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aithneThis is one of those stories that started bothering me the moment the situation that engendered it occurred. All sorts of angst, as well as decision that's probably long overdue.
When Sitefnut woke, it was in a dark place with softness beneath her. She blinked and realized that somehow she and Isu had been transported into the room in the doorknob that they habitually used. Evidently, she and Isu had fallen asleep after--
Oh.
The wound opened anew as she remembered what had happened, and why she and Isu had been sobbing in the garden, unable to move. She tried to get to her feet and realized that she was in hyena shape. Isu was a pale blur beside her, her bright hair spilling over her like a blanket. Evidently, they'd both fallen asleep when Isu had been in her elven form. They had switched to let Isu weep the tears that she could not as a hyena, and evidently they had both fallen asleep at about the same time. She assumed that the doorknob had decided that sleeping people belonged in beds.
Sitefnut shook her head, then applied pressure to the place in her mind that she associated with the change. They were probably getting close to the four-hour limit anyway, and she doubted that Isu would be up for doing anything much else tonight. She flowed into her human shape and then slipped out of bed, leaving Isu asleep. She was tempted for a moment to lie back down, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to fall asleep again right away, and her restlessness might wake Isu.
The moonlight in the garden outside was false, but welcome enough anyway. She raised her face to the cold light and closed her eyes. She spoke, to who knew who--the false moon, herself, anyone who might be listening. "I failed."
"If it's any help, it was a situation without a good answer." Imhotep's voice was not a surprise, nor was his image fading in beside her. "The choices that Reneb laid out were the only two. Even if he couldn't control you, he would have made every moment of what little life you had left a misery."
"I know. But now I'm left with this." Her voice was quiet, a little distant. "I was not aware anything could hurt quite as much as this."
"I wish I could tell you that the pain will quickly fade, but it's not going to." Grief was written in the lines of his face, and Sitefnut remembered that he, too, was in the bond that held her strange little pack together, had felt Usi die as she had.
Sitefnut swallowed. The place where Usi had been was a raw, open wound, a whistling emptiness. To live with this--her mind shied away from the thought. She kept reaching out for Usi and Isu, and kept being shocked by only one mind answering. Something within her did not believe this, not yet, despite the fact that she had seen him die.
She shivered, despite the fact that the air inside the doorknob was balmy. "I have watched my children die," she said. "Death has touched me before. Why does this hurt so much more?"
"Think about it, love. Until now, you had never really allowed yourself to trust another being. Once you trust, once you love--" He shrugged again. "The price of love is sometimes loss."
For a long moment, she just looked at him, black eyes sharpening in a glare. Then she turned and stalked away down the long garden, leaving him behind. When the god caught up with her, she said, "There are things that shouldn't have to be paid for, Imhotep. But I can't go back now."
"You still have Isu."
"And she has me. And I will protect her with every breath in my body--and hope that there are no more Renebs." Sitefnut was shaking, and in a distant part of her mind she wondered why.
They were silent for a few minutes, Sitefnut kicking at rocks, sending them skittering. Into that silence, Imhotep asked carefully, "And what are you going to do about Raam?"
Her mouth tightened, her lips pressing together in a firm line. "He did nothing wrong. He did what he needed to do, and it was the right thing. But I don't think I'm going to be able to look at him for a long time without seeing him kill Usi all over again." She swiftly bent and picked up one of the rocks she'd been kicking, and threw it hard into the bushes. "Grrrbek, too." Another rock; this one pinged off a low stone wall. In her chest, a fire was building, burning brightly. Her voice was filled with that scorching heat. "I am so angry at them, and they do not deserve it!"
Warned by the fire in her voice, Imhotep took a step back. Seeing his movement, she whirled to face him. If she'd been in hyena form, her ears would have been flattened to her neck and her head would have been held low. "And you. You did nothing. You watched the Rememberer die, and you did nothing."
Imhotep held up one hand. "Two things. First, Rememberer did not die. Usi transferred his half to Isu before he was forced out of his body. Reneb would not have gotten what he wanted that way. Second, I cannot help you unless you allow me."
The fire banked as Sitefnut's curiosity kicked in. "And to allow you to help me, I would have to...?"
"Become a priestess." His gaze was steady, holding her unflinching. "Specifically, my priestess."
The fire leaped upwards, pushed against her self-control. Something that had been at the back of her mind, a half of a thought, had coalesced. He is a god, she thought. He had said he can read the lines, make educated guesses about the future. And there was something he'd said about Reneb...
"You knew, didn't you? You knew, and you didn't tell me. You knew what Reneb was capable of, what he wanted from us, what he was going to do to Usi. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell Usi? I can't protect them from things I don't know anything about!" Her voice had risen into a shout, and she didn't care, suddenly, if she woke anyone up.
"Sitefnut." The gravity in his voice shocked her like cold water, and she checked her anger. "Yes, I knew there was a good chance that Usi would be killed. But keep this in mind, love. The strain on him was enormous. Rememberer was broken in two, the universe wasn't ready for two of them." He took a breath inward. "Usi was dying. He didn't want to tell you, and he asked me not to mention it."
Shock spilled over her. "But--did you tell him this was coming? Did he know about this possibility?"
