Tiamat's Kittens: Scars
Aug. 31st, 2006 05:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aithne[I could have sworn I posted this, but I guess I didn't. It takes place right between the last story and the recap posted yesterday. There are still some touchy places between Sondirra and Jordan, and this story's partially about one of them.]
Sondirra:
I was almost asleep, lying on my stomach with nothing but a shirt on. We'd come back here after finishing talking to Orion for the moment. I knew what our teammates likely thought we were up to, but nothing of the sort was going on. I'd needed comfort, and Jordan had silently provided it, holding me while I shook through the last of the reaction to Palil's unexpected attack on me. Jordan was sitting now next to me on the bedroll, evidently lost in his own thoughts. He was tracing a hand along my body almost absently, down my back over one hip, to my thigh. His hand found and began to trace the scar on the back of my left thigh.
I flinched.
I'd come abruptly awake in the moment he'd touched that scar, and I tried to belatedly hide my reaction by stretching and rolling to one hip. I glanced up at him, and one look told me that I wasn't fooling anyone.
"Does it still hurt?" Jordan asked, his voice soft.
I shook my head, drawing my foot upward, hiding--protecting--the scar. "It healed well. It's barely even stiff, even in the mornings, these days."
"It looked like it hurt you."
I considered my response, thinking briefly about how, despite all of the people I'd had in my bed, none of them had ever been allowed to touch that scar. "It's an ugly thing," I said, honestly. "A lot uglier than most of my scars. It might work just fine, but it looks and feels like hell." The scar had knotted along its length, the skin pulled awkwardly this way and that by it.
"And it's a reminder of what happened, that day. And all the days before it." Jordan's voice held bleeding wounds in it, guilt, self-recrimination. "What I did to you."
"Hey, now, I see a few scars I gave you. That nice one on your shoulder, for instance." That was a long, thin one, punctuated on either side by newer scars, Andromeda's work. "And that slash on your side. I gave as good as I got, Jordan. Don't ever think that it was just something you were doing to me. We were kids, we were stupid, it happens."
He shook his head. "It's a nice thought, Sondirra, but I know better. If I hadn't been so mean, you wouldn't have that scar."
"And if you hadn't been so mean, the rest of us wouldn't have found ways to fight back that used our brains more than our fists. What's done is done." I shifted, coming up to a sitting position, folding my legs under me. "You know you have my forgiveness." I shrugged. "I probably could have defused the situation, if I'd thought of it. I could have even left--I'm a better rock climber than you were, and I did have my back to my practice wall. But I didn't." I gave him a wry smile. "And you had an unexpected surge of strength and speed, so Eldil told me. You probably would have banged me around pretty good if you hadn't, but you wouldn't have almost killed me."
Jordan was flushing, turned away from me. "I didn't want you to know about that. It seems like an excuse. I still chose my actions in that moment. I knew that I'd been having problems with control."
"And I'd pissed you off something fierce." I shrugged awkwardly. "Like I said. What's done is done. It's over with."
"Then why did you act like I'd burned you when I touched the scar?"
I looked down. Let out a long breath. Thought about it. "I don't know," I finally admitted. "I've just...never liked having anyone look at it, or touch it."
His hand touched my shoulder, and tentatively slid across my upper back. I leaned into him. "I think it's less over and done with than you'd like to think, love," he said, quietly.
I didn't answer except to close my eyes. Everything felt very tangled up inside of me just then. I'd never thought about why that scar in particular was the one I hid. The rest of my scars I could show off, point them out to lovers and laugh about the brave or stupid thing I'd been doing when I got them. Even my mismatched eyes, I was almost proud of. I'd lost the eye and survived the regeneration. It was an accomplishment.
It should have been an accomplishment to survive the scar on my thigh, as well. Not only had I survived, I had full use of the leg. It was no less ugly than a few of the others, though larger than the rest.
Then why was I ashamed of this scar?
There was no answer forthcoming. "Maybe. I can't tell you why, because I don't know. Maybe somewhere I thought you were trying to come to me for help, and I taunted you into attacking me. Maybe it was just the whole stupid thing with you and me and Gannon and Palil coming to a head." I took a long breath. "Do you want to see it?"
I felt him stiffen in surprise. "You'd show me?"
"Do one thing that scares you every day, right?"
He nodded shallowly. "I think I should see it. To see the results of my--handiwork." He said that last word like it hurt.
I wiggled away from him, laying down on my stomach once again, pillowing my head on my arms. I could see him out of the corner of my eye, just barely. I felt him lay his hand on the curve of my hip again, and tried not to tense up. I trusted him. He wasn't going to hurt me. And his hand felt nice there, a light, warm presence on my skin, sword calluses scratching pleasantly.
Carefully, slowly, he began to move his hand a little, down towards the scar shaped like the outer curve of a dragon's wing. I felt the first tense prickling of fear in my scalp, and to defuse it, I started talking.
"I was scared," I said. "Scared not just of what you might have done to me, but more scared of the look that Yuri always got on his face when he found out that you and I had been fighting again. Of coming back beaten bloody yet again, of being made to look like a weakling girl again in front of my teammates. They never saw me that way, they'd all fought you at some point, but I still hated to lose face. I had my pride, and Palil, and that was about it." His hand had reached my scar, and I felt the peculiar sensation of the numb scar surrounded by the tingling skin to either side.
I stopped talking. There was something. Something about that day that I didn't like to think about, something that was entwined with the blood and the shouting and the pain. Something I'd kept secret from even Palil, and tried to forget.
Something about what had happened before Jordan had arrived--
Nausea hit me, and forgetting that I was trying to relax, I curled into a ball. I shut my eyes tight, squeezing tears from the corners of them. "Ah, no..."
I felt Jordan wrap his warm, solid body around mine. I curled up even tighter. "What is it, love?" he asked, his voice worried. "Are you all right?"
"I remember," I said, feeling as if something were squeezing my chest tightly, leaving me breathless. "That day--I remember."
"What?"
I shook my head. "No. I can't tell you. Not this."
"You can tell me anything, Sondirra," he said, quietly. He kissed the back of my neck. "What is it?"
It seemed like a long time before I could speak again. When I did, my voice was hesitant and faltering. "That day was--well, things had been pretty bad between us for a while there. We were fighting something like every week. Neither of us could turn around without the other there making snide remarks or whatever."
I felt him nod. "I remember."
"I was tired of it. All I wanted at that point, really, was for you to go away for a while so I could finish school without feeling like I fighting this endless battle with you all the time. I didn't know how to stop it, so I came up with a plan to remove you from the picture." I took a long breath. "I know I had a reputation for being kind of easy in school. I also had a reputation for being entirely honest. I thought I could use both of those things. I hatched a plan, and I didn't even tell Palil. It wouldn't have worked if she'd known about it." I fell silent. The nausea was still with me, and I knew it was because I was terrified.
"What was it?" Jordan asked. "It can't have been that bad. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to kill me."
I shook my head. "Worse than that." My breath was coming to me hard. "I'd made a friend in one of the towns we sometimes went to on field trips. Her dad was an alchemist, he made drugs for the military. She brought me something one day that she'd filched from her dad's stuff. It was a batch of experimental truth serum that hadn't quite worked out. Basically, what it did was make the person it was given to at first really impressionable and cooperative, but then it made them really violent. She grabbed it for me because we'd been talking about poisons the last time I visited."
"And the plan was?"
I clenched my fists. Say it, Sondirra. Just spit it out. "I loaded a dart with the poison, and stashed it on the top of the rock I used as a practice wall. I figured nobody would find it there. Then I started baiting you, hard. I wanted to piss you off enough that you'd come after me. I was going to climb to the top of the rock and wait, and when you came into the clearing I'd hit you with the dart. Once the drug took effect, I was, um..." I clenched my teeth. "I was going to disarrange both of our clothing. Give you some nail marks, as if you'd grabbed me and I'd been fighting you. Give myself a couple of good whacks and scrapes, make it look like you'd knocked me around. Then I was going to run like hell back to school. Claim you tried to rape me. By the time Yuri and Kathryn got there, you'd have been in the violent phase of the drug, which would have made you look guilty as hell. You wouldn't have remembered a thing afterwards, and Palil would have backed me up. They'd have kicked you out, maybe made you spend a few years rotting in prison first."
