Tiamat's Kittens: Where There's Ruin
Aug. 16th, 2006 08:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aithne[I was not expecting to write this. It was supposed to be about ten paragraphs that was going to close out the recap. Once I got into it, I realized that Gannon was irritable and seriously wanting to speak his mind to Palil, and I was finally like, "Okay, go for it, she needs a good talking-to, and you're the only one who's going to give her this particular come-to-jesus speech." And then a couple of suggestions from Storm made things suddenly go where I really wasn't expecting them to. Poor Palil. What she really needs is some therapy, but I don't think there are dragon therapists. There probably ought to be, though.]
5/10/978
Palil:
I was listening to names as the portal spoke, making notes as I heard ones that I might want to bring out. My mind wandered, off thinking about all of the things we'd learned today.
Dragons could re-bond. I wondered how Gannon felt about that, if it made Jordan's short lifespan any easier for him. It didn't really make the thought of Sondirra dying any easier for me. If she died, I could bond again, but it wouldn't be her. I didn't know if I'd make the choice to bond once more.
Knowing this, I wondered if he would still choose to share his lifespan with Jordan. Perhaps my current dilemma was moot? Was I even that lucky? I sighed and stopped the portal, telling it we would pick up with the list later, and went to find Gannon.
He was under the same tree that he had been, watching what was going on around him without comment. He looked up as I approached. "I'm given to understand that you told Sondirra that under no circumstances am I to do anything other than take life easy for the moment."
"That wasn't what I said, exactly. Not too far off, though." I settled down next to him. "Forgive me the mother-henning. I've been worried about you."
"I'm not complaining. I was planning on skipping eating today, I'm not sure I could manage to make a kill today, anyway. I'm feeling very stiff. Haven claims it'll be better tomorrow, that I just overdid it too soon after getting nearly killed several times over."
"I can imagine. Want to go for a walk with me? Change into our small forms, go exploring a bit? Nothing too strenuous."
He smiled. "Sure. Let me go get changed."
We met up after changing and putting some clothes on, and started walking. Once we were out of sight of the rest, Gannon asked, "So what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"
"That transparent, am I?" I made a face. "Look. Gannon." I fumbled for words. "Knowing that you can re-bond after your bond dies--does that make any difference to your feelings about doing the lifespan transfer?"
He shook his head. "No. I would still give up my life to give Jordan more. Jordan, unfortunately, is being stubborn."
I looked away from him. I was close enough to feel the heat radiating off of him. "There is something else I learned today," I said in a low voice.
"And that is?"
"More than one person can participate in the lifespan transfer. It doesn't have to be a bonded pair. It doesn't even have to be a dragon, any long-lived race will do."
I heard him take a shocked breath. "You think Sondirra--"
"Will jump in with both feet. As usual. And she'll probably talk him into it, too."
Gannon chuckled low. "I think she may be the only person on earth that could."
"With three in the transfer, it will take about three and a half centuries from both of you. With four--two centuries and a bit."
He looked at me sharply. "You're not thinking of going in on this, are you?"
I folded my arms. "It's better than the prospect of living without Sondirra for more than a quarter of my life."
"You'd be doing it for her. Not Jordan."
"And you. I would be giving you more time, as well."
"You'd be doing it for everyone but Jordan." His voice was still low, but it was tinged with heat. "All right, Palil. I'm going to say some stuff to you, and it's going to piss you off. If you hate me afterwards, well, you hate me. But someone's got to stand up and give you a shove, because all the little gods know you're not figuring it out for yourself." He took a breath. "In the end, you don't want to participate in the lifespan transfer to help either me or Sondirra. You want to because you are terrified of ending up alone, Palil. It's a very selfish reason for wanting to do something nice for someone."
If I'd been in my large form, my tail would have been lashing. "But--"
He cut me off. "You're jealous of Sondirra, that she has someone and you don't. You've made everything about you, Palil. You are trying to keep your bond from living her own life, learning her own lessons, because you want to be the absolute center of her life. I hate to tell you this, Palil, but you're not. You were, once, like we all were once. But she has other friends now, and someone that I know that you know she loves and who makes her happy. And all you've done ever since you found out is to try to put obstacles in her path. Gods know I'm not exactly happy with it, but I'm trying to get over it. You're still trying to polish your scales, never noticing that you're falling out of the sky! Never noticing the careful path that Sondirra has to walk because of your issues. Never noticing that you're hurting her feelings every single day. Don't talk to me about selflessness, Palil. In some ways, you're the most selfish person I've ever known."
"Unfair!" I howled. "I've been trying, you know I've been trying--"
"Life's not fair, princess. You've been trying, but you've been falling far short."
There were tears blurring my vision, and the world was washed with red and violet. No, no, no no no NO--
I was changing to full form before I even knew it, Gannon responding with his own change. My tail was lashing, my wings spread, and as soon as I could move I lunged for Gannon, snapping at him. He was moving slowly. Wounded, the bloodlust and rage sang in me. Easy kill.
Sondirra:
I was eating, sitting next to Jordan, when I felt the first wave of rage from Palil. I reached for her, but all I got was anger, more anger, something about Gannon--
Jordan dropped his bowl. "Gannon says Palil's attacked him--"
We looked at each other and started running. They had left together in small form, they couldn't be far. Jordan turned on the speed and was out of sight in seconds, leaving me to catch up.
Palil, Palil, what are you doing, PALIL!
No answer.
Palil:
I hit Gannon, sending him flying. I saw him land, struggle to get back to his feet, his wings spread. I braced myself for another attack, and then--
Another target. Smaller. More tempting. Right in front of me.