Imhotep nodded. "He knew his time was up soon. He worked very hard to delink himself from Isu. He was hoping not to die before he was done, because if they both died you would become Rememberer."
Numbly, she said, "And evidently, that can't happen yet." She felt as if she were a very long way from her body.
"No, but now that both Chosen and Rememberer are female, it's almost done."
"And why was he dying instead of Usi? Why not both of them, if the split was the cause?"
"Usi's life powered Isu's." He'd turned slightly away from her, looking out over landscape that might have been there, or might have been a trick of the false moonlight. "She was more or less a parasite on him, and it was killing him."
Sitefnut followed this scent downward. "So they delinked, and Usi used himself as bait for Reneb."
He nodded. "He was linked enough that he could make Reneb believe he was Rememberer. When Reneb took him over, he released the last of the link and died."
The anger in her shoved once again at her control, her temper flaring hotly. Why could he have not told me? She turned away from him then, taking in a long breath through her nose. Quietly, she said, "I think you need to go now. I am not in the most rational of moods at the moment." Before she was finished speaking, she knew he was gone, the sense of his presence fading.
Something, some small piece of control within her, broke.
She lifted her hands, screaming a spell.
A mage determined to seriously damage the landscape around them is a formidable thing. Lightning blasted the shrubbery, stones sank into mud that had once been rock, fire lashed out and consumed what the lightning had not blown apart, tentacles erupted from the ground and flailed at nearby objects. When the last spells in her mind were ones that were useless for causing satisfying destruction, Sitefnut dropped her hands and sank to her knees in the waste that she had created. Already, at the edges, the doorknob was repairing itself.
Are you finished? came a familiar voice.
The mage heaved a sigh. "For the moment."
Isu came shambling out of the open doorway behind her, her gait rougher than normal. She yawned, teeth shining in the moonlight. Noisy Chosen. What exactly did that accomplish, other than waking me out of a sound sleep worried that you'd gone and found something to tangle with?
"I thought it would make me feel better."
Did it?
She looked around, saw that the shrubs were healing themselves, stones silently rising up out of the earth. "It's less satisfying when it fixes itself. But I think it helped." The fire that had flared within her was banked again, and for the moment she was tired, aching, and empty. Isu came to her and leaned against her, and she could feel the hyena priestess' grief at the loss of Usi, her fear for herself and for her Chosen. She had been bound to Usi, but she had also been closer to him than a sister. They had started out as the same person, and though their personalities had diverged sharply, they still had many times thought and acted as one person, as twins sometimes will.
She was not guarding her thoughts well now, and Sitefnut could catch flickers of her grief--memories of running through the darkness with Usi at her side, the two of them hunting together. His acceptance of her after it had been revealed that she was his clone had meant the world to Isu, she realized with a start. He could have rejected her, tried to drive her away; but he had allowed her to stay, and share, though it meant that she was consuming him. And when his eyes had gone blank and then filled with a personality that was not his--
That was the moment that had been the most terrible for Isu. For the first time in her waking life, she had been without her counterpart. She'd known he was gone when she'd felt the story-lines coalesce within her. That the body that housed his soul died only a few minutes later was simply a formality. For her, he had been dead from the moment Reneb had opened his eyes.
She draped an arm around Isu's shoulders. Silently, they watched the landscape repair itself, scorch marks disappearing. In silent accord, they went back inside the room, curling up together. Isu, raising her head, asked, Where is Imhotep?
Sitefnut shrugged. "Sent him away," she said shortly. "He told me something I didn't want to hear."
Oh. The hyena flattened her ears. What?
"What was happening with Usi, why he chose to sacrifice himself." She paused, running her mind over the conversation, wincing anew. "And the priestess thing. Bad enough that I'm getting it from you. But from him, too?"
Would he bring it up if it were not important? Isu's voice was weary. Chosen, I don't know about him, but I'm tired of your eternal indecision. Choose a path, would you? Become a priestess or do not, but quit arguing with yourself about it. It's very loud, you know.
Sitefnut discovered that she had completely run out of the energy she needed to be angry or even irritated. The dim light around her had a slightly crystalline quality, a feeling of fragility to it. "I don't know, Isu. I don't even know what I want any more. I love him, but worship?" She didn't even have the energy for denial, only raw honesty. "He wasn't able to keep Usi from dying. Even if I'm a priestess, people around me will still die. I still might lose you." Tears rose in her chest, and she clenched her jaw and leaned her forehead against the hyena's warm flank briefly. "What good is a god, when bad things still happen?"
Isu nosed her gently. A question you can only answer for yourself, she said. It has been a long day, Sitefnut. If I go to sleep again, are you just going to get up and set some more innocent bushes on fire?
"All out of spells." She spread her hands. "I'll try to sleep."
Isu dropped off quickly. When she was safely asleep, Sitefnut rose from the mat and sat on the edge of her bed, her head in her hands. She did not think sleep would come easily to her this night. Gingerly, she probed the place where she had been bound to Usi. Yep, still hurts. The greyling was in there as well, silent, wakeful, and avidly watchful. She was in no mood to talk with the alien little mind that was currently lodged in her eye, and she turned her thoughts away from it.
It was no use. She touched the place in her mind where she could always feel Imhotep. I'm sorry, she thought into the void. If you want to talk, I might be able to listen.
