Shades of the Silent: Bitter Prices

[aithne]

The trip to Beijing was surprisingly quiet. We posed as a group of Chinese merchants, and I used conventional methods of disguise to be male for the two weeks it took us to get there. My pregnancy, fortunately, could be disguised as a gut, the kind some men got when they were older. The only other people we saw on the road were soldiers, and none of them gave us so much as a second glance.

We reached the walls of Beijing and scouted a good place to camp outside of them Once we'd found a relatively hidden place, I went into the city. I used the way that I had been taken out of it when I had been here before, finding it abandoned and unwatched.

Within Beijing I slipped from shadow to shadow until I made my way to a vantage point that I could watch the camp in the imperial square from. I spent two days in a precarious perch in a mostly-ruined building, pretending to be stone, watching.

The Khan was there, but he was never alone. He slept alone in his yurt, but that yurt was always surrounded by his most loyal followers. The camp was patrolled on both foot and horseback, and there were watchers posted who seemed to be mages or priests. After a day, I knew the rhythms of the camp as if they had been my own heartbeat. Though the Khan might be Kamil, this was still a Mongol camp, and I could be a shadow here with no trouble at all.

The second day, I watched, and tried to empty my heart of all but what I needed to pull my plan off.

My still-living family was down there, except for Chagatai. I nearly sobbed and gave myself away when I saw Orbei running between tents. She had grown up so much in the last two years! She was a young woman now, not the child I had left. Jochi looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, and Ogedei was not much better. Chagur, I did not see much of, but I did see both Ibakha and Khojin quite frequently.

I watched, and my heartbeat and breathing slowed, stilled. Become stone. Become the water that flows over the stone. Become the wind that troubles the water. Become the stone that splits the wind.

I was as ready as I was ever going to be. I returned to the camp, and told the others what my plan was.

"I can get in," I said. "Getting out is harder, but I'll think of something. He has to take the gloves off to sleep, so they'll be in his yurt somewhere. If this fails and I'm still alive, then we go with the backup plan of killing everyone we can."

My little tribe sat and looked at me in silence, and I could feel each of them weighing this in turn. "Where do you want us to be?" Sacha asked.

"You slip into the camp. You're backup for me, if I need it. Temur, Nomolun, Zayd, you're in charge of a distraction should I need it. Spirit will let you know if I do. Spirit--" I turned to him. He was in his horse form, this time a blood bay, and he looked at me with dark eyes. "I may have to call you to come get me. If I manage this, we may well be running for our lives for a bit."

Once by one, they all nodded. "I'll go in at midnight, I'll start the actual penetration at three hours past midnight," I told them. I glanced at the sky; it was almost sunset. "All of you, if I don't survive this..." I shook my head. "Leave. Lose yourselves. Shelter in Lhasa, if you need to. Don't die for this." My voice was heavy with command.

Zayd stood, reached out a hand to me. I took it, and he silently pulled me into an embrace. We prepared a meal, ate together, tried to act like everything was normal. I went to check the horses, and came back to Zayd and Sacha talking together in low voices. Focused entirely on what I was about to do, I didn't even blink at that.

I disguised myself as a Mongolian male, quite a bit older than I really was, took my leave of the others, and departed for the imperial square. There was an excitement and nervousness thrumming in my blood, the familiar heady feeling of being on a job, of being an arrow loosed from a bow, singing towards a target.

I held onto that feeling, because behind it was the howling of fear, and the growl of anger. I needed neither of those emotions right now. They were mere distractions.

The Khan's favorite hound was returning to him a wolf.

Getting in was easy; nobody even looked at me. I could be a part of this landscape so easily. I walked like a tribesman, and I walked through the mostly-sleeping camp to the back of the Khan's yurt.

I knew this tent. I knew that it had a back door of sorts, one that Ibakha and I had made when we were young. A tear, imperfectly repaired by our childish hands. It was the work of a moment to undo the threads, and widen the hole just enough for me to slip inside. I stood, breathed low. The fire in the center of the yurt was guttering low, and by its light I could see the Khan sleeping on a pallet, alone. The gloves were beside him.

Or were they?

They were strongly magical, but--not enough. There was a place under blanket that glowed as well, but it too was not nearly strong enough.