"Jordan," I snarled. "Nice of you to join us."
He just looked at me. Completely calm. "You want to hit someone, Palil? Hit me. After all, you've been wanting to for years. Go ahead, give it your best shot."
I completely forgot about Gannon, the bloodlust focused on Jordan. I pinned back my wings and went for the attack.
He was there, and then he was not. He was so fast! I found him, attacked, lost him, attacked again. The third blow, he stopped my claw mid-swing, just--taking it.
Someone so small should not be able to frustrate me so! I snarled and threw myself at him.
Sondirra:
My heart just about stopped when I got to the meadow where Palil, Jordan, and Gannon were. The thing I'd prayed would never happen was happening. Palil was attacking Jordan, completely unreachable with rage, her wings flushed with bloodlust. Jordan was--not attacking. He was evading her, blocking her, keeping her away from Gannon, who was trying to get away without moving too quickly and attracting Palil's attention.
Possible outcomes flashed in my head--Jordan killing Palil, Palil killing Jordan.
I had to do something. If Palil could see me, maybe that would shake her out of the rage--
I ran forward.
Palil:
There was something else small out here. It moved more slowly than the one that was frustrating me. It was more vulnerable. There was something about it, some voice in the back of my head, but the bloodlust was howling and I couldn't hear, couldn't see anything but something to kill.
This one, this one I could kill. It would be easy.
I turned, body fluidly following head, and stretched into an attack.
Sondirra:
I knew I'd made a mistake when Palil came around and instead of recognizing me, she dropped open her mouth, showing rows of razor teeth. She was too far gone in bloodlust to tell friend from foe.
Somewhere, in the back of my mind, a small voice whispered, I am about to die at the claws of my bondmate.
I had no weapons with me, was wearing no armor.
All I had was a prayer.
Palil:
Easy, so easy. Commit the claws to the attack, the body following the claws, ready to rake from stem to stern. The small thing moved so slowly. I thought it was trying to run away.
Yes, yes, yes--
Impact.
Not the impact I was expecting--
The other one, the fast one, was standing there. One of his paws was braced against each of my clawed hands. Behind him, the other small thing was lying, tumbled to the ground, just out of reach. Her face was wet, and she was making noises that made no sense.
Were they supposed to make sense?
Dimly, I fumbled towards something just out of reach in my mind.
Sondirra.
That was Sondirra who I'd just almost killed.
The world snapped painfully back into place, and I screamed, throwing myself back from Jordan, who had saved Sondirra from me. I folded myself into my small form, forgetting dignity, forgetting everything except for the fact that I had just tried to kill the one person in the world that meant the most to me. And that I'd attacked a friend, someone who had been telling me a hard set of truths.
And that Jordan had stepped in, deflected me from Gannon, protected Sondirra from me, and had simply stood there and dodged or taken my blows. He had not attacked. He'd even had a sword that he hadn't drawn. If he'd wanted me out of Sondirra's life--
I remembered the temple doors. He could have killed me, if he'd wanted.
There were hands on my shoulders. Familiar warm hands, Sondirra's. She gathered me to her, stroking my hair, and I realized that I was sobbing like a child. She was crying too, tears warm in my hair. I love you, Palil, she said, over and over again, silently. I love you. Dear god, I was so scared--
I clung to her, for a long minute or three completely wordless. Then my hand sought hers and squeezed gently. I believe you now, Sondirra. I really do.
She stilled. What do you mean?
Can I borrow your coat?
She wriggled out of it, and draped it over my shoulders. I pulled it around me, then stood.
Gannon was standing nearby, Jordan leaning against his front leg. I bit my lip and looked down at the ground, gathering my courage. A long breath later, I looked up.
"I owe all of you a huge apology," I started, then faltered. I pulled the coat more tightly around me. "Gannon, you were right. Everything you said was pretty much true. I got angry because it was true, and I shouldn't have. Sondirra..." I turned to my beloved bondmate, still crouched, tears in her eyes. "I nearly killed you just now. I let my rage get the better of me, and if Jordan hadn't been there you would be short one life right now." I turned back towards Gannon and Jordan, and let my eyes meet Jordan's. "I had two people I care about immensely trying to tell me that you'd changed, but I wouldn't let you. In my mind, you were still the boy who hurt Sondirra so badly. That boy wouldn't have held back with me when I attacked him. He would likely have killed me. I blinded myself to how you'd changed. Thank you for saving Sondirra's life. And mine. I'm sorry I've been so mean to you." I took a breath. No one moved. "I have something--someone--that belongs to you. Feel free to come get it whenever you think you can forgive me."
With that, I turned and walked away, back towards the camp. There were tears in my eyes, and I had Sondirra's coat clutched around me as if it were a lifeline. I felt very fragile just then, as if the slightest breeze would cause me to fall into dust.
I don't think I'd ever felt so much like a miserable failure at my personal life as in that moment. I didn't think Sondirra hated me. But if I were Gannon and Jordan, I wouldn't like me very much right now. Or ever, really. I was mildly surprised that Gannon had ever wanted to be my friend in the first place, given what he'd said to me today.
All I really wanted right now was to fly so high that I could scarcely breathe the air or keep myself aloft, let the thin wind blow through me and the sun to burn out the grief and the loneliness in me.
I would have to content myself with throwing myself into work.
Sondirra:
"What did you say to her?" I asked Gannon. "I've seen her mad like that maybe three times in her life."