Slowly, his image faded into being. Neither of them spoke, sitting beside each other. When Sitefnut glanced over, she saw that his outline was transparent around the edges--just an image, not completely there. For some reason, she felt like that should have irritated her, but it did not.
He leaned down to where Isu was curled on the padded mat by the bed. He ran a hand over the hyena's head, who shifted and then seemed to fall more deeply asleep. Quietly, he said, "She needs to sleep. As do you."
Sitefnut shook her head. "I don't think I can, not tonight. And don't try that on me."
"I wouldn't. Not unless you asked." She looked over him, and for the first time since he had arrived, she truly saw him. He looked as tired as she felt, and the lines on his face were deeper than usual. Without looking at her, he said, "I knew Usi long before you ever met him. I wish you'd gotten the chance to see him cast. He didn't share my passion for artifacts, but his illusion spells were works of art." His smile was brief but warm. "Almost as stubborn as you, he was. I always wished I'd been able to make things easier for him, with Ay; all I could do was help him end it sooner."
She reached out, then flinched as her hand passed through the edges of his outline. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "We all lost a friend today."
"I know that the afterlife exists. But it does not mean I do not grieve when a friend passes from life into death. Something in me's still mortal enough to grieve. And to share the grief of someone I love." That was accompanied by a glance over at her and a brief smile.
Neither of them brought up the conversation they'd had before Sitefnut had spent some time making a concerted effort to destroy the landscape around her. She stared down at her feet, and the silence lengthened. Finally, she shook her head. "I think I'm still angry with you," she said. "I'm still angry with everyone and everything. Even with Usi, for having the temerity to go and die and leave me behind."
Imhotep's chuckle was a trifle hollow. "You still have many things to do. Usi knew this, and knew that you cannot become Rememberer yet. He chose to give himself up rather than fight, transfer the stories to Isu."
"And the maresh?" she asked.
He shook his head. "He knew didn't know if Reneb's death would free them, but it was a possibility. He was more worried about you. He accomplished what he wanted to do before he died."
Sitefnut shifted, remembering something. She asked, "Why is it important that both Chosen and Rememberer be female?"
"It has to do with things only a female can do." He turned to look at her. "Do you really want to know any more?"
She thought about it, biting back the sharp response that immediately rose in her. Neither of them were in the mood for it tonight. "No, I don't. I really don't." She sighed. She was so tired. I'm too old to be learning these lessons, she thought to herself.
Imhotep smiled at her. "You're learning them when you need to learn them, love." He slid an arm around her shoulders, and this time he was entirely present, a welcome warmth. "One person's too late is another's just in time."
She shivered. Uncomfortable thoughts were surfacing within her; the question she had asked Isu, What good is a god, when bad things still happen?, wondering if her fledgling faith might be crushed by so heavy a blow as this. She felt Imhotep tense slightly, and realized that he could feel her thought...and that he feared her answer.
Could she, then, choose to hold on to her small and fragile faith? She probed the possibility with her mind, exploring it. "Gods are not for preventing bad things," she said. "No matter how much I believe, people will still die, the sun will still rise in the morning, the Nile will keep flowing. Perhaps gods are for riding out the bad things, then?"
His arm tightened around her. "Isu was correct. It is a question only you can answer."
She took a long breath. "Comfort," she whispered. "Tonight, gods are for comfort, when someone who should be asleep next to Isu is dead." She leaned her head on his shoulder, listening to the distant thump of his heart. She remembered Usi telling her, Faith. It is the only thing we have to go on, sometimes.
It was the only thing she had, right now. She took a breath. "Would you put me to sleep, like you did to Isu?"
He went very still beside her. "You are asking me this?"
The moment stretched out, and she felt once more that sense of fragility, of something between them brittle and frail. It would take so little to break this, tonight. Smash it into oblivion, leave her more alone than before he had come, but free.
No. I will not. The strength of the emotion surged, surprising her. She nodded. "I am asking, Imhotep. Please. If you would." Her black eyes met his, and she saw that he understood her and what she was truly asking, and that he knew that she in turn understood the question.
She lay down on the bed, pulling a thin blanket up over her shoulders. Imhotep lay beside her, and she turned herself close to his body. "Don't leave me," she murmured.
"I will guard you," he replied. "Sleep now. Heal." She felt him shift and then his warm hand passed over her hair. Her body relaxed despite itself, and she was instantly deeply asleep.
She woke in the morning, the light telling her that it was probably morning outside the doorknob. She stretched, bones crackling, and sat up. Isu wasn't in the room, but the door to the garden outside was standing open, and if she paid attention she could feel the hyena loping, tall grass whipping at her sides, as an endless, strange grassland unrolled itself in front of her.
She reached out in her mind for Usi and pulled up short, remembering that he was gone. This morning, the hurt was still with her, but it was less of an open wound than it had been last night. She rubbed eyes that ached with the aftermath of crying even now and clambered out of bed, a leaden heaviness in her chest.
As she dressed, something shining on a low table caught her eye. She finished fussing with the dress and bent to get a closer look. There were two amulets she'd never seen before, each of them on a beaded chain, both amulets gold. One had inlaid in lapis a snake wrapped around a rod, the familiar symbol of Imhotep. The other had picked out in copper a figure that was clearly a stylized portrait of Grrrbek. Blinking, she picked up the two amulets, and held them to the light. They both glowed with divine magic.