"Or if they thought I was going to be too dangerous, they would have executed me," he said.
I nodded miserably. "But the day I finally got you to follow me, you were after me too soon. I didn't have a chance to climb the rock and get the bag. I had my back to the wall, and I lost my temper. With what happened afterward, I completely forgot all about my plan. I never even saw my friend who'd given me the drug again." I frowned. "Funny thing, though. I climbed that rock a lot after I recovered from the wound. I don't remember seeing that bag anywhere again, and I was up there a lot." I used the back of my hand to rub my eyes. "I'd have told a huge lie to get you out, one that would have stuck with you for the rest of your life. And you'd probably have always wondered if you had actually done it." Shame was a burn in my middle, a physical presence in my stomach. "I guess, somewhere, I remembered that plan, remembered the lie I was going to tell, the horrible thing I was planning to do to you. The scar reminded me of it."
He wrapped his arms tightly around me, and for a minute neither of us spoke. "It was a plan that never went off," Jordan said. "I'd probably feel differently about it if I had been kicked out or jailed because of it, but I wasn't. I did a lot of awful things. You tried one, and didn't manage to pull it off. I should just be glad you didn't have a year of MI experience behind you when you tried it. Now, you'd probably manage it." His voice was warm, and I began to relax.
Jordan's hand wandered down again, and this time when he touched my scar, I didn't flinch. He rested his hand on it, and I tensed and then began to relax. I took a long breath, and let it out. "When they put me in the little infirmary room all by myself, I was so lonely. I hadn't been alone in ten years, at that point, and I couldn't get Palil in. My teammates came to visit, and some of the rest, but they had classes, and I was down for three weeks healing. Funny thing, though. Someone who's seen your full records mentioned that you got thrown out of my room every morning for those three weeks. Something about holding my hand while I slept, trying to keep me company."
Jordan's hand froze on my leg. "I didn't know you knew."
"I didn't until recently. It feels really weird now that I remember what I'd planned to do. Here I was planning this horrid fate for you, and there you were, trying to be nice to me in your way."
"You're not the only one with a head full of pride. I wanted to apologize to you so badly, to tell you I was sorry things had gotten so bad. But I never could figure out what to say, or how to say it. To be honest, half of me was sort of hoping you'd wake up and demand to know what I was doing there. You never did, though."
"The stuff they were feeding me had something to do with it," I told him. "So what was the other half of you up to?"
His voice was a bit rueful. "The other half of me was too busy watching you sleep to worry about much of anything."
I laughed and turned in his arms, tickling him ruthlessly. I'd recently discovered that Jordan had a few ticklish spots, and I exploited them for all I was worth. When we collapsed together, me partially on top of him, he kissed me, still laughing. "What can I say? I was nineteen, and you're beautiful enough to watch all the time."
I rolled off of him and propped myself up on one elbow. "Why were you there in the first place? Just happened to wander into a locked infirmary after midnight?"
He made a face and sat up. "Not precisely. After I took my stripes that afternoon--that was the worst thrashing I got while I was in school--I walked into Yuri's office. Still bleeding from the stripes, as I recall. I told him exactly what happened, that I'd been mad at you and hunted you down, and lost my temper, and told him that I couldn't stay in the military any more. I couldn't continue, if I was capable of killing people with my anger. It wasn't the way of the military, to have a bunch of hotheads running around. I told him about Eldil, too. I pretty much spilled my guts to him. Then I tried to quit."
"What did he say?" I asked.
"He told me that I couldn't quit, because I'd be rogue and a target for the hunters. He could transfer me to #4, which is where I should have gone anyway. Then he said--I still remember him sitting there, looking at me from across that big desk of his--he said, 'Jordan, you hurt the ones you love sometimes.' Then he dismissed me. Never brought it up again. But when I couldn't sleep that night and showed up at the door of the infirmary, he was there. He unlocked the door and let me in without a word." Jordan shook his head. "That was the beginning of me really knowing about my feelings for you. I sat there nights, holding your hand, trying to keep you company."
I was smiling. Yuri and Kathryn had been teachers half of forever. They'd known everything, it seemed. "I remember, things got a lot better after that. We'd still cream each other in practice, but I wasn't having to jump at shadows any more. And I quit trying to hatch plans to get you kicked out."
"It took me a few years to get it all sorted out. I was hoping I could just be military and think about women later. I never could quite get you out of my head, though."
"And then I kept on showing up wherever you were," I said, smiling.
"I couldn't shake the feelings, and when I finally decided to give up on denying them, I looked up and you were with Oberan. By that time, a life in the military was a lot less appealing. I decided I wanted something more like my father has--the land, the company of good people. No more killing, no more intrigue."
I folded my arms, rolled so I was lying with my chin propped on my hands. "That's sounding more and more appealing, love. Why were you at #2 instead of #4, anyway?"
Jordan made a wry face. "My father, and his father, and his father before him, and so on down the line, all went to #4. My family's got a reputation there. I was trying to go somewhere that nobody would know who me or Gannon were. I requested #2, much to Gannon's chagrin at the time. He liked the warm nights and mild winters. Instead, we got frigid mountains year-round."
"That's pretty far from his family, and we didn't have any other red dragons in our class. He must have felt pretty isolated."
"He did, but he got used to it. Besides, living up to his own family's reputation at #4 would have been a strain on him."
"He's not much like the rest of them, that's for sure. Maybe he'll find more things to laugh about, some day." I snuggled up to Jordan, draping an arm over his chest. "So now all you need to do is survive, and hope that the rest of us survive. Oh, yeah, and help put a new government in place. That little thing."
I was chuckling, but Jordan wasn't. "Honestly? I couldn't care less about the whole government thing. My goal is to make sure Gannon, you, and Palil survive, and then retire, governments be damned. Home is an estate with twelve old red dragons living on it. I'm not all that worried."
I snorted. "I guess I'm not used to the idea of being able to just turn my back on the government. I'm from a village in the middle of nowhere, though. And I kind of like the idea of helping revolution along."
"The only thing I really care about is that Reuben dies. I don't care who takes over, Gada or Isla or someone else, like Chaim."
"Isla would be a terrible person to take over. I think everyone's pretty much agreed on the whole Reuben needs to die thing, though. There's an elf who's overstayed his welcome in the world, and it might be that we're the ones who'll show him the door. But Isla would probably be as bad as Reuben, if she had his resources. Maybe a bit better, because she's not as smart as he is, but she's almost as ruthless."
"Mmm. True. Food shortages wouldn't be an issue with her. Besides, with Yafa and Reuben both dead, who's she going to fight with?"
"Gada, probably. Not entirely sure Gada's not up to something, either."
He shrugged and shifted a bit. "Me either, but a dictator is a dictator is a dictator. Until you rule by council, it's going to be the same thing over and over again."
I made a face. "And the problem with councils is that they take forever to get anything done, and one council alone couldn't really take care of the whole world."
"Nope, it would have to be regional governments and one world government they have to answer to."
"Preferably a civil government," I said, warming to the idea. "I think I've had enough military rule to last one lifetime. The question would be how we'd choose people to be part of that. In the end, it might come down to us to kick this off."
"The government appoints mayors now, just have people vote for them instead. Let them be the regional government."
I raised my head, frowning. "That's kind of a weird thought. Isn't that what the frost giants used to do?"
"Yes, it is. Their system was right but flawed." I chuckled. So much for Jordan not caring less about the government.