He shrugged his wings uncomfortably. "I pointed out to her that she was acting like a child that didn't want to share her toys. I'm not at my best at the moment. She was irritating me, and I wasn't as diplomatic as I'd liked to have been." He drew his wings in close to his body. "I thought she might hate me afterwards. I didn't know she'd go mad with rage. She's always gone cold with anger when I've seen her get angry."
"Congratulations. She only gets angry like that with people she really cares about, who've gotten under her skin," I said, a bit angry myself. I reminded myself that this really wasn't Gannon's fault, and took a breath. "Look, I'm sorry. She really did mean what she said to all three of us. I'm just not looking forward to the process of helping her put herself back together." I looked at Jordan. "She was teetering on the edge of accepting you. Between the three of us, we just pushed her over, and I don't think she'll go back."
He stepped over to me and folded me in his arms. I breathed in his scent, familiar warm musk, and was profoundly grateful that I was alive right now. "I'm sorry that it took what it did," Jordan said. "I think finally battling it out with me maybe helped her move past it."
I nodded. "Right now, I'm just glad everyone's still alive. I was so scared when I saw you and Palil fighting. Can't say that running into the middle of that battle was my brightest moment."
"It was a pretty natural response, I think."
"If I'd bothered to either check her emotional state and realize how far gone she was, or to look and see that you were trying not to hurt her, I would have let her wear herself out by trying to hit you. At least, I assume that was the plan."
Jordan tightened his arms around me. "I know you're afraid that one of us is going to kill the other, one of these days. I can't make any guarantees for Palil. But I won't hurt her. I love you too much to ever hurt her. You'd never forgive me. I will let her kill me before I'll hurt her, but I hope she never forces me to make that choice."
"Me, too." I raised my head and kissed him, gently. "I need to go take care of her."
"Would you tell Palil that I'm sorry?" Gannon asked. "I meant what I said, but I could have said it in a much gentler way."
I loosed myself from Jordan's arms. "You should tell her yourself. I'm sure she thinks you hate her right about now. Are you all right, by the way?"
"She got in one good hit, but I'm just bruised. I'll have Haven check me out, but I think I'm all right."
"Good. I'm going to go find Palil, then. I'll see you guys back at the camp." I took off, walking unerringly towards where I felt my bondmate.
She was sitting on a fallen log, crouched in on herself, my coat clutched around her shoulders. I sent out a tentative tendril towards her. Hey.
Palil didn't stir, but I could feel her attention turn towards me. She looked so small, huddled there. Her voice was quiet. "I keep messing up, don't I? I thought I'd go back to camp, but I keep crying, and that's about the last thing I need everyone to see right now."
I swung up on the log next to her. "Yeah, you messed up. So did I, honestly. I know you. I should have known you were to the point where you wouldn't even know me. You're a white dragon. That temper of yours comes with the territory. I don't think you'll do it again."
"That's what you said the last time this happened," she said, bitterness in her voice. "And you'll probably say it again next time. You're the one person in the world I shouldn't ever be dangerous to. Dear Karop, this temper of mine. I never used to have such a problem controlling it."
"You also never used to have to worry about the problems of the world landing at your feet. Or have to deal with me loving someone not you. Or deal with the fact that you're sort of falling in love with someone not a white dragon," I pointed out, gently.
She raised her head and gave me a long look. "All...true, yes," she admitted. "That still doesn't make it any less dangerous."
I thought of something. Did I dare suggest it? Well, I should. "You should ask Jordan. He's got a lot of experience controlling his temper, and he knows the danger of losing control for even a second. Maybe he could give you some advice."
Palil dropped her chin to her knees again. "I should. If he ever speaks to me again." She sighed. "I can't believe I attacked Gannon. I'd been worrying over him not ten minutes before. He's probably never going to speak to me again either."
"Oh, Palil!" I leaned over and put an arm around her shoulders. They were deceptively thin and fragile-seeming. I held her, impressed that she had taken my suggestion to talk to Jordan about her temper without a trace of resentment or anger. "I'm pretty sure he doesn't hate you. He seemed really shaken, but he didn't come to much harm. I think it'll take more than that to permanently damage your friendship. Or whatever it is that's going on between the two of you. What were you talking about that got all this started, anyway?"
She bit her lip. "I talked to Chaim earlier. Remember the lifespan transfer potions? He asked me how many people would be participating in the transfer. Turns out that it's not just limited to bondmates. Any of the longer-lived races can participate. Elves. Drow. The more people in the transfer, the less it takes from each person."
"That means..." I blinked. "If I joined the transfer, I could extend both Jordan's and Gannon's lives."
"By centuries." There was sorrow in her voice. "That's exactly what I thought you would say. So I was talking to Gannon about the possibility of me joining the transfer, to give you and Gannon some extra years, and to limit my lifespan to be the same as yours. Gannon pointed out that my real reasons weren't to help him, or even you. They were because I'm terrified of spending a quarter of my lifespan alone. He told me I was being selfish, among other things. And the worst part is that he was right. I didn't want to help Jordan. I wanted to limit my own pain."
I could hardly think of what to say to her. "Palil, I..." I took a deep breath. "I can see why you were upset. That sounds like it hit bone. Gannon knows you a little too well for your comfort, doesn't he?" She nodded miserably. "I think," I said, carefully, "I think it maybe needed saying, though."
"I know it did, that's the worst part. Still..." She looked at me, and her heart was in her eyes. "I'm not sure how long I will survive you by. I don't know if I could handle you actually being gone. Maybe I could. I guess I won't know until I get there."