Trap! my nerves sang, and I knew I needed to get out. I turned, crouched at the hole--

"And like a moth to the flame, she comes again."

I whirled. That voice--Kamil!

I was caught, and caught well. He was wearing the silver gloves, he was between me and the quickest way out, and he was raising his hands. Pale fire began to coruscate around his fingers, and I suddenly smelled burned hair.

Then the flame washed me.

No!

Shout of denial, of stubbornness, there was a knife in my hand and I was slicing my other hand across the palm, blood welling up, the skin blistering and blackening and my body was a weapon through the pain, thrown at Kamil, the Khan, my father.

He was expecting me to run. Not to wrap my bleeding hand around his.

The heat ceased, and I fell away from him, my breath harsh with pain.

My vision swam, but I did not have the luxury of passing out at the moment. The Khan was looking at his gloved hands, a puzzled expression on his face, as if he did not recognize him. My breath hissed in my throat as I rose from where I'd fallen to my knees. "Father? Is that you?"

He looked up and took me in, and blinked. "Yesui, you are badly burned. What happened?"

Tell the truth. "You tried to use the gloves on me."

One question, a simple one. "Why?"

The answer to that question was neither simple, nor short, but I summed up. "Because you found me in here, and assumed I was here to steal the gloves and take them away to be destroyed. And I don't know how long what I've done will last."

He shook his head. "I can feel something trying to come back."

"The soul in the gloves." My voice was quiet, now, not pleading, just asking. "Please, Father. Let me take them, and do what I need to with them. I can destroy them."

He looked so old, standing there in the light of the low fire, just a man beaten by the years. Still. He was my father. "How?" he asked.

I shook my head. "I don't know yet, but I will once I have them. I've destroyed the others."

"They are yours." He pulled them off and handed them to me, and I took them from him. Two years ago, I had handed them to him, and started him on this course. Now I'd see it finished.

I gritted my teeth. "Thank you. And I need to go, before what I did wears off."

His voice held a vast exhaustion. "It's becoming too late, daughter. He is coming back. Don't go. This is my last breath as your father." He caught my eyes with his, held my gaze. "Know that I love you."

Steel hissed. There was a sword in my hand. "And I love you," I said.

He held my gaze as I stepped forward, as he leaned into my sword, as it slid between his ribs and into his chest. I caught him in my arms as his eyes closed, and his head fell on my shoulder. I held my father as he breathed his last breath, cradling him as if he were the child and I the parent. Then he convulsed and was still. I lowered him gently to the ground.

The silence in me was vast oceans of darkness, and in it I was all alone. I could feel nothing. Not even the pain of my burns. I could say nothing.

Scout's instincts kicked in. I needed to go, before someone came to investigate. As I turned, covered in my father's blood, I saw that it was too late. Two men, I recognized neither of them. I tensed, wondering if I was going to have to fight these, too.

The one on the left spoke. "Yesui. It's Spirit, and Temur."

Oh. Relief spilled down me, and I let go a breath. "We need to go."

Spirit shook his head. "Not yet. Ahmad is screaming at me for you to find out how to destroy those things."

I blinked. I had thought to keep it till later, but Ahmad was right. "Oh, right." I bared my wrist, touching the bracelet to the gloves.

Destruction is caused by the blood of Kamil and the soul of the revenged.

I stared down at the gloves in disbelief. "The blood of Kamil and the soul of the revenged? Blood of Kamil, someone related to him, maybe. The soul of the revenged--Oh. Ahmad."

Kamil had no heirs left. The last body he inhabited, Ahmad said in my mind.

We had to do this quickly, then. "That would be my father, then. All right, what do we have to do?"

Take the bracelet off and slip the gloves through the bracelet, then drop them in your father's blood.

I nodded. "All right. Ahmad--" My mouth was dry as the Gobi, and I swallowed painfully. "If this is the last time we talk--it's been good knowing you. Thank you." I swiftly pulled off the bracelet, threaded the gloves through them, dropped them at my feet where my father's blood puddled.

As the gloves and bracelet fell, I heard Ahmad's voice. Goodbye, Yesui.

The gloves hit the ground, and the blood hissed. The gloves melted swiftly, as if they had been eaten by acid. And from the blood, two images rose.