I thought about the history lessons we'd all been taught. "They didn't let the dragons or the other humanoids have any say, it was only the frost giants who voted. So the dragons decided that they'd had enough and wiped out the frost giants." At least, that was the story that was always told.
"Yep, and anything that can speak a language or at least think one at you should be able to vote if they want."
I took his point, but I almost laughed. The portals would get to vote. So would every dragon artifact in the world. I spun the thought out a little farther. "And then those people send people of their choice to the world government? Well, it probably stands at least a chance of working. Going to make a lot of people's heads spin, though."
"Pretty much. It's got kinks, like being slow to make decisions and so on, but its not a military dictatorship."
I flopped over onto my back, letting out a sigh. "The whole military dictatorship thing worked for a while, but it's pretty much broken down at this point. and I think I've had enough of having every dragon and bondmate who get paired up have to go through military training, and then having something like a quarter of them die in their first two years."
Jordan raised himself up on one elbow, shaking his head. "Yes, what have we lost because of that? Great thinkers, mages, clerics, people that could have made a big difference, now forced to fight and die. Wasteful. Lida is one of them. She could be a great musician. As it is, she's a prodigy. But here she is, fighting and dying. Coping by taking drugs for the horrors she has seen."
I nodded, thinking about how fragile the bard seemed, even now. "Is that what got her into that? I wondered. There's Haven, too. If he weren't so busy trying to fix up the wounded, he could spend a lot more time coming up with interesting new things for people, like the migraine thing he did for me. And Garnet. Garnet had such potential, and it was completely wasted." My voice was thick, thinking of what we had lost. She would have been a healer not only of broken bodies, but broken souls. If Garnet were alive, she would have helped Palil, I knew.
"Surely was," Jordan said gently, reaching out to brush my hair out of my eyes.
"Some of us are all right in the military. Palil and I would probably have gone in anyway, just because it was something to do while we figured out what we wanted to do with the rest of our lives. But ones that aren't really suited for it are usually the ones who end up dying."
Jordan laid back down, slipping an arm under me. I could feel his breath on his cheek, and I shifted to fit myself into the curve of his body. "I am seriously tempted to report in that Lida and Elfrida died two days ago," he said. "Right now, who is going to know, or care?"
"Nobody. They can go to ground somewhere and wait for the worst to pass." I thought about the report, the lie we'd need to tell. Haven had thought Lida would recover from her wounds, but she was bleeding inside, and died. Elfrida followed her soon after. Nobody would question the report. "I'm going to see if Orion knows how to make divinations report that we're all dead. The fewer people who know we're still alive, the better."
"That's a good plan." We fell silent for a bit, curled up in each other's company. I had been feeling a bit shaky, but Jordan's presence was calming my nerves. I was starting to slip towards sleep when Jordan asked, "How's Palil doing?"
I took a long breath. "All right. A little bit fragile still, but she's doing a lot of thinking. She doesn't seem to be falling into a depression, she just seems sort of--quiet."
He chuckled softly. "Better than all frothy with rage."
"You're telling me. She's scared me before, but not as badly as that. I haven't seen any signs yet that she's starting to resent you again. I think that finally having it out with you was something she needed to do."
I felt him nod. "She needed something to punch. I know the feeling. Just not Gannon or you."
"Gannon would usually be a match for her, but not how he's feeling currently. I think he's still got a bit of an edge on her, strength-wise. I'm hoping this is the last time she threatens me when she's angry. She nearly threw me through a wall, the time before this one," I said with a wry twist to my smile.
"Gannon should be a match for her. He is a bit stronger, I believe, from when we spar." He tightened his arm around me briefly. "I may have just made her all the madder with my tactics, but I didn't want to hit her."
"He's a red, he'll eventually be a lot stronger than she is. I'm glad you didn't hit her. I know you could have hurt or killed her, but I trust you not to. I've been afraid what would happen if you two got into it since Eldil told me about herself, honestly." An errant breeze gusted into the tent, stirring the flap and raising goosebumps on my skin.
Jordan shrugged as best he could the way he was lying. "Nothing. She would have gotten tired sooner or later."
Wondering, I said, "I've never had the luxury of letting her exhaust herself when she's in a rage like that. I don't even know how long it would take."
"I don't either, but couldn't have been more than a few hours, I would doubt. Gannon usually gives up in about two hours."
"You've made him mad like that?"
He shook his head. "Gannon is hard to anger, really very hard to anger. I have never actually seen him mad. He was frustrated a few times and so we sparred until he felt better, about two hours to pretty much complete I-can't-move collapse."
"Good for getting the frustrations out. I was going to say, I can't really imagine Gannon getting mad like Palil does. He's always seemed very even-tempered. Well, I guess Palil does too, if you don't look too close."
"She does have that temper where all you want to do is kill." He kissed the back of my neck, his breath tickling the short hair there. "She could have killed you, and was going to."
"She would have, if you hadn't stepped in. I know." She's come close to it before, but I think that was the first time she'd actually intended to. "She was going to kill someone. Whether it was Gannon or me. She'd never have forgiven herself for killing either of us."
"No, she wouldn't have." He squeezed me gently again. "I am just sorry. I feel responsible, somehow."
"You're not." I turned in his arms, turned so I was facing him, looking him in the eye. "Trust me, Jordan. This was going to happen sometime, with someone. You happened to land right in the middle of every single one of Palil's insecurities. How much she hated you was never all or even mostly about you. It was about her. She wanted someone to blame for how she was feeling, and you were it."
The moment stretched, and then Jordan grinned. "It's a good thing you're worth it."
I laughed and kissed him for that. "Good to hear it! I think it'll get easier from here."
"So do I," he said. "She really wanted to hit me from the beginning. Now she has gotten the chance to. It might make her feel better."
I had to smile; usually, it was me who needed to hit things. It was an excellent sign, if somewhat scary, that Palil had gotten to the point of physical aggression. She'd stopped scheming, blocking her usual outlet for getting rid of her anger and her enemies. "I think it has. I suggested that she come talk to you about her not being able to control her temper. I figure if anyone's got experience with that, it's you. She seemed receptive to the idea, but it might take her a while to work up the courage to ask."
"Plenty of experience. Though I am not sure she can spend that much time in the same room as me."
I thought that perhaps Jordan was underestimating how much Palil had frightened herself today. She'd scared herself as much as she'd scared me; I knew she knew that she needed to do something about that temper of hers. Even have Jordan as a teacher. "It would be good for her, if she can manage it," I told him.
"One never knows."
"Well, right now, she's afraid you're angry with her, so it'll take her a bit to get over that." I tried so hard to be patient with her, but her latest streak of assuming everyone hated her after she'd been acting badly was starting to get tiresome. It was a phase, I knew, I'd gone through it myself a few years ago. It was still a bit annoying.
Jordan blinked. "Me angry with her, for what, really? She has every right to be angry at me. I have caused real harm to someone she loves. She hasn't to me. Bruises, maybe, but no real harm."
"She's been trying to interfere with my relationship with you from the beginning--before it even started, to tell the truth. And then she attacked Gannon, and nearly killed me. She's got her eyes open now, and she's watching well. She'll figure out you're not mad at her soon enough."
He twisted his mouth slightly. "I should probably talk to her sometime soon."
"She does want to return your sword." I looked at him, wondering what Gannon had and hadn't said. "Um, did Gannon mention what he and Palil were talking about when she got so mad?"
"Briefly. He said that he got impatient and let her have it verbally."
"It was a little more than that. She talked to Chaim about the lifespan transfer. Turns out that more than one person can contribute, and not only dragons can contribute, but any long-lived race."
Jordan's eyes suddenly went to flint. "Don't go there." His expression softened as abruptly as it had hardened, and he shook his head. "Gannon was bad enough."
I reached out, took one of his hands in mine. "And why not? If we want to do this for you, why shouldn't we?"