I chuckled. "Love, love, I haven't even decided if I want to do this. It's a huge step, and it ties me to Jordan for the rest of my life. Please, don't go borrowing trouble until it gets here." I tightened my arm around her shoulders, and she leaned into me. "All right. I don't hate you, I'm pretty sure Jordan doesn't hate you, and I think Gannon's kind of mad at the moment but it'll pass. Can you face everyone at the moment? We do have work to do. The world won't wait for us to get our personal stuff straightened out, much as we'd like it to."
"I know." She took a long breath, wiped her eyes and nose on my coat sleeve, and uncurled from her crouched position. "I'm all right. We need to talk to Orion. See if he can help us track down Penn. And I--" She paused. "Sondirra, do you think you can handle talking to Orion for a few minutes?"
I blinked. I am never going to get used to her being able to talk to other people like she does to me. "Um, sure. Why?"
She gave me a half-smile. "That was Gannon. He said he wants to talk to me. I'll try to be brief."
"I'm going to come after you if you're too long," I told her. "I don't like talking to the old ones by myself much."
"Take Jordan with you," she suggested. "Gannon said he's heading back to camp."
"I will." I hugged her again, and hopped down off the log, and headed back towards the camp. The cold feeling I'd had in my gut since the morning had completely disappeared, as if what I'd been braced for had happened.
I didn't know if Palil and Jordan would ever be friends. If I knew my bondmate like I thought I did...today marked the end of most of the resentment, on her part. She would probably backslide at some point. We all did, and jealousy was one of the most pernicious of her weak places. But I thought she'd truly seen that he'd changed, heard what I and Gannon had been trying to tell her.
I just hoped she and Gannon were able to fix things between them...
Palil:
After Sondirra left, I took a moment to compose myself. On my way, I sent to Gannon. I walked a bit north, where he'd told me he would be waiting. He'd found his clothes, it looked like; he'd been wearing one of those outfits that skinning out of is a moment's work, hardly slowing the change down at all. My clothes had not been nearly so fortunate, which is why I was dressed in nothing but my skin and Sondirra's coat.
He was leaning against a tree, and I couldn't read the expression in his eyes. "Gannon--" I said, and my voice failed. I shook my head. "I am so sorry. I don't blame you for being mad at me. I deserve it, and then some." I hesitated. Why had he called me here? To lecture me, or yell at me some more?
He didn't move. Instead, he said, "I'm not angry with you, Palil." Not a flicker of change in his expression.
I looked at him, confused. What was going on here? "What's wrong?"
He shrugged slightly. "What's wrong is that I was damned near killed two days ago, then flew hard for two days, and today I was attacked out of the blue by a certain female dragon of my acquaintance." Finally, a small change in his expression, and I could see now that he was holding himself so still because it hurt to move. "I hurt, Palil. Even my small form's a mass of bruises, not including the ones you just gave me. It makes me irritable. I shouldn't have spoken as harshly to you as I did. The point was well-made, but I should have been far gentler. I should have remembered the burden you're carrying at the moment. I apologize for that."
I spread my hands. "You have nothing to apologize for! I'm just afraid--" I swallowed, and dropped my gaze to the ground. "The way you talked, I thought you didn't want to be my friend any more. I'm sorry I'm not a better person. I'm trying, but like you said, I miss the mark a lot."
"Palil," he said, then hesitated. "I don't want to lose your friendship. The thought hurts worse than the bruises." I raised my eyes, and was shocked at the vulnerable expression on his face. I was suddenly forcefully reminded of how young he was, six months younger than me. How young we both were. "You have your faults. So do we all, I certainly do. It's just--" He winced. "It's hard, to be close to someone who resents your bondmate for existing. I love him. Despite everything, because of everything."
I took a step forward, and then another. "I never thought about it like that," I admitted. "It would have been hard on me, if you were the one who'd hated Sondirra." I reached out my hand. "Still friends, then?"
He chuckled dryly. "I'm not moving from this spot, Palil. You want a handshake, you're going to have to get closer."
I took the last few steps towards him, and took his hand. "I think I'll do you one better," I said, and hugged him, gingerly. "There. Friends?"
He was looking down at me, warmth in his eyes. "Friends. At least."
The moment lasted an eternity. In the end, I decided to be brave. I raised myself on my toes and very gently kissed him on the mouth. Then I ducked my head, and he pulled me a bit closer and rested his chin on the top of my head.
We didn't speak for a few minutes. There honestly didn't seem like there was a whole lot to say. This isn't exactly a good time for this, I finally said silently. But maybe afterwards.
I know, he said. We don't have to sort everything out now.
I let out a soft breath. I do like you, Gannon. A lot more than I probably ought to, considering you're my direct report.
That doesn't seem to bother our bonds, he said, chuckling.
They're both better at compartmentalizing their lives than either of us are, I pointed out. You know when Sondirra's the Major. Her whole demeanor changes. I can't do that, and I think neither can you.
He tightened his arms around me briefly. It's why I don't really have any friends on our team. I know I may have to order them to their deaths some day. I was so glad when you took Elfrida and Lida for a while. I've been worried that I'm going to get Lida killed, since she can't handle the rough stuff like the rest of us.
Well, we can be friends at least, I said. We'll see what happens. I need to be getting back. Can you make it back? You can lean on me, if you want. Or I bet I could carry you.
He chuckled. "I don't think that will be necessary. Leaning on you should work just fine. I do have some pride left. Despite the fact that I keep on getting rescued by my bond."
I laughed and slid under one of his arms. It was slow going getting back, but we made it. Sondirra said, Oh, good, you're back, Orion wants to talk to you.
"Duty calls," I told Gannon, slipping out from under his arm.
"That tree's calling me. I think I'm going to sleep the rest of the afternoon. Wake me up if certain death comes to call again."