One was half-Mongol, half-Persian, proud face twisted by rage and pain. Kamil threw back his head and screamed, then vanished.

The other--

Familiar to me as my own hands, Ahmad's image grew more and more solid, his arms wrapped around himself as if he hurt.

Then he took a breath. Coughed. Fell to his knees.

I dropped to my own knees before him, put my hands on his shoulders. "Ahmad?" I asked, wondering if I could be deceived.

He coughed, managed to take a breath. "Yes." He looked up, and his eyes widened. "You look like hell. Doesn't that hurt?"

Did it? Oh, yes. Yes, it did. I was aware of pain, of places blackened and blistered, the fact that it was becoming harder and harder to move. "Yes, it does." I was shivering, I realized.

A figure came barreling in, pulling up short. "Father are you al..." He stopped, his mouth dropping open. I looked up at him from where I knelt in a puddle of my father's blood, and recognized him.

"Jochi," I said, and my voice cracked. I am dead. A spasm of pain passed through me. Perhaps it's best.

But Jochi didn't pull his sword, like I expected him to. "I would say Yesui, but I fear that can't be true."

Confused, I said, "Why not? It's me, all right. I'd hug you, brother, but I think it would hurt right now."

He shook his head. "No, it can't be you. Father had standing orders to kill Yesui on sight. I think I see before me Tolui."

My mind was not working, and I just stared at my brother. "What?" I managed, finally. Some dispassionate part of me noted that I was starting to shake violently, that I was so cold, that I was beginning to go into shock.

"You three. Bandage my brother." He looked at me once more. "And you, just trust me."

It finally penetrated my mind that Jochi was trying to save me. He had a plan. "All right. I trust you."

Temur, Spirit, and Ahmad picked up blankets and wrapped them around me. I nearly screamed at the touch of the wool on my burns, instead biting the inside of my cheek hard enough that my mouth was flooded with the taste of blood. Spirit laid a corner of blanket over my face, so only my eyes showed, so I could see, and then he and Temur picked me up.

Outside, there was a crowd gathered, and Jochi was standing before them, staring out over their heads. He drew a deep breath. "The great Khan of all the empires is dead. Killed by a demon. But Tolui has returned to us and killed the demon, at great cost to himself. I will care for him. I turn the Khan's empire over to the deserving Chagatai, recently returned this very night. All hail the new Khan and glory to the Empire!"

The cheers were immediate, a deafening roar of voices. There was a figure on the other side of Jochi. Chagatai, looking lean and hard from traveling, but with a wondering expression in his eyes. The attention of the crowd turned to Chagatai, and Jochi turned to us. "Take Tolui to your healer," he told those with me. He glanced down at me. "Don't leave town yet, Tolui. Not for a few days."

I whispered, "I won't, not yet." Then I was picked up and carried through the night, my injured body screaming at me, denied even the temporary comfort of passing out. Once we were out of the camp, Spirit carried me like a sleepy child back to camp. He set me down and took the blankets from around my head, and Temur handed me the cup. "Drink," he said.

I did, and willed myself to heal. Coolness washed over me, and I sagged with relief. "That's better," I said, my voice still rough. "Gods, that hurt." I looked around, and saw to my surprise three figures on the ground, sleeping. Nomolun, Zayd, and Sacha. "Why is everyone asleep?" I got up and stumbled over to Zayd, who was closest, and touched his shoulder. He didn't awaken.

"It will be awhile," Temur said behind me. I straightened and faced him.

"What happened?" I asked.

"They disagreed on a backup plan. Spirit and I chose for them."

My eyes narrowed. "What did you two do to them?"

Temur looked at me, with that way he has of being perfectly still. "Long ago, Spirit had me get some sleeping potion. I put it in their tea. They wanted to go in and get you seconds after you left. We feared that they would cause a greater commotion and though providing an excellent distraction, they would all be dead. Spirit and I decided that it was best if they didn't."

I thought about this, thought about standing in front of my father and having him give me the gloves. I ran a hand over my hair, and swore when a handful broke off in my hand. Completely irrelevantly, I thought, but I just got it grown out after the last time it got burnt off...

I shook my head. "Well, it proved to be a wise choice. I didn't realize you two had been talking for so long."

Temur's smile was a ghost at the corners of his eyes. "You aren't the only one that can hear horses think."

