so pretty!

I was looking at a barette that my mom gave me for Christmas last year, and I noticed that it had a URL stamped in the blade.

"Hunh," I said. "I love this one, I wonder if i could get a couple more..."

So I went to http://www.flexi8.com/ and saw that they have lots and lots of the same kinds of barettes for sale, in different kinds and colors. Yay! (And for the record, they're really great. i use mine when I'm doing a tucked braid, to hold it in place.)

"lazy"

My father's favorite thing to castigate me with when I was young was the fact that I was lazy.

Now, to be fair, I was not the person I am today. I was fairly un-fond of the things my dad wanted me to do, and compounding this was the fact that my parents would ask me to do something, I would nod and say, "of course", and then as soon as they were gone I would completely forget whatever it was they'd wanted me to do, and thus wander off, leaving whatever it was undone.

But. (There is always a but there, isn't there?)

From the time I was about nine years old, I was sick. Movement hurt in ways I never had the ability to explain, and I wandered around surrounded by fog that nobody else seemed to be able to see. I concentrated what little energy I could muster on small things--obsessively re-organizing my box of animal cards, rearranging my closet, playing with tiny animals, reading. Schoolwork was tedious but mostly doable, though if it involved memorization, I was hopeless at it. I'm not sure that me being lazy really had anything to do with the fact that I didn't want to do much of anything as a kid.

As I've gotten older and my hypothyroidism is under control, I've turned up an entirely new side of myself. This side of me is not lazy. This side of me gets up at ungodly hours of the morning and goes for runs, likes cleaning, goes for hikes...the list is very long indeed. I don't think much about deliberately parking far away from the door of somewhere I'm going, about going out in all weathers, or taking the bus somewhere that I know that parking's going to be terrible. I make bread by hand (because hand-kneading is fun!). When I sit down, it's usually to write.

Laura observed a while ago, with some amusement, that the only time I ever watched TV was when I was folding laundry. Which is true, as the idea of sitting down to watch TV is really sort of strange to me these days. I do all right during TV night, because that's a gathering sort of thing, but even then I sometimes feel compelled to write while I'm watching TV. Folding laundry is the perfect TV activity (when I was living without TV, I would watch a movie on Saturday afternoon, which was laundry time, and fold laundry) because it is mindless, keeps the hands busy, and you do it in an upright position.

Part of this is probably my upbringing, where being lazy was in fact one of the worst possible things you could be. If we could walk or ride our bikes somewhere, rides were generally not forthcoming unless the weather was inclement...and this was California. These are the habits that stick with you lifelong.

And part is that I’m just someone who likes having things to do; sitting down and relaxing isn't my thing. I'm much more relaxed working on something I really want to do than I am just trying to take life easy. The concept of having nothing to do is one I have a very hard time with. Surely, there's something to do. A book to read, a story to write, something that needs cleaning, weeds that want pulling, a list that needs making, something. I admit that I sometimes get sucked into frivolous pastimes--video games being the single biggest culprit in this--but usually I find something to putter away on.

I'm trying to learn how to relax and do nothing. It's hard. Really, really hard. I don't know how people do it, just sit and watch time pass. I feel precious seconds, minutes, hours slipping away, life I'll never have again. We're here for so little time, and I have so many things I want to do.

Maybe someday, I’ll learn how to relax. I kind of doubt it, however.