"What in the Black Land am I supposed to do with these?" she muttered, weighing them in her hand. She'd rather expected to receive a holy symbol this morning, considering last night...but two? Isu? You have a minute?
Was just on my way back, she replied. This morning, her mental voice still had an edge of grief and exhaustion, but she sounded as if sleep had done her some good. Wish Raam would let us herd some antelope in here. It's been weeks since we've had a proper hunt.
"I know." She sighed. In other times and places, Chosen and Rememberer had often run with hyena packs in the deep desert, only entering tailless society when it was necessary. There was no chance for that, now. "Perhaps we'll travel in the Red Land again for a little."
We can only hope. Isu nosed the door open wider and came into the room. What do you have there?
"A puzzle." She held up the amulets. "I was expecting the Imhotep holy symbol, but Grrrbek? Any ideas?"
Let me see. The hyena sniffed at the amulets doubtfully. Both real. I saw Imhotep's on my way out, but Grrrbek's wasn't there. I'm going to say, Chosen, that you have yet another choice.
"One or the other?"
Or neither. Or both.
Sitefnut set the holy symbols down on the table. "Both? Is that even possible?"
Isu flicked her ears. So I've heard. It's very rare. Usually, you get spells from one and powers from another. Has to be two gods who can agree to share a priest. She gave Sitefnut a speculative glance. Wouldn't it be fun to be a high priestess? It's not like there's a lot of competition for the position, with Grrrbek.
She snorted. "Can you see me being a spiritual advisor for a bunch of maresh? Really."
The hyena yawned and lay down. You see anyone else who's better qualified? Tailless probably won't go near them.
"Granted." She looked at the amulets, lying innocently on the table, and weighed the choice in her mind. She thought of two gods: one someone she loved, someone gentle when he needed to be, someone who shared her passions; and one who she'd grown up giving offerings to, perfectly self-centered and sometimes unexpectedly generous. She loved one, liked the other, enjoyed the company of both of them.
A part of her was wondering at how calmly she was examining the decision. The Sitefnut of two months ago would have been stubbornly protesting at the idea that she would owe allegiance to any gods, much less two. The Sitefnut of twenty-five years ago wouldn't have even considered the idea, simply discarded it as irrelevant and moved on with her life.
More and more, she was astonished at the changes that were happening in her. If nothing else, she seemed to have run out of energy to resist--faced with a god in her bed, two (one, her mind whispered, one now, and she flinched) hyenas, a little alien marble with a knack for telling her when she was lying to herself, and the acknowledgement that perhaps she was more of a part of events than she had thought, her resistance had finally crumbled entirely. And this morning, in the wake of grief, with pain still gnawing on her, she had to acknowledge that it was just too much damn work to keep fighting. "I give up, all right? For the moment, at least."
Finally! Isu was laughing, thumping her tail. Stubborn as a stone you are, Chosen. Have you decided, yet?
"Not yet. Is it important that I decide right now?"
The hyena lifted her muzzle, sniffing at the air. Not quite yet. It approaches, but the story-lines aren't demanding a decision right this second. But soon, or the choice will be made for you.
Sitefnut picked up the holy symbols, wrapping them both in cloth. "In that case, I'm going to a walk. I have some thinking to do."
The hyena fell in beside her familiar as she walked outside, out into the endless gardens of the doorknob, turning over a choice in her mind, thinking about whats and whys and wherefores.
None saw hide nor hair of Sitefnut until later that afternoon, except for Grrrbek. Sitefnut found him in a room that seemed to be dug into the earth. She drew in a breath and extended her hand, a small cloth-wrapped package in it. "I'm sorry, Grrrbek. But I'm afraid this doesn't belong to me."
For a moment, he just looked at her, then took the holy symbol from her. "Was worth a shot, eh? You ever change your mind, let me know." His smile was full of sharp teeth, and she bowed briefly and retreated. She'd hated to disappoint the small god, but in the end, it had come down to the fact that she felt more at home with the thought of being a priestess of Imhotep than one of Grrrbek. As well, her personal feelings colored the situation--and it had only been yesterday that Grrrbek had helped kill Usi.
Her mind was filled with the sense of Imhotep's pleasure. She muttered as she headed back towards the place in the doorknob where she and Isu stayed, "I somehow don't think you're much of one for sharing."
You'd be surprised, I think. He faded in beside her as she walked into her rooms. "Don't worry about Grrrbek. There are a few maresh who may yet decide to become priests."
She walked to the door, and he came up behind her. She leaned back into his embrace and closed her eyes. She still felt as if the ground were pulling at her, the knowledge of Usi's death pressing her downwards. She said, "I don't think I can face the rest, yet. I need a while before I can put a brave face on, and before I can really see Raam and Grrrbek for more than a minute or so."
"They'll understand." She felt his breath, warm on her hair. "For today, there is no rush."
Isu came to join them, leaning on their legs. For a long time, they stood in companionable silence, taking comfort as they could.
When Sitefnut woke, it was in a dark place with softness beneath her. She blinked and realized that somehow she and Isu had been transported into the room in the doorknob that they habitually used. Evidently, she and Isu had fallen asleep after--
Oh.