I rolled my eyes, and to Spirit I complained, "You could have told me, you know."

He chuckled, his voice rich and deep. "It only works with bonds and elves."

Well, he wasn't a bond, so that made him-- "Temur's an elf?"

"His mother was." Spirit gave me an amused look. "Why do you think he can shoot like that?"

"I just thought he was good at what he did. The things you learn." To Temur, I said, "You look Mongol."

"I know. Shhh."

I chuckled. "I won't tell." I ran my hand over my hair again, coming away with a larger handful this time. I stared down at the crisped hair in my hand, and the world wobbled.

My father's body, collapsed in my arms, his blood soaking my shirt.

The look in Jochi's eyes when he'd seen me kneeling next to him.

The silence in me roared. I will leave you alone in this world.

But I am not alone--

I was on the ground, a stone pressing into my cheek, curled in a tight ball. Hands on my head, on my back. There is always a price, Silent One, and you have paid it. It is over. Spirit's voice in my mind. Someone gathered me together, scooped me up, wrapped a blanket tightly around me. "Lay a sleep on her, Ahmad, please."

"But--"

"Just do it, give her some distance from the immediate event." I heard a voice, chanting. Darkness descended.

I woke once, twice, and was sent back to sleep each time. The third time, Sacha and Zayd and Nomolun were all awake, and though they asked me how I was, all I could do was shake my head. I felt as if I were watching myself from a great distance. Late that evening, Sacha, Temur and I rode into the Mongol camp, Spirit disguised as a steppe horse. I was swathed in bandages, and I hunched over to hide my pregnancy.

I was escorted into Jochi's tent, and there was a place swiftly arranged for me, on the supposition that I was still injured. "Tolui," Chagatai said. "It's good to see you."

"And you," I told him. "I'm glad you made it back."

"Me, too." He smile was swift, and swiftly gone. "Brother, I want to ask you to take over the administration of the lands that were the Khwarezmid empire. That is your portion. Jochi will go with you, to be an advisor, or to take over should you decline the post."

I blinked, and swallowed. There were tears standing in my eyes. I knew what this meant--I would live a double life until the end of my days, living as Tolui publicly, as Yesui only privately. "Chagatai. I'm sorry. I--can't give you an answer right now."

"I understand," he told me. "You need some time."

I dropped my voice very low, and my brothers leaned in to hear. "I have an open wound in my soul, and I must have it seen to," I told them. "And, well--" I gestured at my belly. "There are a few things that will become difficult to hide soon."

Stunned looks from all of them. "You're--" Ogedei started, then stopped as Jochi held up his hand.

"Do you have somewhere in mind to go?" Chagatai asked me.

I nodded. "Lhasa. It is safe, as safe as anywhere in the world right now, and I have something waiting for me there anyway. I have a few other places I need to visit in that part of the world. Give me a year, and you will have your answer."

Jochi looked at me levelly, then nodded. "I will come with you, at least as far as Lhasa," he told me. "We will see what happens from there."

I took a long breath. "And Father's body?"

"Will be taken to the Ikh Khorig, and buried there. We will post guards along the perimeter of the area, closely enough that nobody will be able to get in unnoticed." That was Ogedei, looking uncharacteristically serious. "We will depart two days from now."

I inclined my head. "I cannot come with you, but I will see you off."

"It is well, then. We will ride, tomorrow. Will you come with us?"

"I will. There is much to be spoken of, but not here."

Chagatai shook his head, echoing me softly. "No. Not here. Good evening. Tolui." He rose and left the yurt then, and Jochi helped me up from where I had been reclining and took me to where Sacha, Temur, and Zayd were waiting.

The next day, I and my brothers went out riding, a traditional hunt from which we would come back empty-handed, as our sisters and my father's wives gathered in my father's yurt to prepare his body for transport and burial. We took most of a tumen with us, fanned out to prevent the Chinese from attempting to attack while we were out.

When the sun was high, we stopped near a small grove, and Chagatai ordered the tumen away from us. We stepped into the shade of the trees, and out of sight and earshot of anyone else. And it was there that we had the last truly honest family conference of our lives.

Chagatai caught me up in his arms, held me close. "Yesui, by all that's holy. I'm so glad to see you alive."