"Oh, don't worry, I think you'll hear the screams," I said, teasing. Then I went to join my bond, and see what Orion possibly had for us....
5/10/978
Palil:
I was listening to names as the portal spoke, making notes as I heard ones that I might want to bring out. My mind wandered, off thinking about all of the things we'd learned today.
Dragons could re-bond. I wondered how Gannon felt about that, if it made Jordan's short lifespan any easier for him. It didn't really make the thought of Sondirra dying any easier for me. If she died, I could bond again, but it wouldn't be her. I didn't know if I'd make the choice to bond once more.
Knowing this, I wondered if he would still choose to share his lifespan with Jordan. Perhaps my current dilemma was moot? Was I even that lucky? I sighed and stopped the portal, telling it we would pick up with the list later, and went to find Gannon.
He was under the same tree that he had been, watching what was going on around him without comment. He looked up as I approached. "I'm given to understand that you told Sondirra that under no circumstances am I to do anything other than take life easy for the moment."
"That wasn't what I said, exactly. Not too far off, though." I settled down next to him. "Forgive me the mother-henning. I've been worried about you."
"I'm not complaining. I was planning on skipping eating today, I'm not sure I could manage to make a kill today, anyway. I'm feeling very stiff. Haven claims it'll be better tomorrow, that I just overdid it too soon after getting nearly killed several times over."
"I can imagine. Want to go for a walk with me? Change into our small forms, go exploring a bit? Nothing too strenuous."
He smiled. "Sure. Let me go get changed."
We met up after changing and putting some clothes on, and started walking. Once we were out of sight of the rest, Gannon asked, "So what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"
"That transparent, am I?" I made a face. "Look. Gannon." I fumbled for words. "Knowing that you can re-bond after your bond dies--does that make any difference to your feelings about doing the lifespan transfer?"
He shook his head. "No. I would still give up my life to give Jordan more. Jordan, unfortunately, is being stubborn."
I looked away from him. I was close enough to feel the heat radiating off of him. "There is something else I learned today," I said in a low voice.
"And that is?"
"More than one person can participate in the lifespan transfer. It doesn't have to be a bonded pair. It doesn't even have to be a dragon, any long-lived race will do."
I heard him take a shocked breath. "You think Sondirra--"
"Will jump in with both feet. As usual. And she'll probably talk him into it, too."
Gannon chuckled low. "I think she may be the only person on earth that could."
"With three in the transfer, it will take about three and a half centuries from both of you. With four--two centuries and a bit."
He looked at me sharply. "You're not thinking of going in on this, are you?"
I folded my arms. "It's better than the prospect of living without Sondirra for more than a quarter of my life."
"You'd be doing it for her. Not Jordan."
"And you. I would be giving you more time, as well."
"You'd be doing it for everyone but Jordan." His voice was still low, but it was tinged with heat. "All right, Palil. I'm going to say some stuff to you, and it's going to piss you off. If you hate me afterwards, well, you hate me. But someone's got to stand up and give you a shove, because all the little gods know you're not figuring it out for yourself." He took a breath. "In the end, you don't want to participate in the lifespan transfer to help either me or Sondirra. You want to because you are terrified of ending up alone, Palil. It's a very selfish reason for wanting to do something nice for someone."
If I'd been in my large form, my tail would have been lashing. "But--"
He cut me off. "You're jealous of Sondirra, that she has someone and you don't. You've made everything about you, Palil. You are trying to keep your bond from living her own life, learning her own lessons, because you want to be the absolute center of her life. I hate to tell you this, Palil, but you're not. You were, once, like we all were once. But she has other friends now, and someone that I know that you know she loves and who makes her happy. And all you've done ever since you found out is to try to put obstacles in her path. Gods know I'm not exactly happy with it, but I'm trying to get over it. You're still trying to polish your scales, never noticing that you're falling out of the sky! Never noticing the careful path that Sondirra has to walk because of your issues. Never noticing that you're hurting her feelings every single day. Don't talk to me about selflessness, Palil. In some ways, you're the most selfish person I've ever known."
"Unfair!" I howled. "I've been trying, you know I've been trying--"
"Life's not fair, princess. You've been trying, but you've been falling far short."
There were tears blurring my vision, and the world was washed with red and violet. No, no, no no no NO--
I was changing to full form before I even knew it, Gannon responding with his own change. My tail was lashing, my wings spread, and as soon as I could move I lunged for Gannon, snapping at him. He was moving slowly. Wounded, the bloodlust and rage sang in me. Easy kill.
Sondirra:
I was eating, sitting next to Jordan, when I felt the first wave of rage from Palil. I reached for her, but all I got was anger, more anger, something about Gannon--
Jordan dropped his bowl. "Gannon says Palil's attacked him--"
We looked at each other and started running. They had left together in small form, they couldn't be far. Jordan turned on the speed and was out of sight in seconds, leaving me to catch up.
Palil, Palil, what are you doing, PALIL!
No answer.
Palil:
I hit Gannon, sending him flying. I saw him land, struggle to get back to his feet, his wings spread. I braced myself for another attack, and then--
Another target. Smaller. More tempting. Right in front of me.
"Jordan," I snarled. "Nice of you to join us."
He just looked at me. Completely calm. "You want to hit someone, Palil? Hit me. After all, you've been wanting to for years. Go ahead, give it your best shot."
I completely forgot about Gannon, the bloodlust focused on Jordan. I pinned back my wings and went for the attack.
He was there, and then he was not. He was so fast! I found him, attacked, lost him, attacked again. The third blow, he stopped my claw mid-swing, just--taking it.