He was very still. "I don't want to shorten your lives. Mine was always going to be this short, and yours will span centuries. I can't take hundreds of years from you."
Oh, you and I are going to butt heads over this sometime, we are. Hopefully not today, though. "With two of us contributing, it takes about half as much from each of us. We'd all have over eight centuries, then. It's a good long life. More than a lot of people get." I smiled, a little lopsidedly. "And Gannon and I would both have you with us for much longer than we would have otherwise."
"Both true, but we have time to discuss it. It takes a year to brew, from what I understand. I don't know for sure we will both be alive."
"There's a little more of a complication to that," I said, thinking of something Palil had mentioned. "Chaim needs to key the potions to individual people about a month from now. We have some time, but not nearly that much."
Jordan sighed. "He can brew them, go ahead and if I die before then, no need to use them. If not, we can decide then." I was good and didn't smile. Jordan, love, I don't know if you really realize yet what you've gotten yourself into. I can be an incredibly stubborn bitch when I need to be. Me and Palil both.
I didn't say it, just nodded. "Anyway, the reason Gannon got snippy with Palil was because she was talking about wanting to join the transfer. He had some issues with that."
He frowned. "So would I. She'd be only doing it to appease you, and not have you die sooner than she would."
"She's terrified of winding up alone. while I do appreciate the offer on her part, she made it for all of the wrong reasons. Gannon pointed that out, along with a few other things." She hadn't let me have her recollection of what he'd said, and I knew better than to press her. I had a decent idea of what he'd said, I didn't need to make her replay it for me.
Jordan smiled wryly. "And she got mad, because they were true."
"Exactly. Gannon hit bone with that."
"And she went wild. Maybe she is over it now. Think this would be a good time to talk to her? Or wait?"
I reached out for Palil. She was calm, a calm born of emotional exhaustion, it felt like. Not talking to anyone--it felt like she was maybe reading something. "Now's as good a time as any, I think."
He took a long breath. "All right, I think this is best on my own. She knows she can't hurt me much, and I won't hurt her." He kissed me, a long slow kiss that made my toes curl, then released me and started pulling on his clothes.
"Good luck. I won't warn her you're coming. Less time for her to get nervous."
He nodded and finished dressing, and was gone without another word. I pulled my own clothes on and emerged from the tent, into the cooling evening air.
The dragons were back from hunting now, and I could hear the sound of conversation carried on the breeze. It looked like Haven and Galen were sitting together, mending harness pieces, their bondmates seated cross-legged at their feet, helping hold up the heavy leather. There was music--Lida, bent over her gittern, her thin face obscured by her soft mouse-brown hair. Smells of the dinner that had recently been cleaned up, laughter from a stream nearby.
As much as I sometimes resented what we were doing, as much as we were in terrible danger, sometimes, this life had its appeal. Good company, the occasional battle to fight or think our way around, a lover who was everything I never even thought of asking for, a purpose to our lives.
I went out into the spring evening, keeping a mental eye on Palil, but thinking that there was some harness and armor of ours that could use some repair. For now, Palil was all right, Jordan was all right, and Gannon was all right. I could forget the world for an hour or so.
Palil:
Behind me, someone male cleared their throat.
I started, then straightened and turned. It was Jordan. "Jordan. I wasn't expecting you quite so soon."
"I came to see how you were doing," he said, and I blinked in confusion. "Not to get my sword back," he added.
Guess you don't forgive me, then, I thought. "I'm doing as well as can be expected, I guess, considering my actions earlier." I'd been sitting leaning against a tree, and I slowly climbed to my feet.
"I am sorry, Palil, for all the pain I have caused you. Now, and when we were in school," Jordan said.
There was a tightness in my throat, pain at the back of my eyes. "You haven't done anything wrong, now, really. You've made Sondirra happy, and that I can be grateful for. When we were in school, well...I think I've gotten it finally pounded into my head that it isn't going to happen again. Myself, I've been acting very childish recently, and I'm sorry."
Jordan spread his hands. "It won't, you have my word, such as it is. There is no need for you to be sorry. I caused most of this." He looked tired too, I thought. It had been an exhausting few days in any number of ways, for all of us.
"I could have reacted to it with far more grace. I thought you were going to take Sondirra away from me." My smile was tentative, but it was there. "Are we going to stand around apologizing to each other all day? I think we're both sorry."
He returned my smile. "Nope, just didn't want you to be any madder at me than you already were. I can't take Sondirra away from you, no more than you can take Gannon from me or me from him. She is your best friend and sister in all respects. I can't replace either of those. I can just be something to her that you can't. Her lover."
I nodded, acknowledging the truth. "True. She does need both of us, in different ways. I'm not the center of her world any more, and that's as it should be. I'm still important to her."
"Yes, you are. It doesn't make you any less important because I'm important to her too."
"Took me a while to get that figured out. Like I said, I've been acting very childish." I took a long breath, suddenly wishing with all my heart that Garnet were still alive. Or that I could talk to Paquita. I shook my head. "And no, I'm really not angry with you, any more."
Half-smile from Jordan. "Good, because that would be futile."
I surprised myself by laughing. "So I've learned! I have to say, that was really quite impressive."
He inclined his head. "Thanks. It took me a long time learn to do that. Gannon nailed me many times trying to stop him in sparring contests."
"It's a little strange to think about you being stronger than he is. I guess Gannon's used to it." I tried to imagine Sondirra being that much stronger than I was, and shook my head. It really wasn't the proper order of things.
"He got used to it. He was a bit squeamish the first time I scooped him up in human form and then had him transform into dragon form just to see if I could hold him."
"I bet!" This conversation was getting easier as time went on. It helped that we had some things in common that weren't quite as contentious as my bondmate--Gannon, for one. "I take it he didn't crush you, since you're still here."
"Nope, worked just fine. Oddly, he was a bit scared of heights, for some reason. I think it was just lack of control."
Silently, I wondered about that, but buried the thought. "Probably. I've occasionally had a bit of the same thing when mountain climbing. Flying's a lot different than dangling over a crevasse." I took a long breath. "By the way--I do want to give your sword back to you. But I don't know if you'd accept it."
It was a moment or two before he responded. "I know it's going to be a long road to friends for us, if ever. But peace, for now." He extended his hand towards me. "I am not trying to take Sondirra away, just share her." I looked at that outstretched hand. I'd offered truce, before. This was a more permanent peace.
Slowly, I extended my own hand, and shook Jordan's. "Peace, then."
Jordan let go of my hand, and said, "Do I believe you forgive me, maybe. Do I believe you forgive yourself, no. Let's rework the deal. Give it back when you forgive yourself."
I dropped my gaze to the ground, pressing my fist against my mouth as a prickle of unexpected pain swept through me. When it passed and I could trust my voice again, I said, "Forgiving myself...is going to take a little while longer. But all right."
He nodded. "Goodnight, Palil. Try not to worry about it. You have other things to worry about, Major, like a new government."
I was pretty sure my smile was more tired than anything else. "Little things like revolution. Thanks, I'll do my best."
"And by the way, I won't hurt her or you for any reason ever again, if I can help it." His voice was steady and sure, as if he were swearing an oath.
My eyes met his, and for a moment I didn't say anything. Then I nodded. "You know, Jordan, I'm pretty sure I believe you. Which is something, in and of itself."
He turned then, and left without another word.
I put my back against the tree, closed my eyes, and turned my face up to the darkening sky. A long, slow breath escaped me. I've got to put my back into this growing-up business. Maybe I'll have some leisure to take it up after we've finished overthrowing the government, I thought to myself. I have a feeling the next few months are going to be busy.
I wished I could do something just about then. Go talk to someone who would understand, go sit next to Gannon in silence, spend some time in silent communion with Sondirra. It was all I could do to lean against this tree in the deepening twilight, curious mosquitoes whining around my head.