There were tears in my eyes as I buried my face in his neck, breathed in the familiar scent of him. "And I you. I'm glad you made it back in one piece."

"I had some help." I could hear his smile. "I ran into Todoge and his men, and asked for their help getting here. I'm told you took my mares."

I laughed. "I left you the stallion, be thankful! You can have them back, but Zayd's gotten rather attached to them."

He snorted. "I have all of Father's horses, now. He can keep them."

I released Chagatai, looked at my other two brothers. "I thought I was dead when you walked in, Jochi."

He shook his head. "I'd noticed the changes in how he was behaving. I fell out of favor with him a few months ago for daring to question him openly, and he stripped me of the right to inherit. I knew better than to try to take over when he died. It would have looked like a coup, and I wouldn't have lived much longer than a day. Chagatai filled me in when he arrived about what Father's affliction was. And he warned me that you would eventually be coming for him. I didn't expect you to show up that night, though."

I tried to smile, completely failed. "I was actually there for two days beforehand, watching."

"Ah, scouts. Never where you expect them to be." He gave me questioning look. "Are you going to take over Tolui's place, then?"

I nodded. "For the moment." I pulled the bandages away from my face, irritated by them. "The burns give me an excellent excuse to never show my face." They were all staring at me. "What?"

"Yesui, I saw you." There was a line between Jochi's eyebrows. "I don't care how good your healer is, you were badly burned enough that I have no idea how you were still standing. You're not even scarred."

"It's a long story," I told him. "I'll tell it to you later. And in case you're wondering, yes, I'm pregnant, and the father is one of two men, both of whom travel with me."

Ogedei laughed. "Two! That's my little sister, all right."

"I'm just indecisive, is all," I told him. "All right. Who needs to know? We're going to have to tell Sorkhokhtani, I assume." Sorkhokhtani was Tolui's wife, a woman as politically savvy as my late brother had not been.

My brothers looked at each other. "Sorkhokhtani...Yesui, Father was very angry when you killed Tolui." Jochi's face was somber. "I knew about it because he called me in and ranted at me for an hour about you. He told me that as vengeance against you, I was to have Sorkhokhtani and her son killed. I was openly out of favor at the time, and couldn't refuse. As far as anyone but the family knows, she had decided to make the trip back to Ulaanbaatar with our nephew. In reality, they were escorted away from camp and had their throats slit." He shook his head. "That...thing that had our father gloried in letting everyone around him know that he was in absolute control."

I breathed in, breathed out. "Nobody knows she's dead?" They shook their heads. "Don't let that get out. I can use it." I looked from face to face. "How bad are things?" I asked. "How much damage did Kamil do to us?"

They knew what I was speaking of, I saw. Ogedei replied. "The tribes were beginning to fracture. The resistance here hasn't been good for morale. Chagatai and I together can mend that. He did nothing we cannot remedy, I think."

"Good," I told them. I dropped my eyes, stared at the bare ground with the roots of trees gnarling through the soil. There was so much I wanted to say to them, but the words were crowded in me, and I couldn't get any of them to come out. "I'm sorry," I finally said, still staring at the ground. "I had no idea what I would begin, when I brought the gloves back to Father."

"You followed his orders. We all did. There was no way you could have known." Jochi's voice was worried. "You did what you needed to, to end it."

"I killed him, is what you mean." There were tears standing in my eyes. "I killed him, and Tolui, and my mother was killed because of something I did. I don't know if I can come back, Jochi. I just..." I trailed off, the words sticking in my throat. "I need time."

"You'll get it," he promised me, and put an arm around my shoulders. "I want to meet these people you've been traveling with, by the way. I know Temur, everyone knows Temur. But I've heard you're traveling with a Persian. And which of them are you sleeping with? I'll want to have a chat with them. Make sure they're good enough for you."

I almost suffered a bout of hysterical laughter, right there. "You'll be traveling with us, you'll meet them all."

"Good." He smiled at me. "Now, who were the ones I saw yesterday? Was the Persian the one you mentioned before?"

I stared, and then a weak giggle escaped me. "Ah. No. One of them was Temur, his form changed so he could walk in without being caught. The Persian was a ghost that had bound himself to a bracelet and was guiding me in destroying Kamil's items, at least he was a ghost up until a few heartbeats before you walked in. The third was, well, my horse Spirit."