The wound opened anew as she remembered what had happened, and why she and Isu had been sobbing in the garden, unable to move. She tried to get to her feet and realized that she was in hyena shape. Isu was a pale blur beside her, her bright hair spilling over her like a blanket. Evidently, they'd both fallen asleep when Isu had been in her elven form. They had switched to let Isu weep the tears that she could not as a hyena, and evidently they had both fallen asleep at about the same time. She assumed that the doorknob had decided that sleeping people belonged in beds.
Sitefnut shook her head, then applied pressure to the place in her mind that she associated with the change. They were probably getting close to the four-hour limit anyway, and she doubted that Isu would be up for doing anything much else tonight. She flowed into her human shape and then slipped out of bed, leaving Isu asleep. She was tempted for a moment to lie back down, but she knew that she wouldn't be able to fall asleep again right away, and her restlessness might wake Isu.
The moonlight in the garden outside was false, but welcome enough anyway. She raised her face to the cold light and closed her eyes. She spoke, to who knew who--the false moon, herself, anyone who might be listening. "I failed."
"If it's any help, it was a situation without a good answer." Imhotep's voice was not a surprise, nor was his image fading in beside her. "The choices that Reneb laid out were the only two. Even if he couldn't control you, he would have made every moment of what little life you had left a misery."
"I know. But now I'm left with this." Her voice was quiet, a little distant. "I was not aware anything could hurt quite as much as this."
"I wish I could tell you that the pain will quickly fade, but it's not going to." Grief was written in the lines of his face, and Sitefnut remembered that he, too, was in the bond that held her strange little pack together, had felt Usi die as she had.
Sitefnut swallowed. The place where Usi had been was a raw, open wound, a whistling emptiness. To live with this--her mind shied away from the thought. She kept reaching out for Usi and Isu, and kept being shocked by only one mind answering. Something within her did not believe this, not yet, despite the fact that she had seen him die.
She shivered, despite the fact that the air inside the doorknob was balmy. "I have watched my children die," she said. "Death has touched me before. Why does this hurt so much more?"
"Think about it, love. Until now, you had never really allowed yourself to trust another being. Once you trust, once you love--" He shrugged again. "The price of love is sometimes loss."
For a long moment, she just looked at him, black eyes sharpening in a glare. Then she turned and stalked away down the long garden, leaving him behind. When the god caught up with her, she said, "There are things that shouldn't have to be paid for, Imhotep. But I can't go back now."
"You still have Isu."
"And she has me. And I will protect her with every breath in my body--and hope that there are no more Renebs." Sitefnut was shaking, and in a distant part of her mind she wondered why.
They were silent for a few minutes, Sitefnut kicking at rocks, sending them skittering. Into that silence, Imhotep asked carefully, "And what are you going to do about Raam?"
Her mouth tightened, her lips pressing together in a firm line. "He did nothing wrong. He did what he needed to do, and it was the right thing. But I don't think I'm going to be able to look at him for a long time without seeing him kill Usi all over again." She swiftly bent and picked up one of the rocks she'd been kicking, and threw it hard into the bushes. "Grrrbek, too." Another rock; this one pinged off a low stone wall. In her chest, a fire was building, burning brightly. Her voice was filled with that scorching heat. "I am so angry at them, and they do not deserve it!"
Warned by the fire in her voice, Imhotep took a step back. Seeing his movement, she whirled to face him. If she'd been in hyena form, her ears would have been flattened to her neck and her head would have been held low. "And you. You did nothing. You watched the Rememberer die, and you did nothing."
Imhotep held up one hand. "Two things. First, Rememberer did not die. Usi transferred his half to Isu before he was forced out of his body. Reneb would not have gotten what he wanted that way. Second, I cannot help you unless you allow me."
The fire banked as Sitefnut's curiosity kicked in. "And to allow you to help me, I would have to...?"
"Become a priestess." His gaze was steady, holding her unflinching. "Specifically, my priestess."
The fire leaped upwards, pushed against her self-control. Something that had been at the back of her mind, a half of a thought, had coalesced. He is a god, she thought. He had said he can read the lines, make educated guesses about the future. And there was something he'd said about Reneb...
"You knew, didn't you? You knew, and you didn't tell me. You knew what Reneb was capable of, what he wanted from us, what he was going to do to Usi. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell Usi? I can't protect them from things I don't know anything about!" Her voice had risen into a shout, and she didn't care, suddenly, if she woke anyone up.
"Sitefnut." The gravity in his voice shocked her like cold water, and she checked her anger. "Yes, I knew there was a good chance that Usi would be killed. But keep this in mind, love. The strain on him was enormous. Rememberer was broken in two, the universe wasn't ready for two of them." He took a breath inward. "Usi was dying. He didn't want to tell you, and he asked me not to mention it."
Shock spilled over her. "But--did you tell him this was coming? Did he know about this possibility?"
Imhotep nodded. "He knew his time was up soon. He worked very hard to delink himself from Isu. He was hoping not to die before he was done, because if they both died you would become Rememberer."
Numbly, she said, "And evidently, that can't happen yet." She felt as if she were a very long way from her body.
"No, but now that both Chosen and Rememberer are female, it's almost done."
"And why was he dying instead of Usi? Why not both of them, if the split was the cause?"
