to Gannon all the way back to Khatanga. I clicked my teeth together, thinking, but in the end decided to start with a question and see where it went from there.
I got down, changed, and found some clothing to put on. Gannon was in the room he and Jordan were sharing, and, thankfully, alone. "Could I talk to you?" I asked.
He gestured at a chair. "Yes, Captain?"
"I'm here as me, not in my official role. You can speak freely. Look, I've had Sondirra tell me all sorts of things about Jordan recently. I was hoping you could tell me more." I added, ruefully, "And, no, I'm not out after revenge."
I'd startled him, and he frowned. He looked tired, Gannon did. Like he was carrying something very heavy he had no hope of putting down any time soon. His human form sort of drooped, and his wasn't the sort of frame that usually drooped well. "That's good to know. What do you want to know?"
Well, it was useless beating around the bush. "Why didn't you ever stop Jordan, when he was being such a bully? Or do anything, really?"
He jaw tightened. "It's not going to be what you want to hear, I don't think."
I made a helpless gesture. "I've gotten a lot of practice today hearing things I didn't want to hear."
There was something familiar about how he was holding himself. He was...not afraid of me, I realized, but braced for the possibility that I was going to take a violent dislike to what he was about to tell me. It bothered me that I saw it in him, and it especially bothered me that it was familiar. What have I been doing to the people around me? I wondered.
He voice was slow, when he found it. "I did stop Jordan a great many times, just not with Sondirra. Every time, though, that he fought with Sondirra I turned him in to Yuri. He has scars on his back from the times he was whipped because of that."
Scars? I thought. And then-- "Why didn't you stop him with Sondirra?"
"Because I hoped that he would make Sondirra hate him."
I pressed, "All right, why did you want Sondirra to hate him?"
"I didn't want them to get together." His words were coming more reluctantly, now, and I could tell I was getting close to something that very much did not want to tell me.
Slightly exasperated, I said, "I'm still missing a why here, Gannon."
He looked at the floor. "Because Jordan loves her, more than I can take."
"...oh. He's obsessed?"
Gannon looked up, and there was pain written on his features. "No. He loves her more than he does his bond. I didn't want to be second."
"I...know the feeling." That horrible, cold, empty fear, that someone would ever come before me in my bond's life. "I'm sorry."
"So I let him, I sometimes encouraged him." I blinked. He had...egged Jordan on? "I'm sorry for that, Palil."
I looked at the red dragon sitting across from me, and thought briefly about getting angry. Maybe I would have, if that confession had come any sooner in the day. As it was, I just felt a tremendous sadness. So much pain, so much fear, on all sides. "Well, in some ways I'd probably be happier now if it'd worked. But it didn't. Sondirra refused to hate him, even when I did."
"Me, too. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Sondirra. Just what she stands for to Jordan."
I gave him a smile that I tried to make comforting but I'm pretty sure just came out tired. "Well, no matter what happens...you're his bondmate, not her. You're the one in his head. So someone wiser than I am told me recently."
"I know, but sometimes it doesn't feel like that."
"Have you talked to him about it?" I asked.
Gannon nodded. "Oddly, we have. And he feels he has no chance with Sondirra. He hates what he did. He is just asking for some time to get over her." He gave me a sharp look. "I think differently, and so do you. Don't you?"
I nodded. "Yes, I do. It's why I reacted badly when she tried to tell me he'd changed."
"He has and hasn't changed. What you see now is Jordan. The real one. That which was, never was him."
Softly, I said, "Coming from you....I guess I have to believe it." I turned in my chair and tucked one knee up against my chest.
"Hard to imagine, isn't it?"
"Incredibly. I guess, in a way, it might make it easier for me, though. If the person I hated so badly was just an illusion, a front."
"Well, it's hard for me to imagine the ice queen, no offense, would talk to me about how she was feeling, or me answering her. We all change." Gannon had a hesitant smile on his lips.
"I guess we do. Even me."
"He isn't bad. But I can understand if you don't want to give him a chance. He has earned your contempt."
I took a long breath. "I honestly don't know right now, Gannon. For the moment, I'm trusting Sondirra's judgment. Her intuition is very good. We'll see what happens. This might get rough for both of us. Look...if you ever need to talk about stuff, I'm here."
"Me too, Palil. We are in the unique situation of having something like this in common." He smiled again, and this time it was much less tentative. "And if this goes where I think, we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other. 'Tis best to be friends."
"I think so." I sighed. "All right. I need to go find my bond, and apologize to her."
"Don't be too hard on yourself, Palil. Go. I passed to Jordan that you were back, and he says Sondirra took off as soon as he told her, so she should be waiting for you."
"They were together?" I asked.
Gannon nodded. "Went out for a drink and to do some talking. Though 'talking' appears to have consisted of telling slightly exaggerated stories about their respective first six months in the military." He gave me an amused glance. "Unless Sondirra wasn't kidding about the chainmail bikinis."
"Actually, she wasn't. At all." I grinned. "All right. See you later." Gannon raised has hand and waved, and I was off, heading down to my own room.
Before I reached the door, I paused, and tentatively reached out with my mind. Sondirra?