All I could do right then was send a wordless prayer to Karop, asking the god to grant me the insight to find out how to forgive myself, to become less dangerous to those around me.
There was no answer, but I thought that the silence was an understanding one.
Sondirra:
I was almost asleep, lying on my stomach with nothing but a shirt on. We'd come back here after finishing talking to Orion for the moment. I knew what our teammates likely thought we were up to, but nothing of the sort was going on. I'd needed comfort, and Jordan had silently provided it, holding me while I shook through the last of the reaction to Palil's unexpected attack on me. Jordan was sitting now next to me on the bedroll, evidently lost in his own thoughts. He was tracing a hand along my body almost absently, down my back over one hip, to my thigh. His hand found and began to trace the scar on the back of my left thigh.
I flinched.
I'd come abruptly awake in the moment he'd touched that scar, and I tried to belatedly hide my reaction by stretching and rolling to one hip. I glanced up at him, and one look told me that I wasn't fooling anyone.
"Does it still hurt?" Jordan asked, his voice soft.
I shook my head, drawing my foot upward, hiding--protecting--the scar. "It healed well. It's barely even stiff, even in the mornings, these days."
"It looked like it hurt you."
I considered my response, thinking briefly about how, despite all of the people I'd had in my bed, none of them had ever been allowed to touch that scar. "It's an ugly thing," I said, honestly. "A lot uglier than most of my scars. It might work just fine, but it looks and feels like hell." The scar had knotted along its length, the skin pulled awkwardly this way and that by it.
"And it's a reminder of what happened, that day. And all the days before it." Jordan's voice held bleeding wounds in it, guilt, self-recrimination. "What I did to you."
"Hey, now, I see a few scars I gave you. That nice one on your shoulder, for instance." That was a long, thin one, punctuated on either side by newer scars, Andromeda's work. "And that slash on your side. I gave as good as I got, Jordan. Don't ever think that it was just something you were doing to me. We were kids, we were stupid, it happens."
He shook his head. "It's a nice thought, Sondirra, but I know better. If I hadn't been so mean, you wouldn't have that scar."
"And if you hadn't been so mean, the rest of us wouldn't have found ways to fight back that used our brains more than our fists. What's done is done." I shifted, coming up to a sitting position, folding my legs under me. "You know you have my forgiveness." I shrugged. "I probably could have defused the situation, if I'd thought of it. I could have even left--I'm a better rock climber than you were, and I did have my back to my practice wall. But I didn't." I gave him a wry smile. "And you had an unexpected surge of strength and speed, so Eldil told me. You probably would have banged me around pretty good if you hadn't, but you wouldn't have almost killed me."
Jordan was flushing, turned away from me. "I didn't want you to know about that. It seems like an excuse. I still chose my actions in that moment. I knew that I'd been having problems with control."
"And I'd pissed you off something fierce." I shrugged awkwardly. "Like I said. What's done is done. It's over with."
"Then why did you act like I'd burned you when I touched the scar?"
I looked down. Let out a long breath. Thought about it. "I don't know," I finally admitted. "I've just...never liked having anyone look at it, or touch it."
His hand touched my shoulder, and tentatively slid across my upper back. I leaned into him. "I think it's less over and done with than you'd like to think, love," he said, quietly.
I didn't answer except to close my eyes. Everything felt very tangled up inside of me just then. I'd never thought about why that scar in particular was the one I hid. The rest of my scars I could show off, point them out to lovers and laugh about the brave or stupid thing I'd been doing when I got them. Even my mismatched eyes, I was almost proud of. I'd lost the eye and survived the regeneration. It was an accomplishment.
It should have been an accomplishment to survive the scar on my thigh, as well. Not only had I survived, I had full use of the leg. It was no less ugly than a few of the others, though larger than the rest.
Then why was I ashamed of this scar?
There was no answer forthcoming. "Maybe. I can't tell you why, because I don't know. Maybe somewhere I thought you were trying to come to me for help, and I taunted you into attacking me. Maybe it was just the whole stupid thing with you and me and Gannon and Palil coming to a head." I took a long breath. "Do you want to see it?"
I felt him stiffen in surprise. "You'd show me?"
"Do one thing that scares you every day, right?"
He nodded shallowly. "I think I should see it. To see the results of my--handiwork." He said that last word like it hurt.
I wiggled away from him, laying down on my stomach once again, pillowing my head on my arms. I could see him out of the corner of my eye, just barely. I felt him lay his hand on the curve of my hip again, and tried not to tense up. I trusted him. He wasn't going to hurt me. And his hand felt nice there, a light, warm presence on my skin, sword calluses scratching pleasantly.
Carefully, slowly, he began to move his hand a little, down towards the scar shaped like the outer curve of a dragon's wing. I felt the first tense prickling of fear in my scalp, and to defuse it, I started talking.
"I was scared," I said. "Scared not just of what you might have done to me, but more scared of the look that Yuri always got on his face when he found out that you and I had been fighting again. Of coming back beaten bloody yet again, of being made to look like a weakling girl again in front of my teammates. They never saw me that way, they'd all fought you at some point, but I still hated to lose face. I had my pride, and Palil, and that was about it." His hand had reached my scar, and I felt the peculiar sensation of the numb scar surrounded by the tingling skin to either side.
I stopped talking. There was something. Something about that day that I didn't like to think about, something that was entwined with the blood and the shouting and the pain. Something I'd kept secret from even Palil, and tried to forget.
Something about what had happened before Jordan had arrived--
Nausea hit me, and forgetting that I was trying to relax, I curled into a ball. I shut my eyes tight, squeezing tears from the corners of them. "Ah, no..."
I felt Jordan wrap his warm, solid body around mine. I curled up even tighter. "What is it, love?" he asked, his voice worried. "Are you all right?"
"I remember," I said, feeling as if something were squeezing my chest tightly, leaving me breathless. "That day--I remember."
"What?"
I shook my head. "No. I can't tell you. Not this."
"You can tell me anything, Sondirra," he said, quietly. He kissed the back of my neck. "What is it?"
It seemed like a long time before I could speak again. When I did, my voice was hesitant and faltering. "That day was--well, things had been pretty bad between us for a while there. We were fighting something like every week. Neither of us could turn around without the other there making snide remarks or whatever."
I felt him nod. "I remember."
"I was tired of it. All I wanted at that point, really, was for you to go away for a while so I could finish school without feeling like I fighting this endless battle with you all the time. I didn't know how to stop it, so I came up with a plan to remove you from the picture." I took a long breath. "I know I had a reputation for being kind of easy in school. I also had a reputation for being entirely honest. I thought I could use both of those things. I hatched a plan, and I didn't even tell Palil. It wouldn't have worked if she'd known about it." I fell silent. The nausea was still with me, and I knew it was because I was terrified.
"What was it?" Jordan asked. "It can't have been that bad. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to kill me."
I shook my head. "Worse than that." My breath was coming to me hard. "I'd made a friend in one of the towns we sometimes went to on field trips. Her dad was an alchemist, he made drugs for the military. She brought me something one day that she'd filched from her dad's stuff. It was a batch of experimental truth serum that hadn't quite worked out. Basically, what it did was make the person it was given to at first really impressionable and cooperative, but then it made them really violent. She grabbed it for me because we'd been talking about poisons the last time I visited."
"And the plan was?"
I clenched my fists. Say it, Sondirra. Just spit it out. "I loaded a dart with the poison, and stashed it on the top of the rock I used as a practice wall. I figured nobody would find it there. Then I started baiting you, hard. I wanted to piss you off enough that you'd come after me. I was going to climb to the top of the rock and wait, and when you came into the clearing I'd hit you with the dart. Once the drug took effect, I was, um..." I clenched my teeth. "I was going to disarrange both of our clothing. Give you some nail marks, as if you'd grabbed me and I'd been fighting you. Give myself a couple of good whacks and scrapes, make it look like you'd knocked me around. Then I was going to run like hell back to school. Claim you tried to rape me. By the time Yuri and Kathryn got there, you'd have been in the violent phase of the drug, which would have made you look guilty as hell. You wouldn't have remembered a thing afterwards, and Palil would have backed me up. They'd have kicked you out, maybe made you spend a few years rotting in prison first."