"Usi's life powered Isu's." He'd turned slightly away from her, looking out over landscape that might have been there, or might have been a trick of the false moonlight. "She was more or less a parasite on him, and it was killing him."
Sitefnut followed this scent downward. "So they delinked, and Usi used himself as bait for Reneb."
He nodded. "He was linked enough that he could make Reneb believe he was Rememberer. When Reneb took him over, he released the last of the link and died."
The anger in her shoved once again at her control, her temper flaring hotly. Why could he have not told me? She turned away from him then, taking in a long breath through her nose. Quietly, she said, "I think you need to go now. I am not in the most rational of moods at the moment." Before she was finished speaking, she knew he was gone, the sense of his presence fading.
Something, some small piece of control within her, broke.
She lifted her hands, screaming a spell.
A mage determined to seriously damage the landscape around them is a formidable thing. Lightning blasted the shrubbery, stones sank into mud that had once been rock, fire lashed out and consumed what the lightning had not blown apart, tentacles erupted from the ground and flailed at nearby objects. When the last spells in her mind were ones that were useless for causing satisfying destruction, Sitefnut dropped her hands and sank to her knees in the waste that she had created. Already, at the edges, the doorknob was repairing itself.
Are you finished? came a familiar voice.
The mage heaved a sigh. "For the moment."
Isu came shambling out of the open doorway behind her, her gait rougher than normal. She yawned, teeth shining in the moonlight. Noisy Chosen. What exactly did that accomplish, other than waking me out of a sound sleep worried that you'd gone and found something to tangle with?
"I thought it would make me feel better."
Did it?
She looked around, saw that the shrubs were healing themselves, stones silently rising up out of the earth. "It's less satisfying when it fixes itself. But I think it helped." The fire that had flared within her was banked again, and for the moment she was tired, aching, and empty. Isu came to her and leaned against her, and she could feel the hyena priestess' grief at the loss of Usi, her fear for herself and for her Chosen. She had been bound to Usi, but she had also been closer to him than a sister. They had started out as the same person, and though their personalities had diverged sharply, they still had many times thought and acted as one person, as twins sometimes will.
She was not guarding her thoughts well now, and Sitefnut could catch flickers of her grief--memories of running through the darkness with Usi at her side, the two of them hunting together. His acceptance of her after it had been revealed that she was his clone had meant the world to Isu, she realized with a start. He could have rejected her, tried to drive her away; but he had allowed her to stay, and share, though it meant that she was consuming him. And when his eyes had gone blank and then filled with a personality that was not his--
That was the moment that had been the most terrible for Isu. For the first time in her waking life, she had been without her counterpart. She'd known he was gone when she'd felt the story-lines coalesce within her. That the body that housed his soul died only a few minutes later was simply a formality. For her, he had been dead from the moment Reneb had opened his eyes.
She draped an arm around Isu's shoulders. Silently, they watched the landscape repair itself, scorch marks disappearing. In silent accord, they went back inside the room, curling up together. Isu, raising her head, asked, Where is Imhotep?
Sitefnut shrugged. "Sent him away," she said shortly. "He told me something I didn't want to hear."
Oh. The hyena flattened her ears. What?
"What was happening with Usi, why he chose to sacrifice himself." She paused, running her mind over the conversation, wincing anew. "And the priestess thing. Bad enough that I'm getting it from you. But from him, too?"
Would he bring it up if it were not important? Isu's voice was weary. Chosen, I don't know about him, but I'm tired of your eternal indecision. Choose a path, would you? Become a priestess or do not, but quit arguing with yourself about it. It's very loud, you know.
Sitefnut discovered that she had completely run out of the energy she needed to be angry or even irritated. The dim light around her had a slightly crystalline quality, a feeling of fragility to it. "I don't know, Isu. I don't even know what I want any more. I love him, but worship?" She didn't even have the energy for denial, only raw honesty. "He wasn't able to keep Usi from dying. Even if I'm a priestess, people around me will still die. I still might lose you." Tears rose in her chest, and she clenched her jaw and leaned her forehead against the hyena's warm flank briefly. "What good is a god, when bad things still happen?"
Isu nosed her gently. A question you can only answer for yourself, she said. It has been a long day, Sitefnut. If I go to sleep again, are you just going to get up and set some more innocent bushes on fire?
"All out of spells." She spread her hands. "I'll try to sleep."
Isu dropped off quickly. When she was safely asleep, Sitefnut rose from the mat and sat on the edge of her bed, her head in her hands. She did not think sleep would come easily to her this night. Gingerly, she probed the place where she had been bound to Usi. Yep, still hurts. The greyling was in there as well, silent, wakeful, and avidly watchful. She was in no mood to talk with the alien little mind that was currently lodged in her eye, and she turned her thoughts away from it.
It was no use. She touched the place in her mind where she could always feel Imhotep. I'm sorry, she thought into the void. If you want to talk, I might be able to listen.
Slowly, his image faded into being. Neither of them spoke, sitting beside each other. When Sitefnut glanced over, she saw that his outline was transparent around the edges--just an image, not completely there. For some reason, she felt like that should have irritated her, but it did not.
He leaned down to where Isu was curled on the padded mat by the bed. He ran a hand over the hyena's head, who shifted and then seemed to fall more deeply asleep. Quietly, he said, "She needs to sleep. As do you."