To my enormous relief, Sondirra said back, Palil... Hesitant, she then sent, Can we talk?
I opened the door. My bond was sitting on the bed, looking at me with a strange expression in her eyes, happiness and trepidation and stubbornness. "Sondirra..." I started, then trailed off. I felt choked by everything I wanted to say, needed to say. "Sondirra, love, I am so sorry. I'm an idiot, and I reacted all out of proportion. I..." Words failed me.
Fortunately, Sondirra did not. She crossed the room then, threw her arms around me, hugged me tight. "It's okay," she said. "I forgive you. I tried to push too hard, too soon. I knew you had a grudge against Jordan, and I forgot how bloody stubborn you can be. We both can be."
"I still overreacted." I loosed myself from her, sat down on the bed, and she dropped down beside me. "I had Paquita talk to me about it."
"Did she? I'd hoped so, when Beamer said she'd followed you. What did she say?"
I gave my bond a rueful smile. "A lot of things. Including reminding me of the fact that even though you tend you jump into things without looking, you generally land well. You have good instincts, especially for people. I trust your judgment."
She put her arm around my shoulder. I continued, "She also told me a few things about Jordan that I didn't know. And...she made me admit what exactly I was afraid of."
"What?"
"Losing you," I said. "Love, you have no idea how much the prospect of you being gone, or of no longer being the most important person in your life, scares me. Jordan scares me, because of that."
She looked confused. "You think he's some kind of threat to our bond?"
"I wasn't thinking, that was the whole problem. You are I are stuck with each other. No matter who else is in our lives, we always have that."
She chuckled and gave me an affectionate hug. "Palil, you'll always be my main girl. No matter what. So...are you going to give Jordan a chance, maybe?"
"Paquita convinced me that this might be a real change. Or...not so much a change. A dropping of a person he wasn't. Gannon said about the same thing. I'm not very good at forgiveness, Sondirra. But I'll keep my eyes open and try not to judge him for the person he was back then. I may not succeed. I'll keep his sword until I know for sure, and then I'll decide what to do with it."
Sondirra looked surprised. "Wow, what did Paquita say to you? That's a lot farther than I thought anyone would get with you."
"A lot of things. But.." I paused. Should I tell her this? It might only hasten the inevitable. Yes. Learn from her example. Open your hands. "She's seen the records from our training days. That time he gave you the leg wound, we knew Jordan ran for help, a couple of miles in record time. But I didn't know that he got caught in your room every single morning you were in the infirmary by the morning cleric rotation. He was sitting by you and holding your hand while you slept."
She made a soft noise, a breath inward. "They wouldn't let you in, you were too big for the rooms. I thought I was going to die of all the lonely."
"I know. Jordan was doing what he could to keep you company. I don't know if I'll ever like him, or trust him. But...I'll try to give him a chance. You being friends with him might be good for him--for both of you. I talked about a few things with Gannon, as well." I wouldn't tell her about what he'd said, about her being more important to Jordan than his own bondmate was. "He and I got a few things clear between us."
Sondirra smiled. "Palil, I'm glad. I'm proud of you."
I looked at her, my wonderful bond, the only person in the world I loved, my light. A woman who threw her whole being into whatever she did, who fought like she was dancing, who danced like it was the only thing that mattered. The most remarkably forgiving person I'd ever known.
About then, I realized I was crying. Sondirra pulled me into her arms, whispering, "Sssh, Palil, it's all right. My brave girl. My dark angel, my brilliant and wise winged love. I will always, always love you. Always, always, always."
Accompanying her words was a love and joy so pure it was painful, and the realization that when I'd almost hurt her earlier today, so sick with terror that I'd lashed out at her, she hadn't been afraid for herself, but for me. Afraid of what I'd do to myself if I hurt her, or even killed her. If I'd lost control for just a split second longer, if I'd used my full strength against her--
"But you didn't," she said, resting her cheek on the top of my head. "You heard me when I yelled. You heard me and you pulled yourself out of your fear long enough to recognize what was happening and realize that we both needed to calm down. I don't think it'll happen again, Palil. I really don't."
"If I hurt you--" I choked.
"You won't," she said. "You never hurt me, even when you were three days old and about as graceful as a drunk ox. You're not going to start now." She was absolutely certain, and I wrapped myself in that certainty.
"Thank you," I murmured. I opened my eyes, and realized that the moon was setting. "Sondirra? Weren't you supposed to go spend the night with Oberan?"
"I told Cowan to tell him that I needed to work something out with you. Paquita will probably fill him in. He won't mind. Where was Olin, tonight?"
"He probably heard about us fighting and assumed I would be either busy or not fit company tonight. We should probably get some sleep, though. Want to come up to the mountains with me?"
"Sure, let me grab a couple of blankets."
So we ended up in a sheltered valley above Khatanga, curled up together like we had when we were younger, under the stars. I almost could have sworn I saw a huge shape blotting out the stars once or twice--Chaim out hunting, or on patrol, I thought.
I curled a little tighter around my sleeping, blanket-wrapped bond. I will always have this. No matter what happens in the future. I will have the memory of this.
Then I slept, as well.