"Or if they thought I was going to be too dangerous, they would have executed me," he said.
I nodded miserably. "But the day I finally got you to follow me, you were after me too soon. I didn't have a chance to climb the rock and get the bag. I had my back to the wall, and I lost my temper. With what happened afterward, I completely forgot all about my plan. I never even saw my friend who'd given me the drug again." I frowned. "Funny thing, though. I climbed that rock a lot after I recovered from the wound. I don't remember seeing that bag anywhere again, and I was up there a lot." I used the back of my hand to rub my eyes. "I'd have told a huge lie to get you out, one that would have stuck with you for the rest of your life. And you'd probably have always wondered if you had actually done it." Shame was a burn in my middle, a physical presence in my stomach. "I guess, somewhere, I remembered that plan, remembered the lie I was going to tell, the horrible thing I was planning to do to you. The scar reminded me of it."
He wrapped his arms tightly around me, and for a minute neither of us spoke. "It was a plan that never went off," Jordan said. "I'd probably feel differently about it if I had been kicked out or jailed because of it, but I wasn't. I did a lot of awful things. You tried one, and didn't manage to pull it off. I should just be glad you didn't have a year of MI experience behind you when you tried it. Now, you'd probably manage it." His voice was warm, and I began to relax.
Jordan's hand wandered down again, and this time when he touched my scar, I didn't flinch. He rested his hand on it, and I tensed and then began to relax. I took a long breath, and let it out. "When they put me in the little infirmary room all by myself, I was so lonely. I hadn't been alone in ten years, at that point, and I couldn't get Palil in. My teammates came to visit, and some of the rest, but they had classes, and I was down for three weeks healing. Funny thing, though. Someone who's seen your full records mentioned that you got thrown out of my room every morning for those three weeks. Something about holding my hand while I slept, trying to keep me company."
Jordan's hand froze on my leg. "I didn't know you knew."
"I didn't until recently. It feels really weird now that I remember what I'd planned to do. Here I was planning this horrid fate for you, and there you were, trying to be nice to me in your way."
"You're not the only one with a head full of pride. I wanted to apologize to you so badly, to tell you I was sorry things had gotten so bad. But I never could figure out what to say, or how to say it. To be honest, half of me was sort of hoping you'd wake up and demand to know what I was doing there. You never did, though."
"The stuff they were feeding me had something to do with it," I told him. "So what was the other half of you up to?"
His voice was a bit rueful. "The other half of me was too busy watching you sleep to worry about much of anything."
I laughed and turned in his arms, tickling him ruthlessly. I'd recently discovered that Jordan had a few ticklish spots, and I exploited them for all I was worth. When we collapsed together, me partially on top of him, he kissed me, still laughing. "What can I say? I was nineteen, and you're beautiful enough to watch all the time."
I rolled off of him and propped myself up on one elbow. "Why were you there in the first place? Just happened to wander into a locked infirmary after midnight?"
He made a face and sat up. "Not precisely. After I took my stripes that afternoon--that was the worst thrashing I got while I was in school--I walked into Yuri's office. Still bleeding from the stripes, as I recall. I told him exactly what happened, that I'd been mad at you and hunted you down, and lost my temper, and told him that I couldn't stay in the military any more. I couldn't continue, if I was capable of killing people with my anger. It wasn't the way of the military, to have a bunch of hotheads running around. I told him about Eldil, too. I pretty much spilled my guts to him. Then I tried to quit."
"What did he say?" I asked.
"He told me that I couldn't quit, because I'd be rogue and a target for the hunters. He could transfer me to #4, which is where I should have gone anyway. Then he said--I still remember him sitting there, looking at me from across that big desk of his--he said, 'Jordan, you hurt the ones you love sometimes.' Then he dismissed me. Never brought it up again. But when I couldn't sleep that night and showed up at the door of the infirmary, he was there. He unlocked the door and let me in without a word." Jordan shook his head. "That was the beginning of me really knowing about my feelings for you. I sat there nights, holding your hand, trying to keep you company."
I was smiling. Yuri and Kathryn had been teachers half of forever. They'd known everything, it seemed. "I remember, things got a lot better after that. We'd still cream each other in practice, but I wasn't having to jump at shadows any more. And I quit trying to hatch plans to get you kicked out."
"It took me a few years to get it all sorted out. I was hoping I could just be military and think about women later. I never could quite get you out of my head, though."
"And then I kept on showing up wherever you were," I said, smiling.
"I couldn't shake the feelings, and when I finally decided to give up on denying them, I looked up and you were with Oberan. By that time, a life in the military was a lot less appealing. I decided I wanted something more like my father has--the land, the company of good people. No more killing, no more intrigue."
I folded my arms, rolled so I was lying with my chin propped on my hands. "That's sounding more and more appealing, love. Why were you at #2 instead of #4, anyway?"
Jordan made a wry face. "My father, and his father, and his father before him, and so on down the line, all went to #4. My family's got a reputation there. I was trying to go somewhere that nobody would know who me or Gannon were. I requested #2, much to Gannon's chagrin at the time. He liked the warm nights and mild winters. Instead, we got frigid mountains year-round."
"That's pretty far from his family, and we didn't have any other red dragons in our class. He must have felt pretty isolated."
"He did, but he got used to it. Besides, living up to his own family's reputation at #4 would have been a strain on him."
"He's not much like the rest of them, that's for sure. Maybe he'll find more things to laugh about, some day." I snuggled up to Jordan, draping an arm over his chest. "So now all you need to do is survive, and hope that the rest of us survive. Oh, yeah, and help put a new government in place. That little thing."
I was chuckling, but Jordan wasn't. "Honestly? I couldn't care less about the whole government thing. My goal is to make sure Gannon, you, and Palil survive, and then retire, governments be damned. Home is an estate with twelve old red dragons living on it. I'm not all that worried."
I snorted. "I guess I'm not used to the idea of being able to just turn my back on the government. I'm from a village in the middle of nowhere, though. And I kind of like the idea of helping revolution along."
"The only thing I really care about is that Reuben dies. I don't care who takes over, Gada or Isla or someone else, like Chaim."
"Isla would be a terrible person to take over. I think everyone's pretty much agreed on the whole Reuben needs to die thing, though. There's an elf who's overstayed his welcome in the world, and it might be that we're the ones who'll show him the door. But Isla would probably be as bad as Reuben, if she had his resources. Maybe a bit better, because she's not as smart as he is, but she's almost as ruthless."
"Mmm. True. Food shortages wouldn't be an issue with her. Besides, with Yafa and Reuben both dead, who's she going to fight with?"
"Gada, probably. Not entirely sure Gada's not up to something, either."
He shrugged and shifted a bit. "Me either, but a dictator is a dictator is a dictator. Until you rule by council, it's going to be the same thing over and over again."
I made a face. "And the problem with councils is that they take forever to get anything done, and one council alone couldn't really take care of the whole world."
"Nope, it would have to be regional governments and one world government they have to answer to."
"Preferably a civil government," I said, warming to the idea. "I think I've had enough military rule to last one lifetime. The question would be how we'd choose people to be part of that. In the end, it might come down to us to kick this off."
"The government appoints mayors now, just have people vote for them instead. Let them be the regional government."
I raised my head, frowning. "That's kind of a weird thought. Isn't that what the frost giants used to do?"
"Yes, it is. Their system was right but flawed." I chuckled. So much for Jordan not caring less about the government.
I thought about the history lessons we'd all been taught. "They didn't let the dragons or the other humanoids have any say, it was only the frost giants who voted. So the dragons decided that they'd had enough and wiped out the frost giants." At least, that was the story that was always told.