Sitefnut shook her head. "I don't think I can, not tonight. And don't try that on me."
"I wouldn't. Not unless you asked." She looked over him, and for the first time since he had arrived, she truly saw him. He looked as tired as she felt, and the lines on his face were deeper than usual. Without looking at her, he said, "I knew Usi long before you ever met him. I wish you'd gotten the chance to see him cast. He didn't share my passion for artifacts, but his illusion spells were works of art." His smile was brief but warm. "Almost as stubborn as you, he was. I always wished I'd been able to make things easier for him, with Ay; all I could do was help him end it sooner."
She reached out, then flinched as her hand passed through the edges of his outline. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "We all lost a friend today."
"I know that the afterlife exists. But it does not mean I do not grieve when a friend passes from life into death. Something in me's still mortal enough to grieve. And to share the grief of someone I love." That was accompanied by a glance over at her and a brief smile.
Neither of them brought up the conversation they'd had before Sitefnut had spent some time making a concerted effort to destroy the landscape around her. She stared down at her feet, and the silence lengthened. Finally, she shook her head. "I think I'm still angry with you," she said. "I'm still angry with everyone and everything. Even with Usi, for having the temerity to go and die and leave me behind."
Imhotep's chuckle was a trifle hollow. "You still have many things to do. Usi knew this, and knew that you cannot become Rememberer yet. He chose to give himself up rather than fight, transfer the stories to Isu."
"And the maresh?" she asked.
He shook his head. "He knew didn't know if Reneb's death would free them, but it was a possibility. He was more worried about you. He accomplished what he wanted to do before he died."
Sitefnut shifted, remembering something. She asked, "Why is it important that both Chosen and Rememberer be female?"
"It has to do with things only a female can do." He turned to look at her. "Do you really want to know any more?"
She thought about it, biting back the sharp response that immediately rose in her. Neither of them were in the mood for it tonight. "No, I don't. I really don't." She sighed. She was so tired. I'm too old to be learning these lessons, she thought to herself.
Imhotep smiled at her. "You're learning them when you need to learn them, love." He slid an arm around her shoulders, and this time he was entirely present, a welcome warmth. "One person's too late is another's just in time."
She shivered. Uncomfortable thoughts were surfacing within her; the question she had asked Isu, What good is a god, when bad things still happen?, wondering if her fledgling faith might be crushed by so heavy a blow as this. She felt Imhotep tense slightly, and realized that he could feel her thought...and that he feared her answer.
Could she, then, choose to hold on to her small and fragile faith? She probed the possibility with her mind, exploring it. "Gods are not for preventing bad things," she said. "No matter how much I believe, people will still die, the sun will still rise in the morning, the Nile will keep flowing. Perhaps gods are for riding out the bad things, then?"
His arm tightened around her. "Isu was correct. It is a question only you can answer."
She took a long breath. "Comfort," she whispered. "Tonight, gods are for comfort, when someone who should be asleep next to Isu is dead." She leaned her head on his shoulder, listening to the distant thump of his heart. She remembered Usi telling her, Faith. It is the only thing we have to go on, sometimes.
It was the only thing she had, right now. She took a breath. "Would you put me to sleep, like you did to Isu?"
He went very still beside her. "You are asking me this?"
The moment stretched out, and she felt once more that sense of fragility, of something between them brittle and frail. It would take so little to break this, tonight. Smash it into oblivion, leave her more alone than before he had come, but free.
No. I will not. The strength of the emotion surged, surprising her. She nodded. "I am asking, Imhotep. Please. If you would." Her black eyes met his, and she saw that he understood her and what she was truly asking, and that he knew that she in turn understood the question.
She lay down on the bed, pulling a thin blanket up over her shoulders. Imhotep lay beside her, and she turned herself close to his body. "Don't leave me," she murmured.
"I will guard you," he replied. "Sleep now. Heal." She felt him shift and then his warm hand passed over her hair. Her body relaxed despite itself, and she was instantly deeply asleep.
*****
She woke in the morning, the light telling her that it was probably morning outside the doorknob. She stretched, bones crackling, and sat up. Isu wasn't in the room, but the door to the garden outside was standing open, and if she paid attention she could feel the hyena loping, tall grass whipping at her sides, as an endless, strange grassland unrolled itself in front of her.
She reached out in her mind for Usi and pulled up short, remembering that he was gone. This morning, the hurt was still with her, but it was less of an open wound than it had been last night. She rubbed eyes that ached with the aftermath of crying even now and clambered out of bed, a leaden heaviness in her chest.
As she dressed, something shining on a low table caught her eye. She finished fussing with the dress and bent to get a closer look. There were two amulets she'd never seen before, each of them on a beaded chain, both amulets gold. One had inlaid in lapis a snake wrapped around a rod, the familiar symbol of Imhotep. The other had picked out in copper a figure that was clearly a stylized portrait of Grrrbek. Blinking, she picked up the two amulets, and held them to the light. They both glowed with divine magic.
"What in the Black Land am I supposed to do with these?" she muttered, weighing them in her hand. She'd rather expected to receive a holy symbol this morning, considering last night...but two? Isu? You have a minute?