"He looked like a tribesman," Jochi muttered.

"He does that sometimes. It's a long story. Spirit's only sort of a horse." I shrugged awkwardly. I hadn't thought before about having to explain everything that had happened to someone, especially a member of my family.

Jochi gave me a long look, then shrugged. "The tumen is going to wonder what we're doing in here. We should go."

I nodded and hugged Jochi, then Chagatai and Ogedei. Almost, for a moment, I could believe that the last two years hadn't happened, that they had been a bad dream.

But before we left, I had to wrap my face in bandages once more. Once we stepped beyond the trees, my brothers started calling me Tolui once more. And two days later, we watched as the procession with my father's body left.

His body was wrapped in a white felt blanket filled with sandalwood, the wrapped body place in a felt coffin bound with three golden straps. The body of the Great Khan, my father, was placed on a simple cart, and to the front his sulde, his spirit banners, made from tail hairs of his favorite horses tied to the shaft of two spears. One was white, to be carried in times of peace. The other was black, to be carried in times of war.

The mourners followed the cart, and behind them went my sister Chagur, one of the last few priests of the Eternal Blue Sky left among us. Behind her followed a horse with a loose bridle and my father's empty saddle.

We waited and watched as the procession went down the road and disappeared. He would be buried in the Ikh Khorig, and there would be no stone, no monument, not even his name scratched into the dirt. His mortal form would go to feed the steppe, but his soul would live on among us.

So I had to believe as we made preparations for our own departure.

*****

"Orbei. Sssh."

My sister stiffened, woke silently. I put my hand over her mouth and a finger against my own lips, and her eyes widened as she recognized me. When I was satisfied that she wasn't going to cry out, I took my hand off of her mouth.

"Yesui?" she said, wonderingly. She looked like she was about to cry, and she reached up and threw her arms around my neck. She was warm with sleep, and her long hair was unbound. "You came back," she said into my ear. "I knew you would."

"I can't stay," I told her, putting my arms around her. I wanted to tell her that I was going to be Tolui from now on, but she was only twelve, and a secret that size couldn't be trusted to a girl who had a tendency to chatter. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm all right, and that you'll see me again some day. I never forgot about you, and I never stopped loving you."

She was crying now, her shoulders shaking. "I missed you so much. Father made me say bad things about you, but I never believed them, not even a little. When are you coming back?"

I owed her truth, no matter how much it hurt. "Not for years." Orbei was gulping back her sobs, trying to be quiet. "Orbei, little one, you have to be strong, and you have to be silent. You can't tell anyone I came to see you."

"I won't. I promise."

"Good." I kissed her hair, inhaling the scent of it. "These are for you. When you see me again, I'll tell you the story of how I came by them, I promise. Don't show them to anyone." I put a wrapped bundle into one of her hands, then released her. "I need to go, Orbei. I love you."

There were tears standing in her eyes, and I could see that the beauty that had been just a shadow on her when she had been ten was starting to unfold. "I love you too, Yesui," she said through her tears.

"Be strong, little sister," I told her. "Be silent. Be stone--"

"Be the water that washes the stone," she replied.

"Be the wind that troubles the water."

She smiled. "Be the stone that splits the wind."

I took her face in my hands, and kissed her forehead. She was learning her lessons well. "Remember me, Orbei," I said, quietly. "I promise to remember you. I will come back some day."

I rose and left, afraid that if I stayed any longer, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to leave. In the bundle I had given my sister were three small flying toys, made by the mage Bakr. I had kept the fourth, the little copper dragon, for myself. At the door, I paused and put the bandages that I'd taken off back up around my face.

Spirit was waiting for me outside the small yurt that Orbei shared with her mother Borte and her sister Khojin. I swung up on his back and rode towards where I knew I'd find those I was traveling with--my small tribe, Jochi, and a few loyal men. A whole tumen had been sent into the territory I would likely be taking over in a year's time, but for where we were going, we did not need so many people.

Mungke was with us, as were a pair of Tolui's generals. All had been apprised of the secret, as the people who were most likely to notice that Tolui was no longer himself. We were traveling to Lhasa first. Where we would go after that would depend on what happened there...