"Yep, and anything that can speak a language or at least think one at you should be able to vote if they want."
I took his point, but I almost laughed. The portals would get to vote. So would every dragon artifact in the world. I spun the thought out a little farther. "And then those people send people of their choice to the world government? Well, it probably stands at least a chance of working. Going to make a lot of people's heads spin, though."
"Pretty much. It's got kinks, like being slow to make decisions and so on, but its not a military dictatorship."
I flopped over onto my back, letting out a sigh. "The whole military dictatorship thing worked for a while, but it's pretty much broken down at this point. and I think I've had enough of having every dragon and bondmate who get paired up have to go through military training, and then having something like a quarter of them die in their first two years."
Jordan raised himself up on one elbow, shaking his head. "Yes, what have we lost because of that? Great thinkers, mages, clerics, people that could have made a big difference, now forced to fight and die. Wasteful. Lida is one of them. She could be a great musician. As it is, she's a prodigy. But here she is, fighting and dying. Coping by taking drugs for the horrors she has seen."
I nodded, thinking about how fragile the bard seemed, even now. "Is that what got her into that? I wondered. There's Haven, too. If he weren't so busy trying to fix up the wounded, he could spend a lot more time coming up with interesting new things for people, like the migraine thing he did for me. And Garnet. Garnet had such potential, and it was completely wasted." My voice was thick, thinking of what we had lost. She would have been a healer not only of broken bodies, but broken souls. If Garnet were alive, she would have helped Palil, I knew.
"Surely was," Jordan said gently, reaching out to brush my hair out of my eyes.
"Some of us are all right in the military. Palil and I would probably have gone in anyway, just because it was something to do while we figured out what we wanted to do with the rest of our lives. But ones that aren't really suited for it are usually the ones who end up dying."
Jordan laid back down, slipping an arm under me. I could feel his breath on his cheek, and I shifted to fit myself into the curve of his body. "I am seriously tempted to report in that Lida and Elfrida died two days ago," he said. "Right now, who is going to know, or care?"
"Nobody. They can go to ground somewhere and wait for the worst to pass." I thought about the report, the lie we'd need to tell. Haven had thought Lida would recover from her wounds, but she was bleeding inside, and died. Elfrida followed her soon after. Nobody would question the report. "I'm going to see if Orion knows how to make divinations report that we're all dead. The fewer people who know we're still alive, the better."
"That's a good plan." We fell silent for a bit, curled up in each other's company. I had been feeling a bit shaky, but Jordan's presence was calming my nerves. I was starting to slip towards sleep when Jordan asked, "How's Palil doing?"
I took a long breath. "All right. A little bit fragile still, but she's doing a lot of thinking. She doesn't seem to be falling into a depression, she just seems sort of--quiet."
He chuckled softly. "Better than all frothy with rage."
"You're telling me. She's scared me before, but not as badly as that. I haven't seen any signs yet that she's starting to resent you again. I think that finally having it out with you was something she needed to do."
I felt him nod. "She needed something to punch. I know the feeling. Just not Gannon or you."
"Gannon would usually be a match for her, but not how he's feeling currently. I think he's still got a bit of an edge on her, strength-wise. I'm hoping this is the last time she threatens me when she's angry. She nearly threw me through a wall, the time before this one," I said with a wry twist to my smile.
"Gannon should be a match for her. He is a bit stronger, I believe, from when we spar." He tightened his arm around me briefly. "I may have just made her all the madder with my tactics, but I didn't want to hit her."
"He's a red, he'll eventually be a lot stronger than she is. I'm glad you didn't hit her. I know you could have hurt or killed her, but I trust you not to. I've been afraid what would happen if you two got into it since Eldil told me about herself, honestly." An errant breeze gusted into the tent, stirring the flap and raising goosebumps on my skin.
Jordan shrugged as best he could the way he was lying. "Nothing. She would have gotten tired sooner or later."
Wondering, I said, "I've never had the luxury of letting her exhaust herself when she's in a rage like that. I don't even know how long it would take."
"I don't either, but couldn't have been more than a few hours, I would doubt. Gannon usually gives up in about two hours."
"You've made him mad like that?"
He shook his head. "Gannon is hard to anger, really very hard to anger. I have never actually seen him mad. He was frustrated a few times and so we sparred until he felt better, about two hours to pretty much complete I-can't-move collapse."
"Good for getting the frustrations out. I was going to say, I can't really imagine Gannon getting mad like Palil does. He's always seemed very even-tempered. Well, I guess Palil does too, if you don't look too close."
"She does have that temper where all you want to do is kill." He kissed the back of my neck, his breath tickling the short hair there. "She could have killed you, and was going to."
"She would have, if you hadn't stepped in. I know." She's come close to it before, but I think that was the first time she'd actually intended to. "She was going to kill someone. Whether it was Gannon or me. She'd never have forgiven herself for killing either of us."
"No, she wouldn't have." He squeezed me gently again. "I am just sorry. I feel responsible, somehow."
"You're not." I turned in his arms, turned so I was facing him, looking him in the eye. "Trust me, Jordan. This was going to happen sometime, with someone. You happened to land right in the middle of every single one of Palil's insecurities. How much she hated you was never all or even mostly about you. It was about her. She wanted someone to blame for how she was feeling, and you were it."
The moment stretched, and then Jordan grinned. "It's a good thing you're worth it."
I laughed and kissed him for that. "Good to hear it! I think it'll get easier from here."
"So do I," he said. "She really wanted to hit me from the beginning. Now she has gotten the chance to. It might make her feel better."
I had to smile; usually, it was me who needed to hit things. It was an excellent sign, if somewhat scary, that Palil had gotten to the point of physical aggression. She'd stopped scheming, blocking her usual outlet for getting rid of her anger and her enemies. "I think it has. I suggested that she come talk to you about her not being able to control her temper. I figure if anyone's got experience with that, it's you. She seemed receptive to the idea, but it might take her a while to work up the courage to ask."
"Plenty of experience. Though I am not sure she can spend that much time in the same room as me."
I thought that perhaps Jordan was underestimating how much Palil had frightened herself today. She'd scared herself as much as she'd scared me; I knew she knew that she needed to do something about that temper of hers. Even have Jordan as a teacher. "It would be good for her, if she can manage it," I told him.
"One never knows."
"Well, right now, she's afraid you're angry with her, so it'll take her a bit to get over that." I tried so hard to be patient with her, but her latest streak of assuming everyone hated her after she'd been acting badly was starting to get tiresome. It was a phase, I knew, I'd gone through it myself a few years ago. It was still a bit annoying.
Jordan blinked. "Me angry with her, for what, really? She has every right to be angry at me. I have caused real harm to someone she loves. She hasn't to me. Bruises, maybe, but no real harm."
"She's been trying to interfere with my relationship with you from the beginning--before it even started, to tell the truth. And then she attacked Gannon, and nearly killed me. She's got her eyes open now, and she's watching well. She'll figure out you're not mad at her soon enough."
He twisted his mouth slightly. "I should probably talk to her sometime soon."
"She does want to return your sword." I looked at him, wondering what Gannon had and hadn't said. "Um, did Gannon mention what he and Palil were talking about when she got so mad?"
"Briefly. He said that he got impatient and let her have it verbally."
"It was a little more than that. She talked to Chaim about the lifespan transfer. Turns out that more than one person can contribute, and not only dragons can contribute, but any long-lived race."
Jordan's eyes suddenly went to flint. "Don't go there." His expression softened as abruptly as it had hardened, and he shook his head. "Gannon was bad enough."
I reached out, took one of his hands in mine. "And why not? If we want to do this for you, why shouldn't we?"
He was very still. "I don't want to shorten your lives. Mine was always going to be this short, and yours will span centuries. I can't take hundreds of years from you."