Was just on my way back, she replied. This morning, her mental voice still had an edge of grief and exhaustion, but she sounded as if sleep had done her some good. Wish Raam would let us herd some antelope in here. It's been weeks since we've had a proper hunt.
"I know." She sighed. In other times and places, Chosen and Rememberer had often run with hyena packs in the deep desert, only entering tailless society when it was necessary. There was no chance for that, now. "Perhaps we'll travel in the Red Land again for a little."
We can only hope. Isu nosed the door open wider and came into the room. What do you have there?
"A puzzle." She held up the amulets. "I was expecting the Imhotep holy symbol, but Grrrbek? Any ideas?"
Let me see. The hyena sniffed at the amulets doubtfully. Both real. I saw Imhotep's on my way out, but Grrrbek's wasn't there. I'm going to say, Chosen, that you have yet another choice.
"One or the other?"
Or neither. Or both.
Sitefnut set the holy symbols down on the table. "Both? Is that even possible?"
Isu flicked her ears. So I've heard. It's very rare. Usually, you get spells from one and powers from another. Has to be two gods who can agree to share a priest. She gave Sitefnut a speculative glance. Wouldn't it be fun to be a high priestess? It's not like there's a lot of competition for the position, with Grrrbek.
She snorted. "Can you see me being a spiritual advisor for a bunch of maresh? Really."
The hyena yawned and lay down. You see anyone else who's better qualified? Tailless probably won't go near them.
"Granted." She looked at the amulets, lying innocently on the table, and weighed the choice in her mind. She thought of two gods: one someone she loved, someone gentle when he needed to be, someone who shared her passions; and one who she'd grown up giving offerings to, perfectly self-centered and sometimes unexpectedly generous. She loved one, liked the other, enjoyed the company of both of them.
A part of her was wondering at how calmly she was examining the decision. The Sitefnut of two months ago would have been stubbornly protesting at the idea that she would owe allegiance to any gods, much less two. The Sitefnut of twenty-five years ago wouldn't have even considered the idea, simply discarded it as irrelevant and moved on with her life.
More and more, she was astonished at the changes that were happening in her. If nothing else, she seemed to have run out of energy to resist--faced with a god in her bed, two (one, her mind whispered, one now, and she flinched) hyenas, a little alien marble with a knack for telling her when she was lying to herself, and the acknowledgement that perhaps she was more of a part of events than she had thought, her resistance had finally crumbled entirely. And this morning, in the wake of grief, with pain still gnawing on her, she had to acknowledge that it was just too much damn work to keep fighting. "I give up, all right? For the moment, at least."
Finally! Isu was laughing, thumping her tail. Stubborn as a stone you are, Chosen. Have you decided, yet?
"Not yet. Is it important that I decide right now?"
The hyena lifted her muzzle, sniffing at the air. Not quite yet. It approaches, but the story-lines aren't demanding a decision right this second. But soon, or the choice will be made for you.
Sitefnut picked up the holy symbols, wrapping them both in cloth. "In that case, I'm going to a walk. I have some thinking to do."
The hyena fell in beside her familiar as she walked outside, out into the endless gardens of the doorknob, turning over a choice in her mind, thinking about whats and whys and wherefores.
*****
None saw hide nor hair of Sitefnut until later that afternoon, except for Grrrbek. Sitefnut found him in a room that seemed to be dug into the earth. She drew in a breath and extended her hand, a small cloth-wrapped package in it. "I'm sorry, Grrrbek. But I'm afraid this doesn't belong to me."
For a moment, he just looked at her, then took the holy symbol from her. "Was worth a shot, eh? You ever change your mind, let me know." His smile was full of sharp teeth, and she bowed briefly and retreated. She'd hated to disappoint the small god, but in the end, it had come down to the fact that she felt more at home with the thought of being a priestess of Imhotep than one of Grrrbek. As well, her personal feelings colored the situation--and it had only been yesterday that Grrrbek had helped kill Usi.
Her mind was filled with the sense of Imhotep's pleasure. She muttered as she headed back towards the place in the doorknob where she and Isu stayed, "I somehow don't think you're much of one for sharing."
You'd be surprised, I think. He faded in beside her as she walked into her rooms. "Don't worry about Grrrbek. There are a few maresh who may yet decide to become priests."
She walked to the door, and he came up behind her. She leaned back into his embrace and closed her eyes. She still felt as if the ground were pulling at her, the knowledge of Usi's death pressing her downwards. She said, "I don't think I can face the rest, yet. I need a while before I can put a brave face on, and before I can really see Raam and Grrrbek for more than a minute or so."
"They'll understand." She felt his breath, warm on her hair. "For today, there is no rush."
Isu came to join them, leaning on their legs. For a long time, they stood in companionable silence, taking comfort as they could.
When the trees are sobbing faintly
With a gentle unknown woe
Will you think of me and love me
As you did once long ago?
In the gloaming, oh my darling
Think not bitterly of me
Though I passed away in silence
Left you lonely, set you free
For my heart was tossed with longing
What had been could never be
It was best to leave you thus dear
Best for you and best for me
With a gentle unknown woe
Will you think of me and love me
As you did once long ago?
In the gloaming, oh my darling
Think not bitterly of me
Though I passed away in silence
Left you lonely, set you free
For my heart was tossed with longing
What had been could never be
It was best to leave you thus dear
Best for you and best for me