Someone so small should not be able to frustrate me so! I snarled and threw myself at him.
Sondirra:
My heart just about stopped when I got to the meadow where Palil, Jordan, and Gannon were. The thing I'd prayed would never happen was happening. Palil was attacking Jordan, completely unreachable with rage, her wings flushed with bloodlust. Jordan was--not attacking. He was evading her, blocking her, keeping her away from Gannon, who was trying to get away without moving too quickly and attracting Palil's attention.
Possible outcomes flashed in my head--Jordan killing Palil, Palil killing Jordan.
I had to do something. If Palil could see me, maybe that would shake her out of the rage--
I ran forward.
Palil:
There was something else small out here. It moved more slowly than the one that was frustrating me. It was more vulnerable. There was something about it, some voice in the back of my head, but the bloodlust was howling and I couldn't hear, couldn't see anything but something to kill.
This one, this one I could kill. It would be easy.
I turned, body fluidly following head, and stretched into an attack.
Sondirra:
I knew I'd made a mistake when Palil came around and instead of recognizing me, she dropped open her mouth, showing rows of razor teeth. She was too far gone in bloodlust to tell friend from foe.
Somewhere, in the back of my mind, a small voice whispered, I am about to die at the claws of my bondmate.
I had no weapons with me, was wearing no armor.
All I had was a prayer.
Palil:
Easy, so easy. Commit the claws to the attack, the body following the claws, ready to rake from stem to stern. The small thing moved so slowly. I thought it was trying to run away.
Yes, yes, yes--
Impact.
Not the impact I was expecting--
The other one, the fast one, was standing there. One of his paws was braced against each of my clawed hands. Behind him, the other small thing was lying, tumbled to the ground, just out of reach. Her face was wet, and she was making noises that made no sense.
Were they supposed to make sense?
Dimly, I fumbled towards something just out of reach in my mind.
Sondirra.
That was Sondirra who I'd just almost killed.
The world snapped painfully back into place, and I screamed, throwing myself back from Jordan, who had saved Sondirra from me. I folded myself into my small form, forgetting dignity, forgetting everything except for the fact that I had just tried to kill the one person in the world that meant the most to me. And that I'd attacked a friend, someone who had been telling me a hard set of truths.
And that Jordan had stepped in, deflected me from Gannon, protected Sondirra from me, and had simply stood there and dodged or taken my blows. He had not attacked. He'd even had a sword that he hadn't drawn. If he'd wanted me out of Sondirra's life--
I remembered the temple doors. He could have killed me, if he'd wanted.
There were hands on my shoulders. Familiar warm hands, Sondirra's. She gathered me to her, stroking my hair, and I realized that I was sobbing like a child. She was crying too, tears warm in my hair. I love you, Palil, she said, over and over again, silently. I love you. Dear god, I was so scared--
I clung to her, for a long minute or three completely wordless. Then my hand sought hers and squeezed gently. I believe you now, Sondirra. I really do.
She stilled. What do you mean?
Can I borrow your coat?
She wriggled out of it, and draped it over my shoulders. I pulled it around me, then stood.
Gannon was standing nearby, Jordan leaning against his front leg. I bit my lip and looked down at the ground, gathering my courage. A long breath later, I looked up.
"I owe all of you a huge apology," I started, then faltered. I pulled the coat more tightly around me. "Gannon, you were right. Everything you said was pretty much true. I got angry because it was true, and I shouldn't have. Sondirra..." I turned to my beloved bondmate, still crouched, tears in her eyes. "I nearly killed you just now. I let my rage get the better of me, and if Jordan hadn't been there you would be short one life right now." I turned back towards Gannon and Jordan, and let my eyes meet Jordan's. "I had two people I care about immensely trying to tell me that you'd changed, but I wouldn't let you. In my mind, you were still the boy who hurt Sondirra so badly. That boy wouldn't have held back with me when I attacked him. He would likely have killed me. I blinded myself to how you'd changed. Thank you for saving Sondirra's life. And mine. I'm sorry I've been so mean to you." I took a breath. No one moved. "I have something--someone--that belongs to you. Feel free to come get it whenever you think you can forgive me."
With that, I turned and walked away, back towards the camp. There were tears in my eyes, and I had Sondirra's coat clutched around me as if it were a lifeline. I felt very fragile just then, as if the slightest breeze would cause me to fall into dust.
I don't think I'd ever felt so much like a miserable failure at my personal life as in that moment. I didn't think Sondirra hated me. But if I were Gannon and Jordan, I wouldn't like me very much right now. Or ever, really. I was mildly surprised that Gannon had ever wanted to be my friend in the first place, given what he'd said to me today.
All I really wanted right now was to fly so high that I could scarcely breathe the air or keep myself aloft, let the thin wind blow through me and the sun to burn out the grief and the loneliness in me.
I would have to content myself with throwing myself into work.
Sondirra:
"What did you say to her?" I asked Gannon. "I've seen her mad like that maybe three times in her life."
He shrugged his wings uncomfortably. "I pointed out to her that she was acting like a child that didn't want to share her toys. I'm not at my best at the moment. She was irritating me, and I wasn't as diplomatic as I'd liked to have been." He drew his wings in close to his body. "I thought she might hate me afterwards. I didn't know she'd go mad with rage. She's always gone cold with anger when I've seen her get angry."
"Congratulations. She only gets angry like that with people she really cares about, who've gotten under her skin," I said, a bit angry myself. I reminded myself that this really wasn't Gannon's fault, and took a breath. "Look, I'm sorry. She really did mean what she said to all three of us. I'm just not looking forward to the process of helping her put herself back together." I looked at Jordan. "She was teetering on the edge of accepting you. Between the three of us, we just pushed her over, and I don't think she'll go back."