Oh, you and I are going to butt heads over this sometime, we are. Hopefully not today, though. "With two of us contributing, it takes about half as much from each of us. We'd all have over eight centuries, then. It's a good long life. More than a lot of people get." I smiled, a little lopsidedly. "And Gannon and I would both have you with us for much longer than we would have otherwise."
"Both true, but we have time to discuss it. It takes a year to brew, from what I understand. I don't know for sure we will both be alive."
"There's a little more of a complication to that," I said, thinking of something Palil had mentioned. "Chaim needs to key the potions to individual people about a month from now. We have some time, but not nearly that much."
Jordan sighed. "He can brew them, go ahead and if I die before then, no need to use them. If not, we can decide then." I was good and didn't smile. Jordan, love, I don't know if you really realize yet what you've gotten yourself into. I can be an incredibly stubborn bitch when I need to be. Me and Palil both.
I didn't say it, just nodded. "Anyway, the reason Gannon got snippy with Palil was because she was talking about wanting to join the transfer. He had some issues with that."
He frowned. "So would I. She'd be only doing it to appease you, and not have you die sooner than she would."
"She's terrified of winding up alone. while I do appreciate the offer on her part, she made it for all of the wrong reasons. Gannon pointed that out, along with a few other things." She hadn't let me have her recollection of what he'd said, and I knew better than to press her. I had a decent idea of what he'd said, I didn't need to make her replay it for me.
Jordan smiled wryly. "And she got mad, because they were true."
"Exactly. Gannon hit bone with that."
"And she went wild. Maybe she is over it now. Think this would be a good time to talk to her? Or wait?"
I reached out for Palil. She was calm, a calm born of emotional exhaustion, it felt like. Not talking to anyone--it felt like she was maybe reading something. "Now's as good a time as any, I think."
He took a long breath. "All right, I think this is best on my own. She knows she can't hurt me much, and I won't hurt her." He kissed me, a long slow kiss that made my toes curl, then released me and started pulling on his clothes.
"Good luck. I won't warn her you're coming. Less time for her to get nervous."
He nodded and finished dressing, and was gone without another word. I pulled my own clothes on and emerged from the tent, into the cooling evening air.
The dragons were back from hunting now, and I could hear the sound of conversation carried on the breeze. It looked like Haven and Galen were sitting together, mending harness pieces, their bondmates seated cross-legged at their feet, helping hold up the heavy leather. There was music--Lida, bent over her gittern, her thin face obscured by her soft mouse-brown hair. Smells of the dinner that had recently been cleaned up, laughter from a stream nearby.
As much as I sometimes resented what we were doing, as much as we were in terrible danger, sometimes, this life had its appeal. Good company, the occasional battle to fight or think our way around, a lover who was everything I never even thought of asking for, a purpose to our lives.
I went out into the spring evening, keeping a mental eye on Palil, but thinking that there was some harness and armor of ours that could use some repair. For now, Palil was all right, Jordan was all right, and Gannon was all right. I could forget the world for an hour or so.
Palil:
Behind me, someone male cleared their throat.
I started, then straightened and turned. It was Jordan. "Jordan. I wasn't expecting you quite so soon."
"I came to see how you were doing," he said, and I blinked in confusion. "Not to get my sword back," he added.
Guess you don't forgive me, then, I thought. "I'm doing as well as can be expected, I guess, considering my actions earlier." I'd been sitting leaning against a tree, and I slowly climbed to my feet.
"I am sorry, Palil, for all the pain I have caused you. Now, and when we were in school," Jordan said.
There was a tightness in my throat, pain at the back of my eyes. "You haven't done anything wrong, now, really. You've made Sondirra happy, and that I can be grateful for. When we were in school, well...I think I've gotten it finally pounded into my head that it isn't going to happen again. Myself, I've been acting very childish recently, and I'm sorry."
Jordan spread his hands. "It won't, you have my word, such as it is. There is no need for you to be sorry. I caused most of this." He looked tired too, I thought. It had been an exhausting few days in any number of ways, for all of us.
"I could have reacted to it with far more grace. I thought you were going to take Sondirra away from me." My smile was tentative, but it was there. "Are we going to stand around apologizing to each other all day? I think we're both sorry."
He returned my smile. "Nope, just didn't want you to be any madder at me than you already were. I can't take Sondirra away from you, no more than you can take Gannon from me or me from him. She is your best friend and sister in all respects. I can't replace either of those. I can just be something to her that you can't. Her lover."
I nodded, acknowledging the truth. "True. She does need both of us, in different ways. I'm not the center of her world any more, and that's as it should be. I'm still important to her."
"Yes, you are. It doesn't make you any less important because I'm important to her too."
"Took me a while to get that figured out. Like I said, I've been acting very childish." I took a long breath, suddenly wishing with all my heart that Garnet were still alive. Or that I could talk to Paquita. I shook my head. "And no, I'm really not angry with you, any more."
Half-smile from Jordan. "Good, because that would be futile."
I surprised myself by laughing. "So I've learned! I have to say, that was really quite impressive."
He inclined his head. "Thanks. It took me a long time learn to do that. Gannon nailed me many times trying to stop him in sparring contests."
"It's a little strange to think about you being stronger than he is. I guess Gannon's used to it." I tried to imagine Sondirra being that much stronger than I was, and shook my head. It really wasn't the proper order of things.
"He got used to it. He was a bit squeamish the first time I scooped him up in human form and then had him transform into dragon form just to see if I could hold him."
"I bet!" This conversation was getting easier as time went on. It helped that we had some things in common that weren't quite as contentious as my bondmate--Gannon, for one. "I take it he didn't crush you, since you're still here."
"Nope, worked just fine. Oddly, he was a bit scared of heights, for some reason. I think it was just lack of control."
Silently, I wondered about that, but buried the thought. "Probably. I've occasionally had a bit of the same thing when mountain climbing. Flying's a lot different than dangling over a crevasse." I took a long breath. "By the way--I do want to give your sword back to you. But I don't know if you'd accept it."
It was a moment or two before he responded. "I know it's going to be a long road to friends for us, if ever. But peace, for now." He extended his hand towards me. "I am not trying to take Sondirra away, just share her." I looked at that outstretched hand. I'd offered truce, before. This was a more permanent peace.
Slowly, I extended my own hand, and shook Jordan's. "Peace, then."
Jordan let go of my hand, and said, "Do I believe you forgive me, maybe. Do I believe you forgive yourself, no. Let's rework the deal. Give it back when you forgive yourself."
I dropped my gaze to the ground, pressing my fist against my mouth as a prickle of unexpected pain swept through me. When it passed and I could trust my voice again, I said, "Forgiving myself...is going to take a little while longer. But all right."
He nodded. "Goodnight, Palil. Try not to worry about it. You have other things to worry about, Major, like a new government."
I was pretty sure my smile was more tired than anything else. "Little things like revolution. Thanks, I'll do my best."
"And by the way, I won't hurt her or you for any reason ever again, if I can help it." His voice was steady and sure, as if he were swearing an oath.
My eyes met his, and for a moment I didn't say anything. Then I nodded. "You know, Jordan, I'm pretty sure I believe you. Which is something, in and of itself."
He turned then, and left without another word.
I put my back against the tree, closed my eyes, and turned my face up to the darkening sky. A long, slow breath escaped me. I've got to put my back into this growing-up business. Maybe I'll have some leisure to take it up after we've finished overthrowing the government, I thought to myself. I have a feeling the next few months are going to be busy.
I wished I could do something just about then. Go talk to someone who would understand, go sit next to Gannon in silence, spend some time in silent communion with Sondirra. It was all I could do to lean against this tree in the deepening twilight, curious mosquitoes whining around my head.
All I could do right then was send a wordless prayer to Karop, asking the god to grant me the insight to find out how to forgive myself, to become less dangerous to those around me.
There was no answer, but I thought that the silence was an understanding one.