He stepped over to me and folded me in his arms. I breathed in his scent, familiar warm musk, and was profoundly grateful that I was alive right now. "I'm sorry that it took what it did," Jordan said. "I think finally battling it out with me maybe helped her move past it."
I nodded. "Right now, I'm just glad everyone's still alive. I was so scared when I saw you and Palil fighting. Can't say that running into the middle of that battle was my brightest moment."
"It was a pretty natural response, I think."
"If I'd bothered to either check her emotional state and realize how far gone she was, or to look and see that you were trying not to hurt her, I would have let her wear herself out by trying to hit you. At least, I assume that was the plan."
Jordan tightened his arms around me. "I know you're afraid that one of us is going to kill the other, one of these days. I can't make any guarantees for Palil. But I won't hurt her. I love you too much to ever hurt her. You'd never forgive me. I will let her kill me before I'll hurt her, but I hope she never forces me to make that choice."
"Me, too." I raised my head and kissed him, gently. "I need to go take care of her."
"Would you tell Palil that I'm sorry?" Gannon asked. "I meant what I said, but I could have said it in a much gentler way."
I loosed myself from Jordan's arms. "You should tell her yourself. I'm sure she thinks you hate her right about now. Are you all right, by the way?"
"She got in one good hit, but I'm just bruised. I'll have Haven check me out, but I think I'm all right."
"Good. I'm going to go find Palil, then. I'll see you guys back at the camp." I took off, walking unerringly towards where I felt my bondmate.
She was sitting on a fallen log, crouched in on herself, my coat clutched around her shoulders. I sent out a tentative tendril towards her. Hey.
Palil didn't stir, but I could feel her attention turn towards me. She looked so small, huddled there. Her voice was quiet. "I keep messing up, don't I? I thought I'd go back to camp, but I keep crying, and that's about the last thing I need everyone to see right now."
I swung up on the log next to her. "Yeah, you messed up. So did I, honestly. I know you. I should have known you were to the point where you wouldn't even know me. You're a white dragon. That temper of yours comes with the territory. I don't think you'll do it again."
"That's what you said the last time this happened," she said, bitterness in her voice. "And you'll probably say it again next time. You're the one person in the world I shouldn't ever be dangerous to. Dear Karop, this temper of mine. I never used to have such a problem controlling it."
"You also never used to have to worry about the problems of the world landing at your feet. Or have to deal with me loving someone not you. Or deal with the fact that you're sort of falling in love with someone not a white dragon," I pointed out, gently.
She raised her head and gave me a long look. "All...true, yes," she admitted. "That still doesn't make it any less dangerous."
I thought of something. Did I dare suggest it? Well, I should. "You should ask Jordan. He's got a lot of experience controlling his temper, and he knows the danger of losing control for even a second. Maybe he could give you some advice."
Palil dropped her chin to her knees again. "I should. If he ever speaks to me again." She sighed. "I can't believe I attacked Gannon. I'd been worrying over him not ten minutes before. He's probably never going to speak to me again either."
"Oh, Palil!" I leaned over and put an arm around her shoulders. They were deceptively thin and fragile-seeming. I held her, impressed that she had taken my suggestion to talk to Jordan about her temper without a trace of resentment or anger. "I'm pretty sure he doesn't hate you. He seemed really shaken, but he didn't come to much harm. I think it'll take more than that to permanently damage your friendship. Or whatever it is that's going on between the two of you. What were you talking about that got all this started, anyway?"
She bit her lip. "I talked to Chaim earlier. Remember the lifespan transfer potions? He asked me how many people would be participating in the transfer. Turns out that it's not just limited to bondmates. Any of the longer-lived races can participate. Elves. Drow. The more people in the transfer, the less it takes from each person."
"That means..." I blinked. "If I joined the transfer, I could extend both Jordan's and Gannon's lives."
"By centuries." There was sorrow in her voice. "That's exactly what I thought you would say. So I was talking to Gannon about the possibility of me joining the transfer, to give you and Gannon some extra years, and to limit my lifespan to be the same as yours. Gannon pointed out that my real reasons weren't to help him, or even you. They were because I'm terrified of spending a quarter of my lifespan alone. He told me I was being selfish, among other things. And the worst part is that he was right. I didn't want to help Jordan. I wanted to limit my own pain."
I could hardly think of what to say to her. "Palil, I..." I took a deep breath. "I can see why you were upset. That sounds like it hit bone. Gannon knows you a little too well for your comfort, doesn't he?" She nodded miserably. "I think," I said, carefully, "I think it maybe needed saying, though."
"I know it did, that's the worst part. Still..." She looked at me, and her heart was in her eyes. "I'm not sure how long I will survive you by. I don't know if I could handle you actually being gone. Maybe I could. I guess I won't know until I get there."
I chuckled. "Love, love, I haven't even decided if I want to do this. It's a huge step, and it ties me to Jordan for the rest of my life. Please, don't go borrowing trouble until it gets here." I tightened my arm around her shoulders, and she leaned into me. "All right. I don't hate you, I'm pretty sure Jordan doesn't hate you, and I think Gannon's kind of mad at the moment but it'll pass. Can you face everyone at the moment? We do have work to do. The world won't wait for us to get our personal stuff straightened out, much as we'd like it to."
"I know." She took a long breath, wiped her eyes and nose on my coat sleeve, and uncurled from her crouched position. "I'm all right. We need to talk to Orion. See if he can help us track down Penn. And I--" She paused. "Sondirra, do you think you can handle talking to Orion for a few minutes?"
I blinked. I am never going to get used to her being able to talk to other people like she does to me. "Um, sure. Why?"
She gave me a half-smile. "That was Gannon. He said he wants to talk to me. I'll try to be brief."
"I'm going to come after you if you're too long," I told her. "I don't like talking to the old ones by myself much."
"Take Jordan with you," she suggested. "Gannon said he's heading back to camp."
"I will." I hugged her again, and hopped down off the log, and headed back towards the camp. The cold feeling I'd had in my gut since the morning had completely disappeared, as if what I'd been braced for had happened.
I didn't know if Palil and Jordan would ever be friends. If I knew my bondmate like I thought I did...today marked the end of most of the resentment, on her part. She would probably backslide at some point. We all did, and jealousy was one of the most pernicious of her weak places. But I thought she'd truly seen that he'd changed, heard what I and Gannon had been trying to tell her.
I just hoped she and Gannon were able to fix things between them...
Palil:
After Sondirra left, I took a moment to compose myself. On my way, I sent to Gannon. I walked a bit north, where he'd told me he would be waiting. He'd found his clothes, it looked like; he'd been wearing one of those outfits that skinning out of is a moment's work, hardly slowing the change down at all. My clothes had not been nearly so fortunate, which is why I was dressed in nothing but my skin and Sondirra's coat.
He was leaning against a tree, and I couldn't read the expression in his eyes. "Gannon--" I said, and my voice failed. I shook my head. "I am so sorry. I don't blame you for being mad at me. I deserve it, and then some." I hesitated. Why had he called me here? To lecture me, or yell at me some more?
He didn't move. Instead, he said, "I'm not angry with you, Palil." Not a flicker of change in his expression.
I looked at him, confused. What was going on here? "What's wrong?"
He shrugged slightly. "What's wrong is that I was damned near killed two days ago, then flew hard for two days, and today I was attacked out of the blue by a certain female dragon of my acquaintance." Finally, a small change in his expression, and I could see now that he was holding himself so still because it hurt to move. "I hurt, Palil. Even my small form's a mass of bruises, not including the ones you just gave me. It makes me irritable. I shouldn't have spoken as harshly to you as I did. The point was well-made, but I should have been far gentler. I should have remembered the burden you're carrying at the moment. I apologize for that."
I spread my hands. "You have nothing to apologize for! I'm just afraid--" I swallowed, and dropped my gaze to the ground. "The way you talked, I thought you didn't want to be my friend any more. I'm sorry I'm not a better person. I'm trying, but like you said, I miss the mark a lot."
"Palil," he said, then hesitated. "I don't want to lose your friendship. The thought hurts worse than the bruises." I raised my eyes, and was shocked at the vulnerable expression on his face. I was suddenly forcefully reminded of how young he was, six months younger than me. How young we both were. "You have your faults. So do we all, I certainly do. It's just--" He winced. "It's hard, to be close to someone who resents your bondmate for existing. I love him. Despite everything, because of everything."
I took a step forward, and then another. "I never thought about it like that," I admitted. "It would have been hard on me, if you were the one who'd hated Sondirra." I reached out my hand. "Still friends, then?"
He chuckled dryly. "I'm not moving from this spot, Palil. You want a handshake, you're going to have to get closer."
I took the last few steps towards him, and took his hand. "I think I'll do you one better," I said, and hugged him, gingerly. "There. Friends?"
He was looking down at me, warmth in his eyes. "Friends. At least."
The moment lasted an eternity. In the end, I decided to be brave. I raised myself on my toes and very gently kissed him on the mouth. Then I ducked my head, and he pulled me a bit closer and rested his chin on the top of my head.
We didn't speak for a few minutes. There honestly didn't seem like there was a whole lot to say. This isn't exactly a good time for this, I finally said silently. But maybe afterwards.
I know, he said. We don't have to sort everything out now.
I let out a soft breath. I do like you, Gannon. A lot more than I probably ought to, considering you're my direct report.
That doesn't seem to bother our bonds, he said, chuckling.
They're both better at compartmentalizing their lives than either of us are, I pointed out. You know when Sondirra's the Major. Her whole demeanor changes. I can't do that, and I think neither can you.
He tightened his arms around me briefly. It's why I don't really have any friends on our team. I know I may have to order them to their deaths some day. I was so glad when you took Elfrida and Lida for a while. I've been worried that I'm going to get Lida killed, since she can't handle the rough stuff like the rest of us.
Well, we can be friends at least, I said. We'll see what happens. I need to be getting back. Can you make it back? You can lean on me, if you want. Or I bet I could carry you.
He chuckled. "I don't think that will be necessary. Leaning on you should work just fine. I do have some pride left. Despite the fact that I keep on getting rescued by my bond."
I laughed and slid under one of his arms. It was slow going getting back, but we made it. Sondirra said, Oh, good, you're back, Orion wants to talk to you.
"Duty calls," I told Gannon, slipping out from under his arm.
"That tree's calling me. I think I'm going to sleep the rest of the afternoon. Wake me up if certain death comes to call again."
"Oh, don't worry, I think you'll hear the screams," I said, teasing. Then I went to join my bond, and see what Orion possibly had for us....
Where there's ruin there's hope for treasure
and out of the ashes come comfort and pleasure
this is the love that no one can measure
I have you, I hold you
we are birds of a feather
--Shawn Colvin, "Steady Pull"
and out of the ashes come comfort and pleasure
this is the love that no one can measure
I have you, I hold you
we are birds of a feather
--Shawn Colvin, "Steady Pull"
